Mommy Chronicles

I went to a blog written by a mom we knew from our childbirth class. I read it from time to time and we tend to run into her and her son fairly often. Well... she is super Mom. I read her blog and I feel small. When it comes to Mom skills I try to keep up to date on my reading materials but really who are the "experts" to tell me how to raise my kid? I get a parent magazine, I download parenting podcasts, I read what to expect, fathering a toddler (it's a good book), and other assorted parenting books. My problem is that I never find the answers to the questions I have, the really stupid no-brainer questions that apparently only I wonder about. After reading the mommy blog I began to wonder if I should be taking to Ara to classes everyday. She takes her son to gymboree, art classes, story time, they walk, they jog, and they play with "friends". Ara and I are just a 2 person team. I am COMPLETELY shy around other mothers at parks, playgroups, and libraries. I don't know why exactly but I have it in my head that they are all more organized, experienced, and all around more "together" than me. An inferiority complex I guess. I brought up the subject of more play dates to A yesterday and he seemed to think that more "kid time" might be good for Ara. So next week I am going to make an effort to go to bed on time, make lunches the night before, and keep up on the laundry (yikes) so that I can take Ara to an activity everyday. At the very least a walk to our local park and hopefully a couple visits to play group, library, and maybe the zoo if we buy a pass.

I'm not sure this entry was entirely cohesive because I wrote it in bits while doing things in between.

~Cheers

Queen for a day!

Have you ever had one of those days where you feel like everything is going your way?

As Ara and I walked up to the booth to pay for our zoo tickets today the lady says, "we had a water pipe break so admission is free, you just can't use the water fountains or bathrooms". Ok, no problem we brought water and Ara has a diaper on!

The zoo was fun and the weather was really mild until we got to the back where the polar bears are, ironically I guess. Thats the point where you curve back around and head towards the entrance again. We were feeling hot, our water was almost gone. Then as we are passing the kid area again the water miraculously comes on! Water pipe is fixed! Ara got soaking wet and mostly watched the bigger kids play but she had a great time. When it was time I loaded her back into the stroller "her car" and striped her clothes and shoes off since they were dripping wet. I entered the gift shop with the idea of buying her a book of zoo memories that would also serve as a distraction for her doctor visit scheduled later that day. I spend $30 on a tiger toy, a zoo shirt (to cover Ara), and a cute book.

Later that day we arrive at the doctor office and the receptionist says that they called me way back in August to reschedule and that Ara can't see the doctor today. I am annoyed, I insist that I never received a call and that this appointment was important so if I had I most certainly would have rescheduled. The lady I'm talking to reminds me of a brick wall for all her compassion for my situation, but the lady that is next to her says she will go talk to someone. I wait, without holding much hope. A is annoyed because he got off work early to come to this appointment and we know it will be at least a month if we have to reschedule. I continue to stand in front of receptionist lady who continues to ignore my existence. Finally, other lady returns and she has good news! We can have a seat the doctor will see us! First time EVER that I have had one of these situations go my way with the medical profession!

The doctor we get is actually the one I have the most confidence in (this practice has several pediatricians). She confirms that Ara is healthy and wonderful and brilliant. She has the blood results and they are normal. She confirms what we have been suspecting that the hair loss looks like a behavior rather than a medical issue. She assures us that the referral for the dermatologist will become a reality in the near future. Then.... she suggests that cutting Ara's hair very short might stop her from pulling at night. I will have a hard time cutting her sweet little ringlets but hey, I will take this problem over a tumor any day.

So there it is.. this was like my day!

Frusterated

The wheels of the health industry turn so freaking SLOWLY! I called Ara's doctor's office this morning, a full week after her visit to find out why they haven't called to tell me the insurance had approved a specialist. They say they haven't heard from the insurance. How long does it take to call the insurance and get a yes or no? They also have no idea where the results from the blood work stands. It's only been a week, only 6 work days since we took her. Is it me or is this infuriating? I feel like there has got to be a faster way to get this done. In the mean time Ara is waking up everyday with more hair on her pajamas and I can't sleep at all. I'm going to call again in an hour. If being a nice Mommy doesn't get it done we will try annoying-calls-every-hour Mommy. Oh yes, I can be that lady. I think I will call the insurance directly as well and maybe I will find my own damn specialist and make her an appointment. My kid deserves better than this.

Edit: I posted this and then got back on the phone. I called the insurance directly and it turns out the specialist was approved on the 20th, 4 days ago? Punks.

"It's k"

We took Ara to the doctor today for her hair loss. I've been noticing hair in her crib and on her pajamas for a while now and it was sort of in my head that it might be too much hair. It wasn't until 3 days ago I noticed she has an almost bald spot on her head. It's not quite bald but the hair is much much thinner there and a it's a pretty big section, the doctor said about 3 inches. On a small head that seems like a lot. On some level I think I tried to ignore my instinct about the hair because I was afraid it might be something. If that is true, what kind of mother am I? We saw Dr. Dan, the doctor we usually see for well-baby visits and he said it could be such a variety of things that we needed to see a specialist. So after the insurance clears it, we will go see a dermatologist. We also have to go have her blood drawn to test for thyroid gland problems. He mentioned the thyroid problem specifically and said that sometimes a tumor on that gland can cause it to produce lower levels of the hormone. As he was examining Ara's head I was holding her to comfort her. Ara looked up into my face, stroked me softly and said, "it's k". Here I was trying to be strong and clear-headed, trying to stay focused and to ask the right questions and she sees right through me.

She sees that her Mommy is scared.

I didn't realize how scared until this moment. After all she has been through at the hands of doctors... it hasn't even been a year since we stopped battling the un-diagnosable, the biased-blind-arrogant-unstoppable...

I can't go on. I feel scared and helpless and I feel mad.


I want to make sure I talk about Ara's positive moments today. The topic I thought I was going to blog about. Ara is sleeping tonight in a big girl bed. We converted her crib at nap time but she only slept an hour and then I think she fell out (we have couch cushions all around her bed). The crib we bought was supposed to transform into a transition bed with safety rails to help her stay in. The rails looked great in the pictures but actually don't come more than a few inches above the mattress. Not exactly sufficient for our squirmy sleeper. We went to Baby's R Us after the doctor and got another bed rail. After A installed it I stood back and felt like all we did was make it a less safe crib instead of a bed with guide rails. Her feelings seemed mixed. She isn't sure she likes it but all day she couldn't stay away from it. We had to close the door to her room to stop her from jumping on her bed.

Anniversary

A and I have been together 12 years now. I remember the first time we talked; I sat down next to him and interrupted his reading. He looked intimidating to me because he wore glasses and had this "smart-guy" look to him. I only knew him as that really good trumpet player from my youth orchestra. He made me feel special. The way he looked at me when I talked. The details he remembered about me. My face used to hurt from smiling all the time. We spent our first year together spending every moment we could together. From morning to 11 pm at night (after rehearsal) and then we would go home and talk on the phone all night.

We celebrated on Sunday, my Sister watched Ara for the afternoon and we went to a restaurant and tried not to talk only about Ara! Then instead of seeing a movie liked we had planned we just went home. Finally non-Ara conversations flowed and we lay in each others arms talking, laughing, remembering, planning.

We squished them at the park!

Ara and I just got back from Triangle Park. The weather has cooled off a lot and it was overcast today. She has been grumpy in the mornings after we drop off A and I just can't seem to do anything right. She wants me to pay attention and to play but then she gets mad and throws a fit. She insists I wear her Nemo's Daddy Puppet on my hand no matter what I am doing. She even follows me into the bathroom with it (thanks Megan!) So my theory was that she needed to see some sunshine and get a little dirty. We tend to do "inside" activities when it is so hot outside but I think kids do need that outside time no matter how hot. The only problem is that I am a big baby when it comes to heat! She enjoyed the park but she had a few tiny tantrums there too. The first problem was 'English lady with the dogs she thinks don't need leashes'. If you get too near to this lady she will talk your ear off about her dogs. She has 2 of them; nice little friendly dog (Lucky) and mean 'ol scaredy-pants dog. Lucky was cute and friendly but of course Ara only wanted to pet the growling scared dog. People like this bug me. Put your dogs on leashes, especially if they cannot be trusted around children. A park is a place where parents should be able to bring their kids and relax. Instead I see the park as a series of danger obstacles. (As a side note this ladies dogs got into a fight with another man's dog who was on a leash) Well, anyway I had to constantly steer Ara away from the mean dog. I finally got her to go 'near' the playground when she spotted a bird across the street. So then I made her cry by telling her that she couldn't go into the street to chase birds. I finally got her to the playground where she discovered the joys of throwing sand. Once again.. mean old Mom had to say 'no'. I was getting a tiny but frustrated. I couldn't understand. Why can't she have fun like the other kids? Why does she always have to do the things I have to tell her she can't do? Then I thought, she is a toddler this is her job! This is a Mom test! I changed my attitude. I hitched a smile on my face and suggested we pretend we were trains and run to the other end of the park while making choo choo noises. It worked! We stopped at the swings where Ara 'flew' like a bird. Then we went over to a sandy area and she played there while I got to sit down and relax a little! Victory! I am full of WIN!

Ah the little successess of Motherhood that mean so much.

In honor of the occasion I made up a rap song that went:

We squished Ara's grumpies.
We squished them at the park!
The grumpies cannot get us..
they are squished at the park!

I think that's how it went anyway.

It's late and I'm telling random stories.

2 am and I'm still awake, but doing nothing. This reminds me of my old insomnia days, except now I have to be awake at 8 am (O.o). No sleeping in for me... oh how I miss the idea of sleeping in. Sleeping until you are done sleeping, what a fabulous concept. I might have to drink caffeine tomorrow so that Ara doesn't pwn me. Who am I kidding? She will pwn me no matter what I drink. A's Mom came over tonight and Ara showed her the new tap shoes. She did a fiery little routine on the tile by the front door while the three adults held their hands out in an effort to prevent any crashes. She enjoys spinning until walls bump into her. Reminds me so much of me! I also used to spend hours doing head stands in the hallway, I wonder if she will do that too. When my parents would make me mad I would turn away and stick my tongue out, imagining that it would bounce off the walls and somehow point at them.

I was thinking the other day about one of my old roomates, let's call her Kookoo. Kookoo and I shared a room in a 3 bedroom house. We usually had 5-6 girls living in the 3 bedroom house. I was in the habit of staying at A's house until very late and then tiptoeing into the house and into bed as quietly as I could so as not to wake Kookoo. On one such occasion I quietly closed the door and walked stealthily to my bed in the darkness. I reached out to pull my comforter down and realized someone had made my bed (lets face it I knew it wasn't me). Then I realized my comforter wouldn't come easily. It had been stitched to the sheets. Score one for Kookoo. I don't remember retaliating, Kookoo and I had a good laugh over the prank the next day. Then one night not long after I had come in late again and was preparing to brush my teeth. I squeezed my toothpaste and something black and squishy appeared. I squeezed it out and examined it in disgust. It was wrinkly and at first I thought it was a juicy dead bug marinated in toothpaste. Then, through years of prank training from my Mom I realized it was the classic raisin in the the tube gag. Immediately I began to form a plan. I had to prank back and it had to be good.

The next day I got home from school before Kookoo got off of work. I gathered my supplies, humming happily as I went into my room. I used sewing thread and scissors (borrowed from another house mate), thumb tacks, black construction paper, twist ties, paper clips, tape, and a black sharpie. I colored the twist ties black with the marker and then taped them to the black paper which I had crumpled into a ball, making a crude spider. Then I attached my spider to the thread. The thread I strung around the top of the room, running from just over Kookoo's bed to the door (thumb tacking the paper clips and running the string through the clips). I tied one end to the door knob, the other end had the spider. Kookoo came home and I was giddy with anticipation. She came into the room, grabbed something and left, all the while carrying on a conversation with one of our house mates in the kitchen. She hadn't even noticed. All was not lost though and I resorted to my sophisticated plan B. I called to her to come in the room! She swung the door open, the spider was pulled up the wall.. and she almost had a heart attack. We both struggled to breath. Her because she had been shocked and mortified. Me because I was so amused at my prank. She did eventually find it funny, but we called a truce on pranks after that.

Potty Time!

Ara sat on her potty today! She has had that potty chair for probably a year and up until now she mostly used it as toy storage. We had just come inside from doing yard work, well I was doing yard work she was jumping in puddles. She was wet so I stripped her down to her diaper and she turns to me.. points to her diaper and says, "off". I hesitated. Then I helped her take off her diaper. She held out her arm to take my hand and walked me to the potty! She sat her cute little butt right down on the potty chair, kinda sideways but ON THE POTTY!

This post brings me to this thought.

Someday Ara may read what I blogged about during her childhood.

She will read that I declared to the world that she sat naked on a toilet. Can you imagine reading YOUR Mother's blog, or diary, you know blog hard copy. I would be interested in something like that. To really know your parents when they were younger and to see how your accomplishments and milestones meant so much to them. I never really thought about how long my blog would live. I think I would feel sad if one day I didn't have the archives. I should print them and put them in Ara's memory box. I may not always be here and I would like to leave her a piece of me.