Great Expectations

I need to find a way to stop being mad about petty things. I get so disappointed when people don't live up to my expectations. When "A" does things that seem insensitive or thoughtless in my opinion it hurts my feelings and that is my problem. So what if he thinks of only himself when we have ants in the bed. Am I going to let that make me feel mad and wrinkle my eyebrows for days? Why? It's not like it will change the fact. So I think to myself that the problem is how I see the situation and how I deal with it. I have this expectation that "A" should think of my needs like I do his. He has a different expectations. We never really talked about how we saw a man and a woman's "role" when there were kids. All of the time that I worked and he didn't there was never any effort on his part to "take care" of me. To be honest I didn't really expect it myself. I never expected anyone to pack a lunch, cook a dinner, do my laundry, or clean the house for me. I thought we should do it all together. Now that the tables have turned and he is working and I am staying home with Ara I see that there is a double standard. Big time. There is just more expected of a woman. Everyone does it. Even me. So I see the expectations are there for me to be home with Ara and do ALL of the other household chores while juggling my teaching responsibilities and chaffering "A" to and from work. Is this a lot to ask? Sure. Can I do it? Damn right. But I can't go on feeling cheated. I constantly look at how unfair it is that the family responsibilities are split 80/20%. "A's" Mom actually told me once when I was mad that I should feel lucky that I have a man who is around. At the time it pissed me off more. I should just thank my lucky stars that a man stuck around and just be grateful I am not all alone. Ok so I suppose I should be thankful for that. The truth is that things could be so much worse. The truth is that I DO have it good. It seems all relative. We have been through hard times and still found a way to be happy with what we have. Then it seems, for me I have a hard time finding happiness when life is handing me flowers. Our relationship isn't perfect but I can't think of anyone who has a perfect relationship. So what do I want? What do I expect? When I know these things I think it will be easier to find acceptance within myself.

Ants and the jerk-face.

VENTING: Ants have invaded our house. They are coming up the shower drain, they are in the kitchen, they are in the living room, and they are in my bed. "A" discovered that sometime in the wee hours of the morning. So you know what he did? He took the blanket and slept on the couch, the only ant free zone and left me with no blanket in the ant bed. So I tried to go back to sleep after that but:
1. I was pissed off.
2. I was cold.
3. There were ants biting me.

I am sitting here still tired, still feeling like there are ants all over me (which is partially true), and still feeling pissed. I did get up sometime around 6 am and pull the covers off of happily sleeping jerkface. He was like, "the covers weren't even on you when I got up". I wonder why that is... COVER STEALER! Then he pulled the blanket back up to his chin and promptly started snoring. I am feeling really fed up.

Late night thoughts.

Ara's hair is long enough to put into a little ponytail! Her hair constantly surprises me. I would have never thought that I would have a little girl with ringlets. Curazzzzy. I told A that if other woman had know he had adorable, smart, curly headed kids in his genes he would have been hunted. Does that seem weird?

So all day today I felt nauseous but I don't feel "sick". I've been feeling not right for a week-ish now. I might actually consider a doctor visit if it doesn't improve, and I HATE doctors.

I am taking care of Alison and Charles's birds again, I think the birds have started regarding me as "the help". They won't even whistle with me now! Feathery snobs.

I want to start working out and eating healthier. I considered joining a gym and I made an appointment for a tour/workout but when I mentioned it to A it started a big 2 day fight. When would I go? How much is it? The only time I could go would be when A got off work and then he would have to put Ara down to bed alone. I guess it just won't work but I am sad. I know that I am doing what I want to be doing this summer. Staying home with Ara and teaching a minimal amount of students. But (you knew that was coming right?) I also feel the need to steal a little time to myself. For myself. I actually enjoy going to feed the birds because I get to be alone just for a bit. It is hard because A wants down time when he gets off of work and I totally get that. At the same time I want down time as well. Just 30 minutes to myself. Maybe I will just take a walk after Ara goes down, I don't like walking in the dark but if she goes to bed right at 8 I might have a little light left. I am also going to buy a workout DVD at Target or something. I have always thought those work-out balls looked cool and Ara might think it's fun to have exercise time during the day. It's something that is important to me. I want Ara to see me feeling good about myself and I want to model a health lifestyle.

If it wasn't for...

Not-So-Near-Death:

So today when it was time to pick up A from work I sent Ara in the living room to get the toys she wanted to take in the car and I decided to open the back door. Right there on the door step is the next door neighbors cat with her latest brood of kittens. Kuku (aka Chester) flies out the door through my legs and looks like he going to attack the closest kitten. Momma cat lunges at him, scary cat fight sounds ensue. I am yelling, although I don't realize it at the time. I grab a broom, separate them and push Kuku back into the house while blocking the mom cat from entering. I make sure that Kuku stays away from Ara since he is upset and unpredictable and I am thinking how glad I am that Ara wasn't right with me when I opened the door like she usually is. So we get on the road and right as we turn onto the main road it is immediately obvious that a big accident had just happened. From a distance I can see one car is on it's roof, and there are regular people trying to direct traffic away from all the cars and people in the middle of the road. I know it sounds selfish but my first thought was if those cats hadn't been there we would have been right here when this accident happened. We sat and waited for traffic while the distant sirens came closer and closer and I started to wonder about the random things that happen that maybe aren't so random.


On a lighter note:

Ara walks into the kitchen straight over to the cabinet that usually has a the "impossible-for-anyone-to-open" child lock on it. She reaches in, grabs the open bag of tortilla chips like thats what she came for and promptly dumps it on the floor. Then she bends down and daintily picks one chip off the pile and takes a tiny bite out of it as she walks past me back to the living room. I felt like I was in a Calvin and Hobbes comic strip. To top it all off Kuku was waiting under the table and before I could get it cleaned up he snagged a chip too. All I can do is throw up my hands and eat a chip.

Oh is that what those are called?

Ara can do a somersault! I was like elated when I saw her do a couple last night and then A says "Oh is that what those are called? She has been able to do that for a while". On the one hand I never knew anyone who didn't know what a somersault was and it's cute that he didn't. On the other, I think that's huge and I wish he had told me! Anyway, we had this conversation and I ask Ara in an annoyingly happy Mommy voice to come do more and she shakes her pretty head of curls and says "no". So, no one is as excited as me but I thought I would share it anyway! I have been getting to spend lots of mommy-baby time this week since I am teaching only Tuesday and Wednesday for the rest of May. It has been great. We have been tending our flowers outside, swimming in the kiddy pool, tomorrow we are going to go to target and probably story-time at the library. Ara, Kuku (the cat), and I all nap at the same time! It's a special time.

Reflections

I just watched the series finale of Gilmore Girls. Rory graduates and then leaves her Mom to start her career as a journalist. I cried like a baby the whole time. I've been really trigger happy with the crying lately. I'll cry at cute commercials, I cried during a re-run of CSI Miami, I cry over the news channel (don't even know what it's called) when I am channel surfing. After my show was over I had this light bulb moment; I'm really emotional lately. lol. I've been sort of thinking about how differently I used to process things emotionally when I was younger. I examined the details less I think. I would just be working towards something without thinking "wow I am really working hard towards this goal that I have clearly in my mind". Now, it's like I can't really stick to things and be consistent. I have been really stressed lately and I have some big decisions to make and summer is coming with a whole different schedule. Maybe I am just feeling overwhelmed. Or maybe that is all part of life and I am not keeping up as well as I should. I don't know. It's not like everything is falling apart or I am unhappy. It's just when I have a moment of silence to think I feel troubled or perturbed is a better word maybe. I wake up early in the morning and then I can't go back to sleep. My mind sort of races about nothing in particular. Scenes from movies and shows I wish I could forget float back to me. Just in general not significant thoughts just thoughts I don't really want to think. At night I have to listen to my ipod to fall asleep. It helps me not to think. I put on a podcast or my trusty audio Harry Potter and then drift off. Well I thought it might help me to identify the problem if I wrote about it.

Ara and I went to Walmart and bought a kiddie pool today and I "tried" to set it up in our patio. We have a pretty small little walled in patio with no lawn so it doesn't quite work. We had fun anyway sitting in the partially falling down pool. We splashed and laughed. Ara loves to lay on her tummy and blow bubbles. I like to live the life of a kid again. Sitting in the early afternoon sun, watching the water sparkle as we throw it in the air. Noticing how rocks change color when you get them wet. It makes me feel... content and happy and simple. It's nice.

Caution content includes pictures of an adorable nature.

Ara and I spent the morning at the park. I borrowed my sister's camera to try to get a good shot of Ara to turn into a Mother's Day card for her Grandmas'. I got some cute looks but nothing that had the correct part in focus lol so I will have to try again.

All Smiles

Out and about with Mommy and Daddy. We are relishing some much needed R&R after last weeks crazy schedule.

Ara spend Sunday with her Aunt Debbie and her Cousin Brittany. She had a great time playing in their back yard and coloring on a aqua-doodle mat they got for her. A brilliant invention that uses a pen filled with water and a special mat that turns blue when wet. Now she can color on the carpet and I can relax (we have had many unfortunate incidents with crayons and markers). They also had new clothes to give her from her Aunt Angela, including the shirt she has on in this picture. And a travel Aqua-Doodle and a Nemo book that lights up and sings, and... well you get the picture. I attended a "Sister's Day" celebration last night hosted by my cousins at a dessert shop. All the woman in my family (well most anyway) were there. I decided to cheat on my diet to try tiramisu, I've always heard such yummy things about it and well I wanted something decadent. Unfortunately, it turns out I do not like tiramisu, which is strange because there are very few sweet things I don't enjoy. It was a long day and "phew" is all I have to say.

Hooters!

This little guy is one of four baby Great Horned Owls living right outside the window of the church we performed in today. The adult owls apparently adopted this nest back in 1982 and have been raising their family there ever since. The church protects the nest and people actually come from around Arizona to view the birds. The momma owl was perched within eye site of this fuzzy guy ready to strike with her sharp talons and beak if she anything threatened the safety of her nest. In fact one year a woman threatened to sue the church after "their" owl attacked her cat. A Great Horned Owl can prey upon animals larger than itself including skunks, porcupines, an even domestic dogs and cats. This window was the backdrop for my orchestra today and an audience member told me they could see the inquisitive face of this owl peeking at us during the performance. I tool a bunch of pictures to show Ara, she would have been glued to the window if she had been there!

The concert had it's ups and downs today. The Copland is just 13 players and was by far the most difficult in terms of ensemble awareness. I think it was good for us and I have to admit I have a general Copland aversion but after really living with this piece I started to feel the music in it. I've always heard Copland beautifully portrays the "new American Frontier" but that never really meant anything to me, it never connected to any emotions. So I did some research (read the liner notes of a CD) and found some concepts I could identify with. Courage, energy, reflection. I began to understand more... to see that image of the sun rising over the trees with a soft morning fog, the promise and mystery of the unknown, even maybe the slight sadness of leaving behind the familiar. I enjoyed the experience and the challenge. I really miss playing chamber music full time. I miss my old wind quintet. The music store I teach at is closing and I am at a crossroads. Do I continue teaching my diminishing studio or do I look at changing careers? Will I be able to tell Ara she can follow her dreams and make a living?

Play it Again

This is a concert week for my chamber orchestra. Concert weeks practically mean Ara has to move out. We have night rehearsals until 10 pm and Ara's bedtime is 7:30 pm. Tonight, though my nice brother and his girlfriend came over and hung out while we were at rehearsal. We put Ara down early and she slept like an angel the entire time. If only we could do that every time. I made a big batch of beans (mother-in-law's recipe) so we could feed everyone tostadas and they actually came out good! I'm excited, these beans are like my m-i-l's speciality and she has tried to show me how to make them twice now. 'A' even said they were good and he is the pickiest man alive. I talked to an old friend on the phone today, she re-found me through my website and emailed me. We were roommates for a year and then housemates for another maybe 2 years I think. It's so nice to hear her voice and know she is doing well. We hope to meet up one of these days, she is living in phoenix now so it's a bit of a drive. I can't wait for her to meet Ara.

Playing-wise I've been feeling a slight lack of confidence. I have been analyzing my vibrato and reminding myself to play the phrase. We used to have this joke back in school that I was a good player as long as I never "took apart the TV". Here I am taking it apart though and I still can't say that is a good thing. It can be challenging to teach something you take for granted. When I feel that disconnect between the music and my feelings I go through this frustrating cycle. I need to know why I get stuck in these ruts and how I can get out of them. I used to keep a playing diary (shut-up I'm a nerd) where I would write down the measure/piece/concept that I was struggling with. So that is what I am starting here. You don't like it? Me neither, lets hope it passes.

P.S. I am sick and tired of sentences that require commas and apostrophes.

Penguins and Pandas

Monterey Bay Aquarium Penguin Cam

San Diego Zoo Panda Cam

Ara and I have been looking online at animal web cams. Looking at the animals in real time is so fun and Ara likes to look for them when they go off camera or when they hide behind trees. Plus I think pandas' are super cute!

1 2 3 4

Ara has been counting everything! I asked her this morning what four favorite things are and she sat in my lap talking and laughing. She told me #1 coloring #2 birds #3 balls #4 dancing. For lunch we had my interpretation on corn dogs. I make a corn bread mix, add hot dogs and corn, pour it all into a mini muffin pan and bake for 10 minutes. Ara loves it. They are just the right size and warm cornbread is yummy! Tomorrow I have orchestra rehearsal and A is teaching so Ara will be spending the morning at her Grandpa's house with Joey, Victor, and Kali. She is always excited to go over there now and when we pick her up she is beyond exhausted! I better go, I need to leave for work in 10 minutes and all I've done so far is shower!

Mommy baby TV time

Ok, I have a confession. Since Ara was a new born I have been watching Gilmore Girls with her. We call it "Mommy baby TV time". I'ts a nice escape from reality into a world of happy people who talk fast. Unfortunately, I usually miss the show now because of my teaching schedule. So one night I was updating my ipod and I found a podcast about my show! Woot! It's a really well produced podcast done by this young sounding married couple and it's as charming as the show. If you want to be a nerd like me you can check them out here. After discovering this podcast and one other about the game I play, FFXI I started searching for more. I have always loved listening to talk while I'm driving or falling asleep. Like putting on a movie but leaving the TV off and just hearing the dialouge. Or books on CD! I love those! When I was in school I had this lame data entry job so I recorded the sound of my favorite movies and listened to them at work. Wow, when I tell Ara that she is going to be amazed at how I lived in a pre iWorld isn't she? I'm trying to stay on topic, I really am. So... Podcasts, nifty and free. Now I want to do a podcast but we all know that would end up being the all Ara all the time podcast and no one wants to hear that!

Singing in the Car!

La la la! My little musician singing in the car on the long trip home from Grandpa's house. That violin in her hand is actually something my Sister bought for Joey and when Ara became attached to it.. well it suffices to say she was amused. It actually plays about 5 different songs in the most awful sounding impression of a beginning violinist. In order to make the songs play though you have to press on the strings, when they connect with each other the songs play.

That is how it would work in theory anyway.

In it's current state however, the strings get stuck together and it just sounds one high pitched note incessantly.

That's what it is doing in this picture.

One note.

Eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee.

Ara sings along at the top of her lungs and especially enjoys it when Momma and Daddy do as well. So here we are driving along all singing one note like we are some sort of malfunctioning egg timer. The trip takes about an hour. That's right an hour. Mercifully Ara fell asleep about 20 minutes in but we we're afraid if we reached back and stopped the violin from playing she would wake up. Ah, the sacrifices we make for our little ones.

blip

I haven't posted in a long time. There are a few reasons for this. One, I ran out of web space! Two, I haven't made it a priority. Three, Blogger never wants to cooperate with me. I may move my blog back over to Blogger's site if I can't manage to delete enough junk.

I think it has been 4 years now that my web hosting and domain name have been donated to me by a very kind woman I met online years ago in chat. Her chat name was Dragongirl and we were both very active in a computer help chat room on MSN. It was through that chat room that I became interested in graphic and web design. My domain expires in April and I don't want one of those seedy looking ad companies to buy my name and plaster it with advertisements. That happened with the other domain I helped to administrate PCHConline.com when we decided not to renew. I hope I can figure out how to switch it over to me and pay it before that happens. I would be so sad to see fluteloop.com belong to someone else. It has been so much fun to learn and express myself through this site.

Recently, Fun and I have been working on a forum for the group of people we play ffxi with. I was really reluctant to even open Photoshop after such a long hiatus but I have found it to be just what I needed. Along those lines I am considering a change in career. I have been toying with the idea of going back to school to get a digital arts certificate or something along those lines. I want to put some good thought and research into this move though, because I do not need a useless degree with no actual job potential.

Beep beep

Angel

Angel, passed Friday November 17, 2006. In her youth she was a terror. Small in stature but a bully none the less! She always wanted to sleep curled up under my chin so that I would breath fur. Ara loved her because she tolerated her 'petting' and love. I miss her.

Sweet Pea

What is Wierd About You/Myspace Rant

I have always had an issue with using a dish from the dish rack. I guess I feel like it was too recently dirty. Or, you know when you really need a fork, but they are all dirty so you wash one really fast. Yeah, I have a really hard time with that too.
If it's still wet.. ick.
If you dried it with a dish towel.. ick.

There I feel better now.

Speaking of things that bother me though. Myspace.com. Every single time I naively look at at a myspace page I am amazed. What makes people think that some hideous, busy, and distracting picture is a good background? Hello, we can't even read your text! Also, don't put music on your site. Please. I mean paleeeeeeeeease. I don't want to hear some low quality, slow loading, music that is not of my choosing. Then there is the issue where all your friends THINK they know their myspace address and yet mysteriously it takes 30 minutes of searching myspace and then google because myspace search sucks to locate the page. I think they do that on purpose to keep you on myspace longer. And last but certainly not least, once you finally find the page you are looking for, you can't actually view anything unless you sign up. Brilliant. Annoying.

I play an online game, ffxi and it seems like everyone you meet has a myspace. It's part of our culture now despite my feelings. Like the Ipod, blogging, IMing, and the use of 'lol'. I will never escape it. I don't feel however that, that is any reason to stop ranting about it!

One side note though, parents for the love of god supervise your children online. It is scary how many teens are online begging for someone to pay attention to them. You may not realize it, but there is some freak on the internet who does.

She is small, and very funny.

In perspective Ara is very small, but look through my eyes and her face fills my vision. I was trying to teach her about kisses today and by the her bath time she kept offering me her 'My Little Pony" to kiss and giggling. My persistence paid off though because as I carried her to bed she gave me 7 kisses! Her birthday is in 12 days now and I am feeling so nostalgic about last year and how I can't believe it's been a year, and how she has grown so much. Today, she was entertaining herself by standing at the coffee table and driving a toy car back and forth. She even makes the car sounds, so ferociously so that she drools like a mad woman. I sat watching her play and every once in a while she would look up at me and smile. She doesn't find it odd that her Mother stares at her all the time! We took a walk downtown today since it was pretty mild summer weather. I felt on top of the world strolling along with my girl. We stopped in some of the shops, we shared an organic fruit pop from the CoOp, we got Joey a 250 year old salt rock from the Himalayas (don't ask), and Ara toppled a book display in the charming book store. Good times!