Flute Motivation

I was paroozing flute blogs and you tube videos and I came across a little article on

How to get your flute practicing back up after a Hiatus

I am posting it here so I don't forget about it lol.

Motivation gogogo!
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I think a goal I will set for myself is to record a piece and post it here. I miss performing and this can be my mini stage!


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I found this on a blog

Questions to ask yourself while practicing:

1. Is the tone fantastically beautiful? Is my embouchure without strain or fatigue?

2. Do I have the option of many tone colours and dynamics? Which ones are easy? How can I make the hard ones easier?

3. Am I using musical ideas, line, phrasing and emotion?

4. While playing all-slurred, is the fingering absolutely neat and even? (check with metronome?)

5. Are my large intervals as effortless as possible? (may need to roll out 1 more millimeter)

6. Am I using a combination of free tempo (for relaxing hands) and strict tempo (for keeping fingers even.)? Do I want to keep a record of the metronome markings achieved?

7. Are articulations crisp and stylistically varied? (Mozart/Bach/Prokofiev etc.)

8. At speed, do I need stabilizing fingerings?

9. Is the intonation perfect? What is the key? Which notes should be higher or lower than in equal temperment?

10. Can I improvise based on this pattern? Do I relax and balance my body more when I improvise?

11. Can I create an etude or mini-exercise to smooth out any fingering pattern or embouchure motion?

12. Can I sight-read material in this key or using these musical patterns? Is there an etude that would amplify and develop what I’ve just learned?

I Lack Fuel and Electricity !

Power Outage
I never finished my post last night because as I was writing it we lost power. The strange thing was there was no storm but there was a pretty significant area in the city without power for about 3-4 hours. Ara woke up the instant the power went out. She relies on her little night light and fan for white noise and she was scared. "A" was out with an old friend and I have to admit I was a little shaken by the outage.. what a dork am I? I used my phone as a flashlight because I couldn't find anything else. I put the one sad little scented candle I had in the bathroom on the kitchen table and Ara and I settled down in her room watching a movie on the laptop.

It was a long night, Ara was hyper and up way past her bedtime, A was grumpy and obsessed with finding wireless networks with his laptop, and I was tired. I eventually got Ara to sleep by using my iPod as a night light. Then I fell asleep on the couch. It was hot and dark and silent, how could anyone not sleep?

Petrol
The car ran out of gas again today. Luckily it was as we were pulling up to our house and I just parked it and Ara and I spent the majority of the day at home. Before you tell me I am a retard for running out of gas there is something you need to know... the entire dashboard of our car doesn't work! Not even the odometer so it's always a guessing game. "A" and I had just talked about getting gas in the evening when we picked him up. My Mom came later in the day and took Ara and I swimming. Then she let us borrow her car until tomorrow morning so we were saved! Saved! I almost said that I hated my car but I don't want bad car karma. I mean it still gets us around and still has AC so the purple car lives on!

Tomorrow
Workout tomorrow morning (and getting gas in the little jug thing for the car and returning my Mom's car) whew that was a long parenthesis.

We got groceries today, yay!

Unfinished

Workout: 52 minutes cardio, 20 minutes strength. It was a good day even though I forgot my iPod. Today was the first time I brought a book with me and I was actually able to concentrate so it was all good!

I'll write more tonight... maybe :P

Just another monday

Workout: 53 minutes (cue music) ONE minute more than Friday but soooooo much harder. I was ready to quit after 10 minutes so the other 43 minutes were pure willpower. Sucks. I need to stop taking weekends off because Monday always bites. Plus the Y is crowded on Monday and I never get my favorite machines! /whine. Also did strength today and added some weight so I am happy with that.

Yesterday Ara and I went to the hospital with A's Mom to visit the new baby. I am not sure how to spell his name but it sounds like Luciano. He was tiny and cried the whole time but I held him and he smelled just like Ara did when she was born. There is something about that smell that makes me ache a little. Ara is almost 3 and I am so excited about how she is growing up but a little part of me is feels sad about leaving babyhood behind.

I feel sooo tired tonight, I just got Ara in bed and it's only 9pm but I could go to sleep right now. I think this fatigue played a factor in my workout struggle this morning. If I want to have a better workout tomorrow morning I think I should maybe get some rest. Let's hope no giant disgusting beetles attack me tonight. My foot will never feel clean again.

Worst Fear

It's 2:40am and I just found one of these giant hideous bugs in the worst way. I went to the bathroom but didn't bother to turn on the light... when I went over to the sink to wash my hands I stepped on something spiny and pokey and a little crunchy. At first I dismissed it as one of Ara's toys but after a second of thinking that it might be something else I turned on the light to see my worst nightmare scuttling a little dazedly across the floor.

Let me repeat that I stepped on this with my bare feet. So I am totally freaking out for 2 reasons. One, this prehistoric looking freak of a bug touched my feet. Two, I stepped on it and other than being a little dazed it looks to be perfectly fine.

I mean this thing was HUGE, it had to have been like 5 inches long and it had attitude too like it thought it could take me out. I put on shoes, opened the front door, cleared a path, then used the broom to sweep it out. Instead of running from my broom it turned and attacked! I'm glad I didn't know it could fly because then I might have just cried and shook in fear in the corner all night.

My foot feels contaminated and I am too freaked out to sleep now!

Info on the dinosaur bug

The Flute in the Loop

"Every little thing is gonna be alright"

Bob Marley just came on my iPod and he insisted I listen to his lyrics!

This weekend was tiring and I am not entirely sure why..

I am looking forward to working out tomorrow, I meant to sneak some time in this weekend but there is no childcare on Sun and I was busy all day Saturday. I am excited to see more progress, I added 5 minutes to cardio on Friday and I plan to do the same tomorrow. I am going to add 1 or 2 songs to my iPod to motivate me! Is it sad that excites me so much? I am thinking about how I will go on You Tube and watch music videos to choose what I will buy from iTunes! I have been noticing new muscle definition in my legs and that is exciting. It's not a huge change because I had to flex and make A touch my leg to get him to see a difference lol. Whatever, give me my small milestone!

I will also be making time to play flute this week. I have been letting that slide and I miss playing. Summer is an off season for most orchestra's so I don't have that but I feel sad about not playing more anyway. I didn't realize how much I regret walking away from a career in music until this week when A and I were talking. It's strange how you can let that kind of thing eat at you and never be fully aware of it. For most of my life I saw myself as a flute player. It defined me. Now, I am a mommy. Can I be both? Sure I can, it's a more difficult road, but it will be all that much more rewarding. Especially now that I am so out of playing shape. Just the thought of playing again makes me feel emotional. The last two season I have really felt that I was putting forth minimal effort for my orchestra and that is sad because they featured me so prominently last year. They should fire me! I just haven't been the player I know I can be and that I have been and it makes me feel discouraged. I can have it all back though, all I need to do is practice and start making some inquiries into playing opportunities. I should really plan a recital... scary thoughts, and exciting.

More than one person has remarked to me this week about how I probably can't wait to go back to work when Ara is in school... I found this surprising because that wasn't a thought in my head lately. I have found a rhythm with Ara that makes us both happy so for the first time in a while I have been feeling content. Am I giving off some sort of unhappy vibe or maybe the look of someone who converses more often with a 2 year old than adults. Besides that my "work" before Ara was teaching flute, gigging when I could, and performing with my orchestra. I never really viewed that as work. I always said "I have to teach today" not "I have to work today" because quite frankly I enjoy it too much to call it work.

I hope this makes sense because I am writing it in little bits while doing other things.

Deep Elliiptical Thoughts

Workout: 52 minutes cardio on the elliptical and 20 minutes strength.

Goals: An hour of cardio and once I get there I will increase resistance and difficulty. I would like to add another set to the strength circuit. At the moment I do one set of 30 reps on each I want to double that.

Life:
Tonight my little family is going out to dinner and to Target! I love Target lol but it is a money trap. We never make it out of there under $100. Budgets and bills, so much to worry about. I wish I was better with money and with paying bills but my scatterbrain ways apply to everything. Except Mommy memory, I have excellent MM! Ask me when the electric bill is due... I might have a vague recollection but ask me where Ara left her black ballerina slipper and I can tell you it is probably under the left couch cushion because I saw her playing there before her shoes were lost. A and I have planned an "us" night tomorrow, we are still not sure if we can get someone to watch Ara though. We have talked about setting aside some times to focus on our relationship with each other but something always de-rails us. I hope we can make this a priority and really open up. The last time we were able to sneak away we went to see Indiana Jones and had a quick dinner. I miss the days when we would camp and hike and hang out at book stores. I feel like we have put ourselves and our relationship on the back burner too much. Ara is important, the most important but she needs us to be happy as well.

Why do I NEED titles?

Yesterday was an unplanned slacker day because I felt ick, today Ara and I went to visit my Dad, and tomorrow is going to be cardio day from hell. I want to close my eyes and go to my happy place where I forget where I am and what I am doing. I fall away and there is nothing but the rhythm and the music.

A Day Off

Workout: Dancing in the living room with Ara! I took the day off because I wasn't feeling well.

Ara and I went to the craft store and got some goodies for her birthday party, then we went to the library where we colored and checked out new books and a DVD, then we got lunch because I had a coupon (look at me lol) and then finally... home. Where we are lunch and then danced around like ballerinas or something slightly resembling ballerinas anyway.

It was a good day!

short

Workout:
47 minutes elliptical and strength

I've been eating good all day but I am starving right now!

testing

Another Monday

Work out: 50 minutes on the bike on the cardio program which adjusts the difficulty to help you maintain your optimal heart rate. This program is evil btw. It is Monday and I took the weekend off so the first 10 minutes were hard, then I hit the zone and never looked back. I went 17 miles and still didn't touch the calories I burned last Thursday lol. All workouts this week will be aspiring to the Thursday ass kicking of last week. I feel good, there is something about working out in the morning that sets your whole day up. I've heard exercise releases hormones that make you happy but it also gets out all the frustration and tension you have!


My boring Plan:
Cleaning the floors tonight after dinner so that tomorrow after the Y I can shower and still have time to take Ara to the library to return the books we have and pick up a few movies I reserved for her. She loves watching new Charlie and Lola episodes and I'll admit it... I do too! We limit her TV watching to a total of 45 minutes a day. Which includes about 10 minutes in the morning while we get ready and in the evening. Any more than that I notice a huge change in her attention span, tolerance, and behavior. If the TV is not on she will play pretend with her trains or pony's, draw, dress up, and a multitude of other things that are better for her development.

Ara and I have been planning her birthday party. I think I am more excited about it than she is every year. I just want to celebrate her milestones and make her feel so special. She has asked for a PinkyPie cake and balloons and a little red bike with a red helmet. Oh and a new Pony. We have already been stockpiling the presents. I am hoping she will receive more clothes, art supplies, puzzles, games, and/or books than toys. But I know the joy of gift giving and I won't begrudge anyone for giving her some toy that will make her eyes light up. I want to make her cake but everyone makes fun of me for that and our oven doesn't work /sigh

I am going to stop typing and try to steal some time for a nap while Ara sleeps.

Funder and Lightning

 

This is Ara marveling at the sky while a monsoon storm was rolling in.

She is fascinated with the thunder and like I said in my last post she talks non-stop about the "funder"!  She keeps saying that it beeps, so we are not entirely convinced she knows what thunder actually is.

Lady Cakes

Workout Update: Same as usual, I think I need to change up my cardio I am getting bored on the elliptical. I did aerobic and strength today and the Ara and I went swimming.

Ara woke up today talking about thunder and hasn't taken a break to even breath since. The entire car ride to drop off A and to the YMCA. When I picked her up after my workout the childwatch helpers said she had talked to every single kid about thunder. We went to my Mom's to swim and she stopped off at my Mom's truck and told the TRUCK about thunder. Then she continued to tell my Mom about it for the entire 2 hour swim and now we are home and she is drawing pictures of thunder. I think.... she is interested in thunder. She says that thunder is not here now and that she is not scared of if. Then she lists other people who she thinks might be scared of thunder. The cutest part is that she actually says "Fender" instead of "Thunder".

Busy weekend coming up, A is off tomorrow for the holiday. The Y will be closed sadly because I thought that would be a great opportunity to actually make it in time for the step class.

Nap time construction

I struggled through my workout today. I went 47 minutes again but this time my heart rate was soaring in the 170's. I'm not sure why I was up so high the whole time but it killed me. Plus I was still sore from yesterday and I had a awful breakfast (McD Sausage thing). We had McD's for breakfast because we were running late getting A to work and I didn't have time to grab something from home. I usually need to eat something before I work out but that was obviously the wrong choice. We got the the Y later than usual and someone was already on the Elliptical machine I like so I got stuck on the mean one apparently. I really had to keep telling myself to keep going. I would think "hey you've made it 30 minutes, you can do anything for 15 more minutes!". I skipped weights today for two reason, one the trainer told me not to do strength training everyday and, two my body said I was done. I burned 526 calories today in 45 minutes, an all time high for me on the machines. Higher by A LOT from anything I have done before. Why was I so insane today?! 170 is supposed to be the max heart rate for me and I could feel it when I passed that. I was dying! Tomorrow is a swimming day I think, I have punished myself enough for two days.

It's supposed to be nap time right now but of course the landlord is pounding away at the wall again. I am starting to hate him. He is completely renovating our old house and we share a wall. The part that makes me want to kill him is that he is so cheap he is doing all the work himself. So he shows up at noon and pounds away for a few hours then takes off. At this pace he will be done in 3 years and apparently he only works during nap time. There is actually a hole in the wall under the bathroom sink the size of a basketball that I can look through and see the other side. So you can see how the sound is carrying. He may as well be in our living room with his hammer and drill. I hate him. It's the first, rent is due and I hate him. The two are unrelated.

Boring

Workout:
47 minutes Elliptical Average heart rate 150, peak 173
20 minutes resistance circuit

I went over my target heart rate for a good portion of the workout, it felt good but I don't know if that is a good thing or not.

This weekend was good, especially Sunday I was in a really good mood. On Saturday I went to teach, I have had to cancel for two weeks so it was nice to be back teaching and playing. When I got home we all ran to Target to grab some last minute things for my Mom's birthday party and her present. My Brother, Sister, and I went in on an iPod for my Mom. I hope it's something she will use, she was asking about mine at the Y and I don't think I could do it without my Cardio play list. There is something about an upbeat song that really makes you want to move. Especially when I am pushing it at the end I have the incredibly lame 4 minutes song on... it motivates me. Maybe I want to save the world with cardio... lol. When we got home from Target A's Mom was there to take him to do laundry, I have officially been fired from doing his work clothes lol. She tried to lay a huge guilt trip on me about her son works hard he should not have to help wash his own clothes.. or put them away. I resisted pointing out that she works and somehow manages to clean her own clothes even though she doesn't have a personal slave. Normally I would have been offended, but I know she does laundry better than me and personally I think she wants some excuse to come take care of her son/baby. So it works out for everyone. I even think A is glad to have his Mom coming over every week, they go out and have dinner and go to Target and whatever. I try to see my parents every week but he doesn't usually make much of an effort to see his at all. It's good for them to have a standing appointment. So I packed our swimming suits and Ara and I went to my Mom's for swimming and BBQ. We swam for so long! We must have been in the pool for 2 hours and in the Az sun that can drain all the energy out of you. I was still sore from my workout but I tried to sneak in a workout in the pool anyway. Being in water is so wonderful, I love to float on my back and let the water cover my ears. It feels so free. One of the books I read recently described swimming as a salve on your sadness. It washes away your stress and let's you feel weightless and cool. In the water Ara is completely confident. I still have her wearing the life vest but she does pretty well without it by holding on to noodles or tubes. She can go underwater and hold her breath and she can spin and splash! Did I mention I love swimming? Later in the evening Ara had a meltdown, which was to be expected after such a long day but she hit me in the jaw so hard with her head I almost blacked out. I took her to the car to calm her down and she grabbed my glasses and threw them into the street. She was hitting my face and inconsolable so I strapped her in her car seat and said goodbye to everyone. I placed my bag with our swimming stuff in the passenger side front seat and closed the door. As it clicked closed I knew what I had done. My keys we on the seat and the doors were locked. Luckily the clouds had rolled in and she was still wet from the pool. Emily got the door open with a wire hanger before Ara could get overheated and she wasn't even freaked out for most of it. She thought we were playing peek-a-boo with her. By the time the door opened we were both so glad to be together the fit was over and we went back in to eat. I carry 3 sets of spare keys because I have always been afraid of doing just that very thing. All spare keys were in the car! Anyway the rest of the night was fine. Ara and I went home and she got ready for bed. She brushes her own teeth and helps put on her pajamas. Then we laid on her floor and read books, talked, and said her prayers. She went to sleep without a struggle and I relaxed with a movie on the couch. I was asleep when A and his Mom walked in, the had In and Out Burger and looked happy.

Sunday I had to wake up early to watch my nephew at 6:30am. This time I went over to my Sister's because having the two kids here is more work! It was nice, Joey was really happy to have me there paying attention to him. We made the video I posted yesterday. It was great we both laughed until we hurt while making that silly movie. I got a couple loads of mine and Ara;s laundry done and then I left at 3 pm when Em got off of work. When I got home everyone was asleep. A's Mom had come over again to make breakfast and spend some time with Ara. I was exhausted so I joined them and took a nap of my own! We woke up late, 6 pm so we dressed and went out to eat. There was a rainbow in the sky and Ara thought it was the most beautiful thing she had ever seen.

So there is my weekend blow by blow and probably the most uninteresting thing anyone has ever written but it's by stream of conciseness! I really need to look into putting my blog back on my domain (fluteloop.com) I don't think anyone even knows I am blogging over here on blogger.com! Still it's nice to write.

The Joe Show

What Ara Can Teach Me.

45 on the elliptical!  Proud.  I even did another 20 minutes of cardio after the fact.. why?  I think I did it because I could and that feels good.  I had only planned on doing 35 minutes today since it is my first elliptical day but at 35 I felt like I could keep going.. so I did.  It wasn't as hard as I thought it would be.  I am starting to really feel a difference, this is my third week of working out and it's nice to see.  I can do more, and go longer.  I don't see any muscles yet though.  Hello, muscles where are you?  Haha, kidding I am not planning on being a flex-a-lot lady I just want to be able to keep up with my firecracker daughter.

 

Speaking of fast moving toddler girls...

Ara has been outright ignoring me lately and she has been constantly doing prohibited things to get a reaction from me.  On Tuesday, I changed her diaper then got up to do the dishes.  I turned around and looked at Ara twice, sitting on the couch reading a book like an angel.  The third time I looked she had gotten up and gone to her room.  I though, "Aww she probably wants another book".  I finished the dishes and then went to her room.  She had shut the door, never a good sign.  I opened it to find that she had squeezed the entire tube of foot cream for her rash.  She had it all over her body, on the floor, closet door, her hair.  I had JUST mopped and the sight of goob all over everything gave me a small heart attack.  I was frustrated.  She was delighted that she had not only gotten to experiment with goop but also had won the power struggle with Mom over who was in control.  I was angry.  I washed her and sent her to time out while I cleaned up.  This is just one example of the daily struggles.  I read all the books and and articles about toddlers and their desire for power and control and yet I was still struggling to be even tempered about this kind of behavior.  I was also angry at myself for leaving that tube down where she could reach it.  How do you beat that?  Being mad at yourself for giving your toddler the opportunity to make you mad?  Anyway, today I tried a new strategy.  I think I have been getting too involved in cleaning and working out and cooking and doing dishes.  I have been ignoring clues from Ara that she needs more play time with Mom and less time being told not to make a mess.  Today I vowed to come down to her level and talk with her instead of at her.  We had a dance party and a pretend slumber party.  I got her step stool and had her help make a fruit smoothy.  She peeled the banana and even pushed the blender buttons.  She helped me clean up and I could see she felt happy to be included and proud of herself.  We still had moments where she tested me but this time I was in control. I wasn't mad I was calm and that means that we both win! 

Workout Update and Poo News

My workout this morning was intense and I felt so strong. I was walking around (on wobbly legs) like I owned the world. Who is tough? I am! I did 35 minutes of cardio, the problem is that there is supposed to be a warm-up and a cool-down but when I get to the end and decrease the difficulty I just go faster and my heart rate stays up at 150. I keep telling myself to slow down, but the momentum and adrenaline tell me otherwise. I am going to switch to the elliptical machines tomorrow to keep things new and fresh, and hard. I am a little nervous about 35-40 minutes because the elliptical's always feel like more work to me, but I am going for cardio training so it's really my heart rate I am interested in. I think it's so interesting how they have used technology to make working out more efficient and easier to track. The Y has a computer system that logs your works outs and sometimes the trainers will leave you notes. I like little gadgety things like that, they keep me motivated and help me to push the limits a little more. The weights I did today felt good, I was able to get through the legs even though they felt numb from the bike lol.

I have to tidy up the house because I have a student today but I would rather take a nap when Ara does! The house isn't in terrible shape, I get so tired of doing the floors everyday though. I like all tile, because it seems cleaner than carpet but it's hard on your knees and feet after you've been on it all day and it's a constant job sweeping and mopping. I did all the dishes today but of course another meal has happened and "rinse repeat" literally! I hand washed the workout clothes I wore today and yesterday because they are my favorite and I want to wear them again this week. So I have to rinse and hang those up, then of course do the bathroom surfaces. The list goes on and on, a thousand tiny jobs that add up to probably 2 hours worth of chores. For the moment though, Ara is playing animals and I am giving my legs a 10 minute break.

The potty training is progressing slowly but surely. She seems content to use diapers as long as they are on her butt so it seems it will have to be all of nothing. No diaper, means some accidents but she doesn't like that so she is far more motivated to sit on the potty chair. We bought her some cute little underwear and so the struggle has begun! Pee pee wars! The good news is we have all TILE. Ahh the good and bad. No scrubbing poo out of carpets for me. A clorox wipe and a quick mop and ta da, good as new. I am a poo cleaning super hero. Don't get any ideas, Ara poop only.

YMCA Fitness Person

I met with a fitness expert today at the Y.  I really enjoyed the hour spent with her, we went through my current workout and talked about how to make it more effective and added some things.  I know it's her job, but I felt encouraged and good about the progress I've made so far.  This is my third week and I am proud of myself for sticking to it.  The AC wasn't working at the Y today, though so the second I was done with the trainer, I whisked Ara out of there and went straight to my Mom's to swim!  I hope it's fixed by tomorrow morning, that was super miserable lol.  I will work out either way, that is how hard-core I am.  That's right, feel impressed!  I am trying to increase my cardio, I have been doing a 25 minute workout so tomorrow I will be going for 35 minutes!  It doesn't seem like much but 10 minutes can seem like an eternity sometimes.  I do a half hour strengthening routine as well but I am focusing on increasing the cardio, my goal is 45 minutes at my target heart rate.  The funny part is that they limit you to 30 minutes on the machines... I doubt anyone will be timing me.

Our car is back home with us now, my Dad spent his entire weekend on it in this 109 degree heat.  Stupid car.  I am so ready to look at a car with a warranty.  My wish list includes: working gas gauge, non-overheating, good gas mileage, and... a button ignition!   I'm kidding about that last part but I will be honest that is the feature on the Prius's that excites me the most. 

I've been taking Ara swimming pretty frequently and I am more and more convinced that she is part fish.  Last Friday we didn't have her life vest because it was in the broken purple car.  I took her in anyway and she is so buoyant she practically floats.   She did just fine without the floaty and I was proud and deeply impressed.  I made her 2 little bracelets a few days ago during one of our many craft hours and she has been wearing them everyday.  She loves them, and she looks so cute!

Showered with Baby (presents)

We went to a baby shower for A's niece today and it was an interesting trip down memory lane for me.  This Niece was the one who hosted our baby shower 3 years ago, in the same house, with the same games, and the same people.  So you can see how I drew some parallels!  The mother is young, A says 22 but she seems so much younger to me, he has known her longer so I will defer to him!  We brought Ara with us and it took us a lot of convincing to get her to stop declaring the shower "her" party.  I am still not sure she believed us!  The new baby will have every type of baby apparatus it could ever want or need.  Both parents have families that made sure of that.  Down to the top of the line night vision baby monitor and about a thousand pairs of tiny Nike's.  Someone estimated that the gifts from this shower (their 2nd shower) totaled well over $1000.  And that does not include the crib or the $200 bassinet they received.  So there you go, the going rate for having a baby in style is somewhere in the $2000 range for "stuff" alone.  Not to mention all the other crap the will need but did not know enough to register for.  Like bottles, breast pump (I bet all guys cringe when I say that), diapers, wipes, sleep... oh wait they can't have that no matter where they register! 

The strange thing is, that even being a woman with a kid, I still find showers kind of boring!  I'm sorry!  It's just the truth.  I will admit that I sometimes daydream about Ara having a sibling but when it comes to being excited for other people to have babies I  just don't feel it.  Keep in mind that I had Ara the natural way.  No drugs to ease the pain, just lots of yelling and delirious dreams of killing my midwives (lol j/k I loved them) but even so I think back on infancy as the most painful part of Ara's birth!  I shudder at the sleep deprivation, I never got more than a 2 hour stretch.  The colic.  If you've experienced it then, "nuff said".  The worries over ever squeaky baby sound made in the night.  Oh no, I still remember the pain, it is too early for me to have clouded out the bad.  I see other woman looking all misty eyed over the idea of a baby and I realize that I am either not normal or I have far to detailed a memory. 

Sad Purple Car

The old Mp3 of Ara talking about our car applies very much at this moment.



This morning we all jumped into the purple car, we usually take A to work, then Ara and I spend about 2 hours at the YMCA, then we were going to feed the birds (I am house sitting today), then come home to clean up for my student. Instead I am sitting on the couch in my workout clothes because the... sad purple car has grown distant and unresponsive! What I mean to say is that it won't start. It makes an effort but it's all too much for it I guess.

Ara says she can fix it.

Her suggestions;

1. The purple car needs batteries.
2. The purple car needs a star catcher truck (star catcher is how she says white because it's the name of a white My Little Pony).
   
3. We need a new purple car.

She had more ideas than I did. I really know nothing about cars except that I like them when they drive me around and keep me cool. A is at his computer, unable to get to work and it's already hot as hell outside!

It's sad because the only thing I can think of is to call my Dad but he is at work until this evening so I am lame.

Little Violin

This video is wonderful and has inspired me to expose Ara to more music and to research early start music programs. Don't worry I won't be making her a suzuki zombie, pretty sure she would have none of that anyway!

This Morning's Playtime!

Parties and Books

Friends:

A, Ara, and I went to a friends house for a BBQ and laughs today. I have been looking forward to it since.. A sent me an email reminding me it was happening! I have a terrible memory for dates and times. I need to add that disclaimer to my profile so I can site it whenever anyone gets hurt that I am forgetful. Personally I think it's a borderline disability but I am sure laziness plays a part. I feel like this was the first time we have really had Ara at a get together for adults that wasn't family. I could be wrong, but I think so. Megan (old HS friend and host) was great with her. She had toys and kid friendly snacks all prepared. There was another boy there who was almost 4 (son of orchestra mates of ours (that came out awkwardly)) and he was such a little cutie. He let Ara monopolize all of his toys and even boss him around. He was laid back enough to let her be and that made for great kid-harmony! I felt so bad for him when he took a liking to a toy camera of Ara's and after asking so sweetly to play with it he was denied by my little angel. He looked so sad but no amount of reasoning would convince Ara to share it so I did the "Mom" thing and put it away so it would be forgotten.

Unrelated Book News:
I found an interesting looking book in Walmart's bargain bin called Night Swimming by Robin Schwarz. I don't usually buy books based on their covers but it's summer, I was in the mood for a light hearted book, and... I like swimming? In the books description I believe it actually said, "this is a chic book". The writing was sometimes awkward and the characters insincere stereotypes but the story was entertaining and the message was sweet. And every once in a while the author would throw in really beautiful and insightful tidbits that, in the end made me really care about the main characters. Overall, I really enjoyed it and now I need a new book to read!

That sounded like a 6th grade book report. Go me.

I had more to write about but it's 2 am and I need to get some rest.

Taco later.

Chris Cendana

This is someone I am subscribed to on You Tube.  He name is Chris Cendana and when he posted a video today saying he had to cancel his San Diego show I thought I would add him to my blog just to expose the 2 people who read my blog to his music and voice.  My heart goes out to people who put their whole being into what they love.  Musicians who play because they simply have to, not because they will be famous or rich or have fans scream their names.  If the whole world was filled with people with this kind of honesty then it would be a better place and all the puppies would have homes.

Chris Cendana's MySpace.

Why? MCA!

We joined the YMCA yesterday along with my Mom and her b/f.  I have been feeling really stressed lately and Ara has picked up on my frustration and made it her mission to test her limits every singe second of everyday.  What I am trying to say is that I was desperate for an outlet for my stress and the Y offers that AND free childcare while you leave your cares behind you on the treadmill.  What a dream.  Why have I not been doing this for years?  I spent an hour yesterday in the child care area to get a feel for the place and help Ara transition.  I still think of her as my little girl but the truth is that she is almost 3 and quite frankly she is ready to move out of the Mommy shadow and stand on her own two feet.  She would check in with me occasionally but for the most part she was thrilled to be hanging out with kids and playing with new toys.  Today I took her to the room and she said, "bye Momma".  And just like that I had some guilt-free time to spend making myself feel good.  A has had his reservations about the cost of a monthly membership but I NEED this and $60 seems like a fair price for a little piece of self. 

Crazy Dancer

This guy makes me happy!

Orchestra

Rehearsals started tonight with a guest conductor.  We were about a half hour late so I am sure he was impressed by that! 

I took Ara swimming at my Mom's house today and she had so much fun.  She reminds me of myself, I just love to be in the water.  Last summer I bought her a life vest to help her float but I always held her to keep her face out of the water.  Now she is so confident in the water she complains if I try to hang on to her.  She really understands how to move in the water to propel herself and to keep her face out of the water.  I keep thinking she will be a little fish by the end of the summer! 

This is going to be an exhausting 5 days with rehearsals and/or concerts every day.  It's hard on all of us.  We have to drive to my Dad's to drop Ara off, then back track 30 minutes to get to the rehearsal.  Immediately afterwards we zip back up to get her and by they time we can finally relax and get Ara in bed it is past 11pm.  Ara's regular bedtime is 7:30 pm.  Every concert cycle A and I wonder if it is worth it.  I hate having to impose on my family to baby sit 5 days in a row until 10:30 at night.  I hate keeping Ara awake that late and dealing with grumpy-girl all the next day.  On the other hand, I miss playing and this is my little sparkle of time to do something for myself.  As tiring as it is, it somehow feeds my soul and makes me feel important for something other than cleaning and driving and answering the constant "momma!" call of duty.  I need that for myself and so every time I ask "is this worth it?" the answer is the same.  That doesn't mean I won't complain though!  I just need a live in nanny. 

Seriously though whenever I day dream of what I would do if I were to win a lottery or casino jack pot I think I would like one of those adorable houses in the old neighborhoods.  With a charming courtyard and a shady spot to put a swing in a garden.  I don't think I would actually have a nanny because raising my daughter is my job!  I would however, like to have a maid, driver, and cook!  Can you imagine having all the time you usually devote to chores and grocery shopping and errands to do with as you please?  Ara and I could have a room devoted to painting and someone to clean up after we get a little wild.  And now I feel guilty!  The life we have now is a dream come true in itself so I will pull my head out of the clouds and look around and be thankful! 

I need to get to sleep, it's 2 am and the madness starts again in 6 hours.

Giant Update

I've been unable to post to my blog for so long I don't know where to begin. 

First off, we moved into the other side of the duplex we were living in.  It's so much nicer than our old place but there is still a little part of me that aches about leaving the house that was Ara's first home.  I finally have cupboards with doors and cooling/HEATING that comes through actual vents.  We have 2 bedrooms now and tile throughout.  I will post some pictures another day when I am not so tired.  I wasn't able to leave any sort of message about moving my blog on fluteloop.com so I doubt anyone will be reading this.  I imagine Ara reading this someday and I enjoy writing so I will continue. 

Ara has grown so much these past few months.  She can hold real conversations now and her curiosity knows no bounds.  She can spin like a real dancer and her new passion is My Little Pony. 

I went to California with Ara and my family at the beginning of May.   We drove and I tried to prepare myself for the most horrific road trip of my life and I was pleasantly surprised.  The kids were really good and they entertained each other.  I do really hate long car rides though and I hope to avoid them for a long time.  The visit was very nice.  We visited with my Dad's family and they all met Ara for the first time.  She declared that she did not like most of them.  I want to stop her from telling people that but at the same time I think she is entitled to her opinion.  I just encouraged her to say it in a nicer way! 

<unknown relative> ARA!  Aren't you a pretty girl!?

<Ara> I don't like you (furtive glance at mother) No thank you please!

That's how it went down the line of loud and adoring Filipino aunties until we went to visit my great grandmother (93 years old).  Ara's great great Grandmother looked into her stubborn little face and giggled!  Ara smiled and started to laugh.  It was a wonderful moment.  I took about 1000 pictures on my Sister's camera but I haven't brought them back to my computers yet.  We were able to spend a lot of time with my Grandmother Regina, and that made my heart ache a little.  I miss her so much and I wish that she could be a regular part of my Ara's life.  I wish that I could watch over her and make sure that she had eatable food and her house was in better repair.  I am glad that we went, I didn't really want to go but this was probably the last chance for Ara to meet her great great Grandma.

Well as far as big updates that is all I can think of for now, I have a lot of time to make up for!

Movable Words

I can't post to my fluteloop.com website because it seems my FTP information is wrong. So... I've decided to move my blog back over to Blogger's site until I can figure that situation out. I may just keep my blog here and use fluteloop.com for design and pictures. Anyway look here for more updates!

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This is a test... I can't seem to update via my Window's Live Writer.

My domain expired on the 10th of this month and I hadn't talked to Jaime about renewing it so I kept expecting it to be gone... but it's not! Thank you once again Jaime you always have my back!

S.T.R.E.S.S (help me!)

Moving is such a hassle!  Even when you are only moving next door to yourself.  Our deadline is this Saturday and it is sandwiched in between concerts and rehearsals and general life-ness.  I pulled something in my right elbow yesterday, I keep lifting things that are too heavy but if I don't this effort will never be finished.  We still have SOOOO much to do.  The biggest problem is that the new house has less places to stash things.  More bedrooms but less storage and wall space.  So we have the new house set up all pretty and non-cluttered and the old place is sitting there full of clutter.  We have purged a good amount but more will have to go. 

Today has been crazy.  I had a morning rehearsal at the Fox Theatre so my Mom helped me out by taking Ara to the Children's Museum so I could be at rehearsal for at least the Debussy and Tan Dun Pieces.  I left early, picked them up, did A's bank errand, picked up lunch, dropped off my Mom, and came home.  Ara was in need of a bath but I cannot get the pilot lit on our water heater.  I know nothing about water heaters and until today I have never even really looked at one.  Ours is in an outside shed that is full of spider webs and other scary things.  I read the instructions and turned the knob things and pushed the pilot lighter and sort of jabbed the lighter at the thing I thought looked like the ignition spot.  It's amazing that such expertise did not produce results right?  I WANT HOT WATER.  So I put Ara's little bathtub out on the porch and she went "swimming" in it.  Then I put her to bed and I was really looking forward to a little down time but it was not to be.  Ara filled her diaper with poop then got out of bed and took off her diaper.  After everything in her room had a nice coating of poop she called me in.  So I spent the last hour re-bathing her, hand washing all her bedding, and scrubbing her rug and tile floor.  I also got to call A's Mom to ask her if she would come to our house earlier.  He called me from work twice to tell me to call her, his excuse was that he didn't have time to call her.  So I got to be the bad guy and listen to her silence and sighs.  Yes, she was THAT dramatic.  You know I feel buried in life right now and I feel guilty that my brother, dad, and sister have taken the brunt of watching Ara until late 3 days this week.  I just don't know who else to ask for help.  But I DO need it.  I had a dream that I was in labor and I had forgotten the phone number of the birth center and A wouldn't help me.  He just sat at the computer.  Actually in the dream he was talking to some girl on the computer but he doesn't do that in real life so I don't know why I would dream that.   Anyway between moving and all the rehearsals I feel stressed and just in desperate need of someone to vent to and to lean on and to lift heavy things for me!  

Saturday is tomorrow and the impossible task is looming.

Ara Update

I haven't really posted about Ara's development lately so I thought I would just put up a list of sorts.

• She has been able to count to 1 1 in English and 10 in Spanish for a while now.
• She has mastered all the basic colors.
• When she draws she has amazing control.  She drew two small circles and told me they were glasses. 
• She can build impressive structures with legos and blocks.
• She is very communicative with her feelings.  When strangers talk to her she usually tells them that she is a little scared and that she is shy!
• She can tell you her name and age.
• She knows the words to several songs and sings constantly.

Today Ara said the most hilarious thing!  She said she had "diaper crash"!  We are working on potty training and she is wearing the pull up diapers.  The pull ups are significantly more expensive than the regular kind and Ara likes to take them off for no reason and throw them away.  Last week she took off her pants and diapers, put on her dress shoes and a santa hat and came walking into the living room as proud as she could be!

 

We are in the process of moving and Ara is very excited about her new room.  I just hope she will sleep in it!

Hot Water

  Ara and I had a play date today at a wonderful park.  We met my friend Renee and her daughter who just turned one.  Renee suggested the park and I had never been so when we got there I was in awe.  It was beautiful. 

"A unique 101-acre park with a perennial warm spring flowing into three large ponds, The water source has attracted a wide variety of waterfowl and other wildlife species. Human habitation has been found to date back about 5,500 years. The site makes for a perfect place for a picnic or day hike."

The water is as clear as glass and the fish are surprisingly colorful and exotic looking. 

Ara fed the ducks and the fish and was one happy little toddler. 

I enjoyed getting out to try something new, it was so much nicer to go to this nature preserve than to our main park with it's artificial blue water and creepy guys walking around.  It was also nice to have some adult conversation whenever Ara would let me!

Lights Out

Piccolo Concerto!~

It's OVER!  I feel such a sense of relief that the concerts are over. 

I had fun, I really did and it was a good experience.  I got to give the world premiere of a strange and wonderful piece.  I felt honored by my fellow orchestra members and that was amazing and surprising.  They were all very supportive and through it all I felt more like one of them then I ever have.  I met and worked with the composer who has led a fascinating life.  He was trying to talk A into playing his trumpet concerto next year!  Lol. 

The first performance was tense.  I was so nervous and the crowd was so full and CLOSE to me.  I don't like it when people are so close!  Megan, Pat, and my Dad all came to see me and it really meant so much to me that they were there.  Afterwards I was invited to a reception and so many people came up to me with smiling faces to say that they enjoyed the performance.  I admit I was really insecure about the audience liking it.  And me for that matter.  So unless they were lying (if they were thank goodness they are good liars) they didn't hate it. 

The second performance was last night in an adjacent town.  It was HOT the air was stuffy and I couldn't swallow my mouth was so dry.  Strangely, though I was so much more relaxed and I felt it was a good performance. 

On the way home I had several random Highway thoughts:

Driving one of those Semi(?) trucks seems like it could be kind of cool.  What a life, driving along all alone for days on end.  Every day would be a road trip day!

I wonder why Europe is always more environmentally conscious than we are?  I mean my city used to have a trolly that ran down town but other than that the public transport is a fleet of stinky polluting buses.  Why have we never considered electric buses? 

I have to drive down there again soon for a quintet performance, so I though here is an opportunity for me to car pool and start living more green.  Then I thought about how much I enjoy my alone time, which is almost exclusively in the car.  Or sometimes in the bathroom but that is no guarantee.

Then I thought about how my friend Brandon used to live near there and how he is gone now.  Then I thought about my old quintet and I missed late night goof ball rehearsals before competitions. 

There were a couple University people who played on this concert.  I exchanged numbers with the Flute player.  She was nice and she had a very pretty sound.  I think about her like she lives in another world.  A world I used to live in but now it seems so strange and far away.  I am a Mommy now and I can't relate to people who can devote 7 hours to playing flute anymore.  I felt a twinge of regret and longing when that thought hit me.  I wish that I could be the player that used to practice that much.  I felt so much more confident and brave back then.  That's not to say that my playing hasn't grown since I have been out of school.  I think my teaching has helped me to grow and develop in different ways.  But there is no substitute for regular practice.  Regrets, sure but really I would not change anything about my Mommy status.

 

Ara is a diarrhea factory since yesterday.  There is a Mommy perk you all could have gone without hearing about I bet!

Blog or Pensive?

I am sick.

This week has been stressful.

Renee lent me her piccolo, so I won't have to play on the rented student model I currently have.

Ara has been sick for going on 5 days now, she even threw up again on Tuesday at the park.

Joey had spring break this week so I watched him on Tue and Thurs.  He was really good but this week has just felt so crazy.

The crazy week isn't over until next Monday night.

I have completely fallen off the healthy eating wagon and it's no wonder I have no energy.

Rehearsal tomorrow (A's Mom is coming over to watch Ara)

Pic Lesson on Saturday.

Rehearsal on Saturday.

Performance on Saturday.

Easter.

Performance on Monday.

I need to remember to cancel my Saturday students ack, totally spaced that.  I think I might cancel my lesson too.  I really wanted to run that by Kashy but the rehearsal is later than I thought and it's all too much I think.  At this point it will either go well or it won't I think.  There isn't much point to cramming.  Except on the cadenza which I have been ignoring! 

 

I read this poll in my Parents Magazine asking if people thought it was ok to put videos of their children on You Tube.  67% (ish) said no and the quotes from parents were alarming.  They basically were saying that putting your child's images online was inviting weirdo's to target them.  My first reaction was fear, I immediately thought about taking down all personal information and images I have of Ara on my blog.  Then I started thinking, why is it that we fear the internet so much?  If Ara's picture came out in the Newspaper I think my Mother in Law would be thrilled and proud.  But the very idea that I would put her son or granddaughter's images on the internet terrifies her.  Is it because the internet is worldwide?  Is the fear based on sheer numbers of possible views?  If so why should that be something to fear?  I'm not even saying I don't feel the same on some level, because I really really do.  I am just trying to understand it.   Somehow, someone far away seems more menacing than a neighbor.  If I took Ara to a mall, hundreds of people could see her but that isn't scary is it?  If it was... I think I would be blogging about a different topic, right? lol.  The truth is, and when I say this I sound paranoid but the truth is that the people living close to us shouldn't be considered more or less of a threat than people we  can't see and don't know on the internet.  I like blogging because I can speak my mind and be personal but to the general reader I am basically anonymous.  I don't know, I certainly don't want Ara's beautiful pictures to fall into the hands of a freak but on the other hand I love that this is a place to express myself.  All of myself , including my love for my daughter. 

Transformer Phones!~

So I recently replaced my wireless phone and I chose a phone that has video and photo capabilities (and it plays Mp3's but whatever right?).  I am excited to have a phone that can take pictures but at the same time I keep thinking that we expect too much from our phones.  Why does everything have to be multipurpose?  I have an Mp3 player and a digital camera so I felt that having those functions on my phone were more of a novelty than anything else.  Especially since the phone is only the best at being a phone.  My iPod and camera put it to shame in the categories of photos and happy musical playlists.  Soon we will want our TV's to be refrigerators and wouldn't it be nice if my kitchen sink could cook dinner and wash the dishes!  Yeah!  Anyway, sarcasm aside I have really been seeing the convenience in the camera phone.  Being the geek mother that I am I usually do carry my camera but there have already been several times when something photo worthy was happening and the phone was much closer at hand than the camera.  So I am convinced.  All tiny electronic devices should have many purposes! 

 

P.S. If someone could tell me an easier way to get the pictures from the phone to my computer that would be great, thanks!

Fairy Princess

I put on my solo dress today and asked Ara if she thought I looked pretty. She nodded and said that I looked like a princess! My eyes welled up and I gave her sniffy kisses all over her face!

Then I performed my concerto for her.

Half way through the piece she yelled, "Momma stop playing picc-low NOW... pweeze".

Lol.

My new practice technique is to run out of the room playing whenever a high note passage is coming so that I only ruin my own hearing. I will be going to the UA to practice again tonight and I have earplugs this time so I feel sorry for all of the people who will be within earshot of me. I hope I find a practice room door open again!

My Stress-Out List

• Concerto!!!
• memorization
• accompaniment
• dress
• child care during the MANY rehearsals
• I need a place to practice where I can blast the high notes!
• Car registration (it is still smoking so I doubt it is going to pass)
• Car accident today
• Quintet rehearsal and music right smack in stress week
• Jury Duty

Solo

I had to make a list of all the things stressing me out right now because I feel like if I write them down maybe they will be easier to handle.  I used to carry around this stress about performances when I was in school, I thought I had outgrown it but here it is and here I am.  I think it is due in large part to the fact that this is a piccolo concerto and I have never soloed on pic, let alone on my sad little Artley that has been in need of repair for years.  I have found that I am very reluctant to have any of my instruments repaired.  I know that is strange, and don't tell my students because I regularly lecture them on this very subject.  I guess I am superstitious and/or lazy.  I don't want anyone messing up my instruments.  How is that possible since there is actually tape holding together my foot joint?  Don't look for logic here, there is none.  Now that I have typed that out I see how stupid I am being and I will make an attempt to track down someone who can do the work.  I already know I am going to be half hearted about it lol.  I am secretly hoping someone will save me and lend me their awesome piccolo for the performance and that I will magically be comfortable on it.  Let's leave that topic alone, I stress myself out!

 

I talked to my old professor today and he is going to see me in a week or so when he gets back into town.    I think having his blessing will help my confidence.  Although if he is horrified with my playing, that will not help lol!

I bought a dress last week at Ross!  I recently discovered I love that store lol.  So, I found this dress that I loved and it was $25 which is a fraction of the other dresses I have been looking at and I loved it for a week.  Now, I'm not sure.  I need to find some sort of little shawl thing to wear with it and that seems hard.  Also it isn't floor length it's mid calf which makes me feel less fancy than most of the soloist I can remember.  I don't know.  We will see how I feel next week.

 

Car Accident

Ara and I were rear ended today as we made our way home from a long list of errands.  We were approaching the railroad crossing when the lights suddenly started flashing.  The road approaches the crossing from under an highway overpass so I had no warning visually that a train was even coming.  I had to stop suddenly and BAM the car behind me slams into us and pushes the car ominously close to the tracks.  I try to reverse but I have no room and I am gesturing wildly to the car that hit us to back up as the mechanical arm slowly descends onto the roof of our car.  I don't even have to turn my head to know that  a train is racing towards us, the nose of the car is still too close to the tracks.  At this point I am in reverse and I am prepared to move the car behind me with force if she doesn't wise up!  She inches backwards and Ara and get to watch a train wizzing by close up.  The force of the wind rocks the car, the sound is deafening, I am shaking and asking Ara over and over if she is ok.  She on the other hand is thrilled to be so close to a train. 

I have always held people who get hit by trains in contept.  I would always say, "how can you NOT see a train is coming?"  Now I know and I am truly sorry. 

My back, neck, and abdomen hurt but Ara seems completely unaffected.  I am having trouble letting go of all the "what ifs" though and I am back to cringing every time I watch a car approach in the rear view mirror. 

 

Jury Duty

I can't believe they are sticking me with jury duty AGAIN!  I have never known someone who gets called as often as I do.  I think there is some lazy government clerk out there who keeps choosing me because my last name starts with an A!  He is too lazy to turn to the next page when he "randomly" picks people (notice in my scenario the incompetent is male).  I am going to actually try to get out of it this time, I never have in the past but I have Ara and I cannot be on some jury for a week.  Besides, I have small faith in our 'system' anyway.  Sorry punks that is how I roll.  I freely criticize and do nothing towards correcting.  Bite me.

 

I can't find a comfortable way to sit or lay, my back is crack-y.

Pictures with very few Words!

Ara and her reflection as she gazes at the lion enclosure at the zoo.


...

A day at the park! Ara has no fear and can go down even the tallest slides without any help!

Ara Mp3

purplecar.mp3

I have been recording Ara talking while she sits at the table doing art.

I left the door open because it was such a lovely evening and all three of us were in the kitchen. Ara looked out the door where she could see our car sitting there and she said, "the purple car is sad". I think maybe because the car was outside and we were all inside, either way I just thought it was adorable.

What mothers are really worth?

Every weekend A and I have the same problem, he feels like his days off should be more relaxing and I feel like I never get days off.  Yesterday we had a short argument.  I was mad because he is always conveniently missing when diapers need to be changed, nap time is approaching, meals need to be prepared, or Ara needs a bath.  In fact I would say he has given her a bath on his own probably twice in the past year.  That is not to say that he hasn't sometimes helped wash her hair or watched her while I ran to get something.  This is the norm though, I am in charge of all of Ara's basic needs all the time.  I basically run every single aspect of our lives.  I can't say I don't empathize with him when he has had a hard week, like he had last week and he wants some R&R time.  Of course I understand I want some down time too!  I have on several occasions noticed he looked tired and short tempered and offered to take Ara on outings to give him time to himself.  The weekend before last I took her to my Dad's while I taught and then spent the day there.  Alex had more than 8 hours of alone time.  I can't even explain what I would give to have eight whole hours to myself. 

I love that I am raising my daughter.  I love that Ara smiles when I say she is in Mommy school.  I know that everyday I spend with her I am making a difference. 

These are important things to know.  I have in the past struggled with our decision to keep her out of daycare.  I have struggled with my own feelings of self worth.  This is probably something that every person goes through.

Being a first time Mom I still feel like I am in the Novice levels and there are a lot of aspects of stay at home Mom-ing that surprise me.  Not the least of which is a significant number of people I interact with (including my Mother-in-law) give me the impression that they think I do nothing all day.  Perhaps raising children is a mystery to parents who have not done it 24/7.  How could the booming childcare industry get away with charging parents over $100 a day if this were an easy job?  That's right, $110 for 6-8 hours of childcare.  I am on call 24 hours a day.  I am only physically apart from Ara for 4 hours on Saturday while I work.  I don't get sick days, vacation days, or overtime pay.  

I don't mean to sound like this isn't my choice and that I don't feel lucky to have this opportunity.  I also don't care if those people give me condescending looks when they ask what I did all day.  What I want is some effort and appreciation on A's part for the role I play in our family.  During our argument yesterday day he pointed out that we ate dinner out a lot last week and that he felt that was giving me a break.  I pointed out that he left work at 5 pm and asked him when he felt my job ended?  It's nice to eat out and not have to worry about cooking and cleaning but why is that my sole responsibility?  Didn't I put in my 8 hours of work the same as him?  Didn't I already prepare and clean up after 2 meals during the day?  The world needs to get wise.  Mother's work damn hard and we are the toughest most passionate people around.  I should have the final say in all things including but not limited to physical pain (hello drug free birth), emotional pain, love, sleep derivation, frustration, and joy. 

I looked up Stay-at-Home parent on salary.com to see what my current market value is the following is a quote:

"Based on a 90-hour work week, Salary.com has estimated that a fair wage for the typical stay-at-home mom would be well over $90,000 for executing all of her daily tasks. Factor in overtime, and the appropriate salary takes a leap of around $25,000."

I have vented and I feel a bit better.  After our argument I felt frustrated and impotent.  I stay at home and in the eyes of society at large and A that is something small and insignificant.  But, in the eyes of my daughter that is everything.

A Sunday Afternoon~

Library

Story time:  Every Thursday Ara and I head to the library for Toddler Storytime.  The conference room is usually packed full with 2-3 year olds and their grown-ups.  The grown-ups are mostly Mom's but there is always a smattering of Dads and Grandparents.  We all sit on the floor and enjoy a half hour of singing, dancing, and yes even a few stories.  Ara still has a very hard time sitting still.  You can see she is bursting with excitement and anticipation of her favorite songs and sitting still is almost more than she can take.  As adorable as I think this is I worry that I am not teaching her how to behave in certain situations.  When I say that I feel like such a prude.  Why shouldn't a 2 year old be boisterous and bouncy when in a room of her tiny peers?  It seems natural.  I hate that I always have to be the advocate for conforming!  I am like the borg (nerdy trekie reference sorry).  I feel self conscious about it because I look around at a the majority of kids sitting on the grown-ups laps looking quite content.  What is expected of me?  Should I force Ara to sit with me while she squirms and screams?  Is the fact that she squirms and screams a sign that I have already failed to show her how to act?  One of the teachers at the parent class told me that I need to tell Ara that "we" sit still at storytime and if "we " can't then we should go.  I tried that, the problem is that she is half way across the room before I have finished the sentence.  So I tried prepping her ahead of time.  The day before, the morning of, in the car on the way.  It boils down to the one unavoidable truth: it's my fault!  For every undesirable behavior your little angel exhibits you share the blame.  What could I have done to prevent this?  What should I do in the future?  How can I help her to understand?  My problem is that I also struggle with the "why" I have to stop her from being her.  I love that she is creative, spontaneous, enthusiastic, and out going.  I don't want to take that out of her.  I also don't want her to miss out on an important lesson that would help her in the future.  Maybe I missed an important lesson when I was growing up.. I seem to lack the ability to make up my mind!  I want what is best for Ara and overall I feel good about taking her to these things and I feel good about the progress she is making.  She talks about her friends at the library with a huge smile and that makes me feel like a good mom!

Making-ed a snow man!

Ara has been on a mission to prove to us that our baby proofing efforts no long apply to her! 

In her room she has a dresser for her clothes and a second plastic dresser for pajamas and diaper changing supplies.  Last week I put her down for a nap and after about a half hour of silence I hear her adorable little voice singing songs.  She does that sometimes to fall back asleep so I wasn't concerned I let her sing thinking she would be a sleeping angel again in no time.  I was wrong so very wrong.  She did quiet down, but instead of sleeping like I assumed, she was exploring her room in the dark. 

She called out to me about an hour later and as I opened the door I was surprised to find her standing there.  I reached out to her before turning on the light and when I touched her hair I recoiled!  I flipped the light switch and saw a strange sight.  I said, "Ara, what is this all over you?".  Then I looked into the room... the first thing I noticed was the pile of cotton balls on her bed.  Then the pile of wipes next to her bed.  Then the diaper drawer standing open with a smattering of diapers around it.  Finally I noticed the diaper cream tube at the center of a very gooey white mess.  I looked back down at Ara and she smiled. 

She looked proudly at her work and told me, "Making-ed a snow man!". 

She was absolutely covered in diaper cream, her hair was stiff and sticking straight up, her arms were white, even the inside of her nostrils!  I guided her to the kitchen sink where I started to undress her, all the while trying (unsuccessfully) to not become covered in white myself.  When I pulled down her diaper I discovered that it was full of poop and that the containment barrier had broken!  So there I am, my shirt covered in diaper cream, my hands smeared with poop.  My daughter is in an even worse state and I just had to laugh a little.  What amazing havoc a small person can cause. 

I washed her hair 5 times, it still felt all stiff and weird and smelled very strange.  She complained loudly while I cleaned it out of her ears and nose.  The cream itself refuses to come out of her clothes and the smell is probably permanent in her bedroom carpet. 

My only regret is that I didn't take a picture.

And, yes we did remove all diaper related items from her room!

She also recently discovered that toy boxes can be emptied, turned over, and used as ladders to reach things up high. 

She can climb anything but she especially likes to climb all of the ladders (otherwise know as bookshelves) around the house.

She can open doors now.

She can reach all of the old places we use to put things she shouldn't have!  So now those things are so high even I can't reach them half the time!

The list goes on and on.  Sometimes I long for the pre-crawling days where she would stay right where you put her!  Mostly, though I am in awe at her development and although I try not to show it, I am amused by her catastrophes.

Don't Hate my French Fries!

Grocery List (boring huh?)

Dairy milk eggs x2 cheddar cheese (shredded) heavy cream swiss cheese cream cheese mozzarella	Deli lunch meat provolone ham	Bread croissant
Meat frozen chicken ground beef wafer thin beef steaks (philly gormet) breakfast sausage bacon	Drink/Snack sugar free jello salsa gatoraid	Sauce/Spice tartar sauce oldbay seasoning onion powder dry onions taco seasoning soup packet lowcarb italian dressing can green chillies
Vegetables onion mushrooms (sliced) baby spinach grape tomatoes avacado celery green onion red and green bell peppers roma tomatoes iceburg lettuce	Frozen chopped broccoli	Misc Chips for lunches

Bed Head

Ara's bed broke! The wooden part that holds the mattress cracked. So for the past two days we have been prowling websites looking at reviews, prices, and availability of toddler beds. We considered a twin bed but it's a big change and a big investment. The toddler bed makes sense because she can use it for a few years still and we can continue to use the mattress from her crib.

We ended up deciding on a bed available at Walmart.. so we went there tonight to find that our Walmart has only a fraction of the beds we saw online. We got one of two models they had in stock. Not our first choice but acceptable. Ara chose a new blanket and sheet set (Dora the Explorer) and she seems excited about the idea of a "big girl bed".

I just hope she sleeps in it!

(I think it's going to be soo cute)


On an unrelated note I think I'm dying.

I have been having massive headaches and the back of my head is actually sore to the touch. As if I hit it on something.. but I didn't! Also my left eyebrow has been twitching for probably 5 days and it is really starting to freak me out. What could that be?!

Funny

This and That

Ara has been into grouping things together. She lines up all her trains or animals in a neat little line with such concentration. She likes to talk about things that go together like; cars and trucks, Joejoe and Auntie Em, Hugs and kisses.

So the other day she is sitting with us and she says, "Momma and Daddy".

We exclaim happily at her observation.

The she says, "Like peepee and poopoo".

Nice comparison lol.

Love my Nano!

I am enjoying my new Nano so much! I have been mostly watching Digg nation podcasts but since my old one was missing for so long it's even great just to HAVE my music with me. A bought me one of those iPOD docks with speakers and it's so easy just to pop it in there. Music makes every task seem more fun and it just puts me in a good mood. Ara and I have enjoyed many crazy dance parties in the kitchen since the pod and the dock came to our house!

Cute Video Blog

I searched "harry potter" on You Tube and this video blog came up. I thought she was funny and cute so I spent part of the morning with the laptop on the counter playing her stuff while I cleaned up and made lunch. Her name is Natalie (I think) and she is from Australia :D I've always wanted to do something like that.. it looks like fun!

Return Karma

I have a new super cute blue/green Nano! My Dad, Brother, Sister, and Grandma all pitched in and bought me an 8 gig adorable iPod. I was so happy about finding my old one and so you wouldn't think I would be THIS excited about the new one, but I am! Woo hoo. It's so pretty and shiny and small.... and it plays video. Plus the screen is a lot bigger than I thought it would be. It's much larger than the old Nano.

My Sister just had her shuffle stolen along with her jacket at work.. so I gave her my old (but still loved) Nano. Everyone was happy.

The end.

Just kidding! My Grandma took us all out to dinner and it was a lovely Birthday!~

A is taking me tonight to get new clothes and a new iPod case.

I felt loved and special. It was a good Birthday.

Christmas Pictures

birthday eve

So today is the eve of my birthday and.. coincidentally the eve of a new calendar year. Double whammy for me with the whole starting over/resolution thing. I usually don't like making resolutions, because I hate to start a year with unrealistic expectations and then have the beginning marred with disappointment. Hi, I'm pessimistic and why is my glass always half empty? This year, however I feel resolution-ie! I've been compiling a pretty impressive list in my notebook. Really though how can a list of resolutions compete with the other list of... what I want for my birthday! Hehe.

Wish List:
I want world peace.
I want a new phase for Ara so we can stop with the "no-want-um" attitude!
I want the world to promise to be kind to my baby girl.
I want one of those pedometer watches that shows how fast and far you are going and how many calories you have burned!
I want carbs to be good for you.

Oh oh oh.. yesterday my good return karma kicked in. I had just started to accept that I really had lost my iPod forever since it had been gone since before Christmas. Then I was packing up my flute bag after practicing and I noticed there was something inside the zipper pocket. BAM it's my pretty pod! A looked a little disappointed when I came bouncing into the room with it, he says he had planned to buy me a new iPod for my birthday which is super sweet!

Through a Haze of Cold and Tiredness.

I'm starting to really freak out about how little I am practicing for my pic concerto. Freak out gogogo!

Ara and I were down in the dumps yesterday all sick and grumpy and tired and did I mention grumpy?

So yesterday morning, probably around 10 am I notice my phone is saying I have a voice mail. It's A's Brother in law saying that we are all having dinner tomorrow night at 5:30pm at blahblah restaurant. I knew the 27th was her birthday but I just assumed they picked Friday to do dinner. Wrong. 5:15pm rolls around and we are all in the car headed home and we get a call from A's Mom... who is at the restaurant. We have a fight because A is annoyed that I misunderstood the message and I am annoyed that he has the audacity to be annoyed with me for that (plus I'm sick and generally annoyed at anything in my path). I was dressed particularly bummy and my hair was a mess, and I was like... "no way am I going into a nice place looking like this!" The whole time this is happening Ara is like having a melt down fit in the back seat, which makes for a really nice calming ambiance lol. In my head I'm thinking about how A chose to go to his Mom's for Christmas instead of coming with Ara and me to my Dad's like we had planned (this was after his sister's morning thing with all of his family). I was pretty pissed about that and dropping him off at a restaurant with grumpy screaming Ara is feeling like a pretty good plan to me. As I watched him trying to clean her face with a wipey I started to melt a little. Sure, I felt like he bailed on Christmas but they might need me since baby girl was so cranky. Plus, his Mom would probably hold it against me for the rest of my life. So, I brushed my hair and threw on a headband put on my jacket and went inside. While we were sitting at the table I wished I could sink into the floor. I had visions of pulling my jacket over my head and slumping down in my chair. The restaurant was called Zona, and it reeked of something stinky and fishy. All the waitresses had their hair in the "don't I look cute with my super messy pony-tail" and kind of made me thing of like.. I don't know some sort of softball team or something. Ara was quiet and clingy and sweet. She didn't eat a thing. The food was good and brother-in-law's parents found a root in their salad so they got their meals for free. I'm really tired.. I planned on going to bed an hour ago and I've already forgotten where I was going with this story.

A Pile of Presents

Christmas was exhausting!

Ara got a bazillion presents including a new wardrobe and trains of every size.

We did our usual family musical chairs, it is so tiring having parents that are not together. I saw my Mom, we took showers at A's Mom's, then we saw A's dad at his sisters house.. then we hauled ass to my Dad's to cook dinner (since our water was still off, a whole separate issue) and this was just Christmas eve! Our water pipes have broken on the roof 3 times this week alone. We have gone a total of 6 days without water.. which is annoying to say the least. I don't pretend to know anything about pipes or plumbing.. but I think I know enough to say.. our land lord sucks. Well we have water now, and we are catching up on all the lost sleep!

The end.

A Fishy Night.

Update:
My Grandma is in town from California. This makes me happy.
Christmas shopping is done.
Tomorrow is clean/laundry for the holiday. This makes me tired.
I'm a sicky. Achy, low fever, grumpy, and tired.
I had dinner with Megan on Monday.
I've been watching the Christmas episodes of Friends from my DVD's.


Ara Update:
Ara jumped in her first jumping castle with the big kids!
She says it was a "little scary".
She might be getting sick too.


So last week we had Ara spend a night over at my Dad's so that A and I could have a night alone to relax before he went back to work. We had dinner at Chilli's and then watched the latest Borne movie with all our favorite movie time snacks. It was really nice but it felt like time flew by and before we knew it we were picking Ara up the next morning. She had caused some havoc and everyone looked exhausted. Apparently in the middle of the night she slipped out of bed and found the "Mommy backpack (or packpack as Ara calls it). She rummaged around until she found a packet of instant oatmeal I had packed for her breakfast. She then crawled into Papa's bed and covered him in oatmeal while he slept. He woke up feeling something wasn't right and then was surprised to find his face covered in dry oatmeal. He coaxed her back to bed and promptly fell asleep. Ara wasn't sleepy yet though.. and I'm guessing she felt that she needed some moisturizing because her next exploration trip took her to the bathroom, where you guessed it.. she found the scented lotion. Once again she climbed in bed with Papa where she coated herself in lotion. Her hair, face, pajamas, and of course her hands. My Dad awoke again and reach out in the darkness when he touched Ara he pulled his hand back. He says when he touched something cold and slimy he thought he had touched a fish or something. I chuckle a little about that lol. At least it was lotion she had in his bed and not a slimy fish from the refrigerator I guess. With a 2 year old it is always best to consider how much worse a situation could be and then try to be thankful instead of irritated!

Sweet.

A friend suggested these to me.. the first made me cry and the second made me smile.

Birdie can Fly

Ara's birdie helped her to fly to the top of a play place and he even helped her down the long tunnel slide. It was adorable and I felt so proud. She also saw some kids eating ice cream and she looked confused. She asked me, "yukky?" because we always try to look un-happy whenever she sees us eating it lol.

The next time we let her loose in a play place, she played the "I'm in here you can't get me" card. I gave her the 5 minute warning as usual, then went I asked her to come out she gave me a little grin and climbed higher. Oh the power struggle that in sued. I tried using "authoritative Mom voice" but she knew she had the upper hand. So.. I had to climb inside the plastic tunnels, all the while feeling so self conscience about the view of my butt I was giving the restaurant. I will think twice about the next time I let her loose in one of those!

Ara knows the entire first verse of Jingle Bells now and she sings it whenever we pass Christmas lights. She is so festive! We are going to get our tree tonight hopefully... it sucks that it has been raining the past few days. It's cold, wet, and muddy. I usually LOVE rain in the desert but after a few days without sunshine I start to jones for some sun.

A taught Ara about names and she says my name so cute.. I squeal every time she says it. I know this will probably back fire on me and she will stop calling me Momma lol.

I feel lazy today.. it's raining and the house is cold. I don't want to stay here and clean for my student. I want to go somewhere.. like a craft store and buy things.

Blue

I had a really hard day yesterday with Ara. She is really testing her limits, I feel like every time I turn around she is doing something she knows she shouldn't. The part that is really getting to me though is the hitting. We are kind of at our wits end with her hitting and kicking. Time out seems completely ineffective, she can escape from the play pin, putting her in a chair results in more hitting, and sending her to her room full of toys is well.. that's obvious. We talk about how in our family we use words to express ourselves not hitting. I ask her "Do we hit in our family?" and she says, "nooooo" but the words mean nothing to her. My best/only tactic at the moment is walking away and letting her flail alone (in a safe place obviously). You wouldn't think that a little 2 year old could even hurt me but she can! She kicks me in the boobs when I change her diaper, and 2 days ago she hit me in the jaw with her head so hard I tasted blood. So she hits.. and if she hurts me and gets a reaction she will laugh. I know.. that she is in a stage where distinguishing between people and inanimate objects is hard, but it is still disheartening. I don't understand.. we don't hit her, we don't spank, we don't even yell. She has no siblings or preschool kids to set a bad example so where did she learn the hitting? She acts on impulse which is completely age appropriate so the question is; how do we teach her consequences?

Today wasn't so bad, I took her to a play group at the library and she had a great time and has even made progress with participating in (frustrating) circle time. I feel tired though.. and a little bummed.

On a different note: A was telling me he wants to get new Christmas lights. I love any sentence with "new" and "Christmas" in it. He was reading that these new LCD lights are safer and more energy efficient. I think it is SOOOO cute that he is doing Christmas safety research. I also have to get a new fake tree because putting lights on an aluminum tree is dangerous. It makes perfect sense but it never occurred to me! Plus Ara destroyed the tree anyway. She likes cause and effect. "

What will happen if I knock over the tree.
Oh, it falls over.

What will happen if I turn over this bowl of cereal?
Oh, everything falls out and Momma looks exasperated. (cool)

What will happen if I fill my mouth with water and spit it?
It shoots everywhere! (awesome)

She is a little scientist.