"It's k"

We took Ara to the doctor today for her hair loss. I've been noticing hair in her crib and on her pajamas for a while now and it was sort of in my head that it might be too much hair. It wasn't until 3 days ago I noticed she has an almost bald spot on her head. It's not quite bald but the hair is much much thinner there and a it's a pretty big section, the doctor said about 3 inches. On a small head that seems like a lot. On some level I think I tried to ignore my instinct about the hair because I was afraid it might be something. If that is true, what kind of mother am I? We saw Dr. Dan, the doctor we usually see for well-baby visits and he said it could be such a variety of things that we needed to see a specialist. So after the insurance clears it, we will go see a dermatologist. We also have to go have her blood drawn to test for thyroid gland problems. He mentioned the thyroid problem specifically and said that sometimes a tumor on that gland can cause it to produce lower levels of the hormone. As he was examining Ara's head I was holding her to comfort her. Ara looked up into my face, stroked me softly and said, "it's k". Here I was trying to be strong and clear-headed, trying to stay focused and to ask the right questions and she sees right through me.

She sees that her Mommy is scared.

I didn't realize how scared until this moment. After all she has been through at the hands of doctors... it hasn't even been a year since we stopped battling the un-diagnosable, the biased-blind-arrogant-unstoppable...

I can't go on. I feel scared and helpless and I feel mad.


I want to make sure I talk about Ara's positive moments today. The topic I thought I was going to blog about. Ara is sleeping tonight in a big girl bed. We converted her crib at nap time but she only slept an hour and then I think she fell out (we have couch cushions all around her bed). The crib we bought was supposed to transform into a transition bed with safety rails to help her stay in. The rails looked great in the pictures but actually don't come more than a few inches above the mattress. Not exactly sufficient for our squirmy sleeper. We went to Baby's R Us after the doctor and got another bed rail. After A installed it I stood back and felt like all we did was make it a less safe crib instead of a bed with guide rails. Her feelings seemed mixed. She isn't sure she likes it but all day she couldn't stay away from it. We had to close the door to her room to stop her from jumping on her bed.