Through a Haze of Cold and Tiredness.

I'm starting to really freak out about how little I am practicing for my pic concerto. Freak out gogogo!

Ara and I were down in the dumps yesterday all sick and grumpy and tired and did I mention grumpy?

So yesterday morning, probably around 10 am I notice my phone is saying I have a voice mail. It's A's Brother in law saying that we are all having dinner tomorrow night at 5:30pm at blahblah restaurant. I knew the 27th was her birthday but I just assumed they picked Friday to do dinner. Wrong. 5:15pm rolls around and we are all in the car headed home and we get a call from A's Mom... who is at the restaurant. We have a fight because A is annoyed that I misunderstood the message and I am annoyed that he has the audacity to be annoyed with me for that (plus I'm sick and generally annoyed at anything in my path). I was dressed particularly bummy and my hair was a mess, and I was like... "no way am I going into a nice place looking like this!" The whole time this is happening Ara is like having a melt down fit in the back seat, which makes for a really nice calming ambiance lol. In my head I'm thinking about how A chose to go to his Mom's for Christmas instead of coming with Ara and me to my Dad's like we had planned (this was after his sister's morning thing with all of his family). I was pretty pissed about that and dropping him off at a restaurant with grumpy screaming Ara is feeling like a pretty good plan to me. As I watched him trying to clean her face with a wipey I started to melt a little. Sure, I felt like he bailed on Christmas but they might need me since baby girl was so cranky. Plus, his Mom would probably hold it against me for the rest of my life. So, I brushed my hair and threw on a headband put on my jacket and went inside. While we were sitting at the table I wished I could sink into the floor. I had visions of pulling my jacket over my head and slumping down in my chair. The restaurant was called Zona, and it reeked of something stinky and fishy. All the waitresses had their hair in the "don't I look cute with my super messy pony-tail" and kind of made me thing of like.. I don't know some sort of softball team or something. Ara was quiet and clingy and sweet. She didn't eat a thing. The food was good and brother-in-law's parents found a root in their salad so they got their meals for free. I'm really tired.. I planned on going to bed an hour ago and I've already forgotten where I was going with this story.

A Pile of Presents

Christmas was exhausting!

Ara got a bazillion presents including a new wardrobe and trains of every size.

We did our usual family musical chairs, it is so tiring having parents that are not together. I saw my Mom, we took showers at A's Mom's, then we saw A's dad at his sisters house.. then we hauled ass to my Dad's to cook dinner (since our water was still off, a whole separate issue) and this was just Christmas eve! Our water pipes have broken on the roof 3 times this week alone. We have gone a total of 6 days without water.. which is annoying to say the least. I don't pretend to know anything about pipes or plumbing.. but I think I know enough to say.. our land lord sucks. Well we have water now, and we are catching up on all the lost sleep!

The end.

A Fishy Night.

Update:
My Grandma is in town from California. This makes me happy.
Christmas shopping is done.
Tomorrow is clean/laundry for the holiday. This makes me tired.
I'm a sicky. Achy, low fever, grumpy, and tired.
I had dinner with Megan on Monday.
I've been watching the Christmas episodes of Friends from my DVD's.


Ara Update:
Ara jumped in her first jumping castle with the big kids!
She says it was a "little scary".
She might be getting sick too.


So last week we had Ara spend a night over at my Dad's so that A and I could have a night alone to relax before he went back to work. We had dinner at Chilli's and then watched the latest Borne movie with all our favorite movie time snacks. It was really nice but it felt like time flew by and before we knew it we were picking Ara up the next morning. She had caused some havoc and everyone looked exhausted. Apparently in the middle of the night she slipped out of bed and found the "Mommy backpack (or packpack as Ara calls it). She rummaged around until she found a packet of instant oatmeal I had packed for her breakfast. She then crawled into Papa's bed and covered him in oatmeal while he slept. He woke up feeling something wasn't right and then was surprised to find his face covered in dry oatmeal. He coaxed her back to bed and promptly fell asleep. Ara wasn't sleepy yet though.. and I'm guessing she felt that she needed some moisturizing because her next exploration trip took her to the bathroom, where you guessed it.. she found the scented lotion. Once again she climbed in bed with Papa where she coated herself in lotion. Her hair, face, pajamas, and of course her hands. My Dad awoke again and reach out in the darkness when he touched Ara he pulled his hand back. He says when he touched something cold and slimy he thought he had touched a fish or something. I chuckle a little about that lol. At least it was lotion she had in his bed and not a slimy fish from the refrigerator I guess. With a 2 year old it is always best to consider how much worse a situation could be and then try to be thankful instead of irritated!

Sweet.

A friend suggested these to me.. the first made me cry and the second made me smile.

Birdie can Fly

Ara's birdie helped her to fly to the top of a play place and he even helped her down the long tunnel slide. It was adorable and I felt so proud. She also saw some kids eating ice cream and she looked confused. She asked me, "yukky?" because we always try to look un-happy whenever she sees us eating it lol.

The next time we let her loose in a play place, she played the "I'm in here you can't get me" card. I gave her the 5 minute warning as usual, then went I asked her to come out she gave me a little grin and climbed higher. Oh the power struggle that in sued. I tried using "authoritative Mom voice" but she knew she had the upper hand. So.. I had to climb inside the plastic tunnels, all the while feeling so self conscience about the view of my butt I was giving the restaurant. I will think twice about the next time I let her loose in one of those!

Ara knows the entire first verse of Jingle Bells now and she sings it whenever we pass Christmas lights. She is so festive! We are going to get our tree tonight hopefully... it sucks that it has been raining the past few days. It's cold, wet, and muddy. I usually LOVE rain in the desert but after a few days without sunshine I start to jones for some sun.

A taught Ara about names and she says my name so cute.. I squeal every time she says it. I know this will probably back fire on me and she will stop calling me Momma lol.

I feel lazy today.. it's raining and the house is cold. I don't want to stay here and clean for my student. I want to go somewhere.. like a craft store and buy things.

Blue

I had a really hard day yesterday with Ara. She is really testing her limits, I feel like every time I turn around she is doing something she knows she shouldn't. The part that is really getting to me though is the hitting. We are kind of at our wits end with her hitting and kicking. Time out seems completely ineffective, she can escape from the play pin, putting her in a chair results in more hitting, and sending her to her room full of toys is well.. that's obvious. We talk about how in our family we use words to express ourselves not hitting. I ask her "Do we hit in our family?" and she says, "nooooo" but the words mean nothing to her. My best/only tactic at the moment is walking away and letting her flail alone (in a safe place obviously). You wouldn't think that a little 2 year old could even hurt me but she can! She kicks me in the boobs when I change her diaper, and 2 days ago she hit me in the jaw with her head so hard I tasted blood. So she hits.. and if she hurts me and gets a reaction she will laugh. I know.. that she is in a stage where distinguishing between people and inanimate objects is hard, but it is still disheartening. I don't understand.. we don't hit her, we don't spank, we don't even yell. She has no siblings or preschool kids to set a bad example so where did she learn the hitting? She acts on impulse which is completely age appropriate so the question is; how do we teach her consequences?

Today wasn't so bad, I took her to a play group at the library and she had a great time and has even made progress with participating in (frustrating) circle time. I feel tired though.. and a little bummed.

On a different note: A was telling me he wants to get new Christmas lights. I love any sentence with "new" and "Christmas" in it. He was reading that these new LCD lights are safer and more energy efficient. I think it is SOOOO cute that he is doing Christmas safety research. I also have to get a new fake tree because putting lights on an aluminum tree is dangerous. It makes perfect sense but it never occurred to me! Plus Ara destroyed the tree anyway. She likes cause and effect. "

What will happen if I knock over the tree.
Oh, it falls over.

What will happen if I turn over this bowl of cereal?
Oh, everything falls out and Momma looks exasperated. (cool)

What will happen if I fill my mouth with water and spit it?
It shoots everywhere! (awesome)

She is a little scientist.

Jingle Bells!

Yesterday I got out the box of awesomeness (Christmas decorations). It's my tradition to put up this little silver tree right after Thanksgiving since I was in school and couldn't afford a real one. We will get a real tree in December sometime but I just LOVE to put on music and dig through this box and this year I got to involve Ara in my happy time. She is a little Christmas fairy full of enthusiasm and joy! She mimics me and cheers for Christmas every time we see a display in the stores and after the little tree went up she stood there touching the decorations and calling it beautiful. The tree itself used to be my Grandmother's when she was a girl because she had allergies to real trees (so sad) and I guess this is what artificial trees looked like back in the stone ages. I love this tree though. It is supposed to be taller but it's missing most of the base, it just looks like a little firework explosion to me and I love it ( I mentioned that already didn't I?).

It's funny how being a parent makes you feel older and places a whole different set of worries and cares on your shoulders... but at the same time you feel more like a kid than you have since you were a kid. I spent the day chasing birds, playing in the sand, skipping in the grass, and for lunch I had half a Lunchable. Ara and I had a great day at this little secret park we found. Well.. by secret I mean it had no freaky lurkers and no unleashed dogs. It did have a BUNCH of moms' and kids' around Ara's age. I think it must be a play group, I get e-mails from this group sometimes but it costs $80 to join and I never stick to social things so I don't pay. The cool thing is that it doesn't cost a thing to show up at the park and have Ara play with their kids!

Scooter

Scooter and Fuzzy... adorable and sweet!

Blah blah

Doing laundry at my Dad's house today and when the load in the dryer is done we will head home to clean. The house is an utter disaster after having all of us home since Wednesday. Ara and I just came in from playing the backyard. I played fetch with the old old family dog; Scooter. He is completely deaf now but he still has it when it comes to playing fetch! He is a mix of cocker spaniel and poodle and he has always been such a good dog. I hope there will be another dog in the world as sweet as Scooter when we are ready to get Ara a dog. Ara had me pick 3 grapefruits and a lemon and she is happily playing with her Momma, Daddy, Papa, and baby fruits lol. So cute.


Hmmm I was going to post some pictures but my free Flickr account has run out of space until I pay them a yearly fee for more. So sad. I think I will pay, I mean I like the convenience of uploading for prints and it's so compatible with my blogger engine.

I need to get back on track with my diet and exercise. I have to play a solo with my orchestra in a few months and I don't want to feel self conscience about my weight when I'm up there. The Piccolo Concerto is scary enough considering piccolo is not my main instrument and my actual piccolo is past it's prime. It's funny I don't even want to practice.. the piece really utilizes the upper register and anyone who has ever been in the same room as a pic in the high register knows.. it's just wrong! I used to hand out ear plugs and apologies when I played pic in orchestra. There is nothing like working so hard.. and pouring your heart into playing something.. that makes people cringe.

...

Bug or Windshield... why not both?

*Warning: this blog started off as a light hearted entry about Christmas shopping and went down hill from there. Be warned that with each new paragraph I get more and more emo.*

My Christmas presents have come early this year and I have been spoiled! I inherited A's old monitor when he got a new one for Father's Day and I've been complaining ever since! I like to do graphics and the old monitor was very dim and had a little shake to it. So... for an early Christmas present I got to go to Comp USA and pick out my new and beautiful flat/wide screen Samsung (I don't know all the "terms" to describe it). It's very pretty! I also got a season of my secret-favorite-show-that-everyone-makes-fun-of-me for; Gilmore Girls (on sale at Target on black Friday for $14 originally $44). I got a Christmas movie, the Polar Express (I love Christmas movies!). Then last night I got the (newish) Tomb Raider game. I used to love Tomb Raider, although I could never play the scary levels alone because I would jump at every noise. The new game plus the new monitor made me very happy until I realized that the way the game views swing around was making me nauseous! I mean seriously like amagod I need a pregnancy test kind of nauseous. Have to say, relieved it was the game lol! The game is fun though, it's sort of a mystery, puzzle, shoot some stuff kind of game, a far cry from the online games we usually play. Ara will be making out like a little bandit this year too.. actually who am I kidding.. "this year" pshhh as if she won't have a whole new wardrobe and toy box filled by the end of the holiday! We got her an electronic keyboard last night and she loooooves it, she played with it in the cart and then after we got home. I am hoping once I wrap it she will suddenly forget that she has already seen it! We also got her favorite train in the special wooden model (James), and Thomas the Train bath toys that squirt (I will pay for this once I'm sure). While we were in the Walmart toy section discussing her "big present" she looked up at those giant battery cars that kids can drive in and squealed with delight. She may be small.. but she knows what is expensive and ridiculous! I'm sorry but I don't want her to be one of "those" kids with $300 toys sitting in he backyard forgotten and ill used. I simply must draw the line at $200, wait... that makes me better than the other parents right? No? Well just let me think so! Anyway... I was thinking of a basket ball hoop for the patio or maybe one of those play kitchens.. Yeah I just heard myself and I DO realize I am not better. She still isn't getting the car! I got presents for my brother and sister but I still have a lot of shopping to do, I meant to have everything ordered while the post-Thanksgiving sales were still happening.. but I had the "I wants" apparently. *hangs head in shame*. I am so excited it is Christmas time.. I have been feeling a little blue and the idea of lights and trees and presents makes me feel optimistic. A and I have been fighting a lot but I actually prefer that to the strained silence. He has been really trying to express what he is thinking and feeling which is a big help to me. I have been feeling like he expects me to read his mind and let's face it.. I am not the best at "noticing stuff"! I think we both feel like we have something worth working on and it's nice to know we are on the same page.

Today I am watching my nephew and that means I had to wake up at 6 am /whine. I meant to do laundry while I was here but I forgot to bring the clothes! I blame lack of sleep. In an hour I think I will go get the clothes and take them and my lucky nephew to the land of coin operated washing machines. I cannot wait to move into a place with laundry machines... and more space.. with a closet... and a yard... and NO MORE FREAKY NEIGHBORS.

Thanks

Thanksgiving this year was a special event because it was the first time we have ever had it at our house. We have so much family in town that usually holidays' are spent on the road to and from A's family and my family. So this year we decided to start our own traditions and that grand tradition was... ordering our dinner from the deli at our local grocery store! In my head I was picturing them handing me a steaming juicy turkey meal but when we went to pick it up today it was a cold turkey in a bag and a cold box filled with side dishes. I looked at the lady in surprise and asked if I had to like cook it, trying to keep the alarm in my voice at a minimum. Raw gross turkey.. not me! Well it was fully cooked but we had to dust off the old oven and re-heat it for 2 hours, along with the many side dishes. All in all it was about 2.5 hours of prep and the food was pretty good. The only weird part were the mashed potatoes which seem to have been made from rubber potatoes. We had a nice day, Ara had her first Thanksgiving at home and I am happy.

Dreams

I had a stress dream again last night and the night before. They are always the same theme, I am trying to get somewhere but I can't or I'm driving and the brakes don't work. Last night was that I had an unorganized list of students I needed to teach and I couldn't focus on it to figure out when I had to be where. In my dream the night before I was looking at this awesome house we were going to move into. I mean it was crazy, it had a ballroom and the master bedroom had a wall of glass that looked onto the dance floor. I always have awesome architecture in my dreams lol. Well for some reason they wanted me to leave Ara there while I went somewhere and I started to leave and then I realized that I didn't want to leave her there so I tried to go back. No matter how fast I tried to get back to her people kept delaying me and my brakes didn't work. I kept looking at the clock and thinking it was her dinner time. Anyway, I guess the moral of the story is that I am stressed.

Funny diet part of the dream though was when I spilled my candy and when I looked at the table I couldn't tell which was candy and which were cherry tomato's'!

We have a work dinner tonight and I don't have anything to wear. It doesn't matter though, because we are taking Ara and no one looks at the person holding the adorable girl just the cutey!

Toddler Rampage

So this week Ara has changed her nap time ritual from making a cute little blanket nest by the door and sleeping to completely ransacking her room and not sleeping at all. I think it was Wednesday when I heard a weird sound and opened her door. She was dancing on top of a dresser drawer with her curtain rod. Yes, she pulled out her drawers and pulled down the curtains. I realized she was climbing onto her little table to reach the curtains.. once she had light it was free play time. The room was amazing, I mean I have no idea how one little girl could destroy a room so quickly and quietly. She emptied a box of wipes, every dresser drawer and all the clothes inside, all of her toys were out of their boxes, the dirty clothes were everywhere. It looked like some sort of natural disaster. Being the noob Mom that I am this happened twice before I had to take drastic action. On Friday I put her down like usual. I read her two books, put her down, kissed her and said "goodnight sweetie". She looked angelic and sleepy. I closed the door but stayed in the room silent. She hopped up immediately to get out of bed and was so surprised to find me there. It was actually really cute the way she said, "Mama?" like she was happy to see me there for play time. I stood like a silent statue in her room for an hour and a half gently putting her back down every time she got up. She sang, cried, played pretend with her dolls (in the bed), cried some more, tried to get me to laugh.. Eventually though she tired of the game and started to drift off. I slipped out of the room and she was quiet for about 15 minutes and then I heard her again.. out of bed! I only had to go back in once though and she slept in her bed! I was so proud (and tired) of myself! The battle continues everyday but it is getting easier.

Catch-up

It's been a while since I updated...

How many blogs open with that sentence I wonder?

M&M Day has come and gone and I think it's catching on. By now when I say "M&M day" my students, family, and friends all know what I'm talking about. I'll go to explain and get interrupted with "oh yeah M&M day". Megan and I went to Sauce which was, as Ara would say "nummy" and yet another thing I can miss on my low carb lifestyle. Megan is the only person I still have in my life from high school career, both here and in California. Well, besides my cousin who I never see. We talked about relationships, family, jobs... pretty much everything. It was nice to sit outside at a restaurant and have adult conversation. Actually I don't care that it was adult as long as it was conversation!

I took Ara to a pumpkin patch where we actually rode a carriage pulled by horses into a field and picked our own misshapen pumpkins! We also did a corn field maze and ate cold hot dogs that cost too much. It was really nice and I hope to make it a tradition every October.

Halloween was last night and it was a wonderful night. I made Ara's costume (Minnie Mouse) by ironing on circles cut from a tee-shirt onto a little pink skirt. It was cute but she didn't look all that mousie lol. We stopped off at my Dad's to take pictures and then we went to a children's museum. I saw their event advertised as a non-scary Halloween event for preschoolers. Ara has been declaring a lot of things "scary" and I didn't want to take her to a place where there were crowds dressed in scary costumes. The museum was actually really fun. There was an interactive jungle room that had things to climb and build, a room for crafts (ara painted a pumpkin that was a challenge to carry the rest of the night), a plastic food grocery store, a train room (!), shadow room, music room, puppet room.... the list goes on and on. We had a lovely time and I felt so good about taking her there instead of trick or treating.

As as side note, I misspelled every single instance of pumpkin on this page (thank you spell check).

I want to get out my Christmas decorations today... I asked Ara and she seemed to imply that she was pro-anything that makes Mommy smile lol!

One last thing, I've been trying to remember to write this down because I thought it was so cute;

We went out to eat and Ara leaned back in her high chair as this girl was walking by and said, "Hi, sweetie!". I think she is under the impression that is what you say to girls since everyone says it to her!

Oh and every time A and I touch each other, like when I touch his hair in the car or we hug, Ara gets so mad. Yesterday she yelled, "no! bubies!" (which is what her daddy calls her). Is she afraid if we love each other that we don't love her or maybe just that we should be giving her our attention? Or maybe her Daddy is only allowed to love one girl? Not a serious issue, but perplexing all the same.

Bed, Optional

Ara discovered yesterday at nap time that she doesn't have to stay in bed once I put her down. The second I walk out of the room and close the door I can hear her get out of bed. Yesterday she was crying and I went in there a few times. It was more of a tired grumpy cry so I wasn't concerned she was hurt I just didn't think she would sleep if I didn't go back in and put her back in bed. She would look at me through sleepy puffy eyes and say, "no sleep". But then we would hug and I would put her back in bed, gently tuck her in, and walk out of the room hoping she wasn't going to spring right up. After the third of fourth round of this I began to rethink my strategy. Maybe I was giving her the impression that if she got out of bed she would be rewarded with attention and the postponing of the nap time! So I sat listening to her get out of bed and come to the door (which was closed). She complained and called for me. I stayed silent. Eventually I heard the unmistakable sounds of her laying down against the door. The silence after that told me that Ara had decided to take her nap on the floor in front of her door. Interesting. When she woke up I lightly tapped on the door and opened it a crack. She poked her hand through with one of her special blankets (there are 3 now). She proceeded to hand me the blankets, her birdy, and her blanky before she would come out.

Today when I put her down for nap time she got right out of bed again after I left. This time, though she didn't cry or call for me. Seconds later I heard her settling down for her nap on the floor by the door. I guess this is what we are doing now? Hmm. I consulted my books, nothing about your kid sleeping on the floor. For the time being I've decided I will accept the compromise. She isn't in danger of hurting herself and she is sleeping (although the naps are much shorter). My only concern is that it is hard to open the door if I needed to because of her blankets, stuffed animals, and well her. It's actually kind of adorable. She makes a little bed for herself and settles down. A thinks she wants to be able to hear me in case I do something fun while she is sleeping lol.

I've started doing a color, letter and shape of the week so we can focus on familiarity. She is counting up to 10 now, although she leaves out 5 a lot. She can name every animal at the zoo and associate a sound, well for the animals who make good sounds. What sound does a giraffe make anyway? She is adding so many words daily to her vocabulary it is astounding. Today she had gas which she thinks is hilarious so we worked on, "excuse me". "thooos me". We have been doing a lot of art with painting and markers. She is so cute she will ask me to watch her draw an "A" and then draw a perfect little circle. She feels a sense of pride in her art and is always excited to show her Daddy when he gets home from work. She points to it and says, "pretty". Markers suck though. Washable my ass. They wash right out of clothes but the marks on the skin look like serious injuries and stick around for a few baths. I actually banned markers for a long time because of this. I gave them another shot yesterday and I think they are banned again. Finger paint and water colors come out so they are my friends. Ok I'm tired and it's late. I shall stop writing now!

Mommy Chronicles

I went to a blog written by a mom we knew from our childbirth class. I read it from time to time and we tend to run into her and her son fairly often. Well... she is super Mom. I read her blog and I feel small. When it comes to Mom skills I try to keep up to date on my reading materials but really who are the "experts" to tell me how to raise my kid? I get a parent magazine, I download parenting podcasts, I read what to expect, fathering a toddler (it's a good book), and other assorted parenting books. My problem is that I never find the answers to the questions I have, the really stupid no-brainer questions that apparently only I wonder about. After reading the mommy blog I began to wonder if I should be taking to Ara to classes everyday. She takes her son to gymboree, art classes, story time, they walk, they jog, and they play with "friends". Ara and I are just a 2 person team. I am COMPLETELY shy around other mothers at parks, playgroups, and libraries. I don't know why exactly but I have it in my head that they are all more organized, experienced, and all around more "together" than me. An inferiority complex I guess. I brought up the subject of more play dates to A yesterday and he seemed to think that more "kid time" might be good for Ara. So next week I am going to make an effort to go to bed on time, make lunches the night before, and keep up on the laundry (yikes) so that I can take Ara to an activity everyday. At the very least a walk to our local park and hopefully a couple visits to play group, library, and maybe the zoo if we buy a pass.

I'm not sure this entry was entirely cohesive because I wrote it in bits while doing things in between.

~Cheers

Queen for a day!

Have you ever had one of those days where you feel like everything is going your way?

As Ara and I walked up to the booth to pay for our zoo tickets today the lady says, "we had a water pipe break so admission is free, you just can't use the water fountains or bathrooms". Ok, no problem we brought water and Ara has a diaper on!

The zoo was fun and the weather was really mild until we got to the back where the polar bears are, ironically I guess. Thats the point where you curve back around and head towards the entrance again. We were feeling hot, our water was almost gone. Then as we are passing the kid area again the water miraculously comes on! Water pipe is fixed! Ara got soaking wet and mostly watched the bigger kids play but she had a great time. When it was time I loaded her back into the stroller "her car" and striped her clothes and shoes off since they were dripping wet. I entered the gift shop with the idea of buying her a book of zoo memories that would also serve as a distraction for her doctor visit scheduled later that day. I spend $30 on a tiger toy, a zoo shirt (to cover Ara), and a cute book.

Later that day we arrive at the doctor office and the receptionist says that they called me way back in August to reschedule and that Ara can't see the doctor today. I am annoyed, I insist that I never received a call and that this appointment was important so if I had I most certainly would have rescheduled. The lady I'm talking to reminds me of a brick wall for all her compassion for my situation, but the lady that is next to her says she will go talk to someone. I wait, without holding much hope. A is annoyed because he got off work early to come to this appointment and we know it will be at least a month if we have to reschedule. I continue to stand in front of receptionist lady who continues to ignore my existence. Finally, other lady returns and she has good news! We can have a seat the doctor will see us! First time EVER that I have had one of these situations go my way with the medical profession!

The doctor we get is actually the one I have the most confidence in (this practice has several pediatricians). She confirms that Ara is healthy and wonderful and brilliant. She has the blood results and they are normal. She confirms what we have been suspecting that the hair loss looks like a behavior rather than a medical issue. She assures us that the referral for the dermatologist will become a reality in the near future. Then.... she suggests that cutting Ara's hair very short might stop her from pulling at night. I will have a hard time cutting her sweet little ringlets but hey, I will take this problem over a tumor any day.

So there it is.. this was like my day!

Frusterated

The wheels of the health industry turn so freaking SLOWLY! I called Ara's doctor's office this morning, a full week after her visit to find out why they haven't called to tell me the insurance had approved a specialist. They say they haven't heard from the insurance. How long does it take to call the insurance and get a yes or no? They also have no idea where the results from the blood work stands. It's only been a week, only 6 work days since we took her. Is it me or is this infuriating? I feel like there has got to be a faster way to get this done. In the mean time Ara is waking up everyday with more hair on her pajamas and I can't sleep at all. I'm going to call again in an hour. If being a nice Mommy doesn't get it done we will try annoying-calls-every-hour Mommy. Oh yes, I can be that lady. I think I will call the insurance directly as well and maybe I will find my own damn specialist and make her an appointment. My kid deserves better than this.

Edit: I posted this and then got back on the phone. I called the insurance directly and it turns out the specialist was approved on the 20th, 4 days ago? Punks.

"It's k"

We took Ara to the doctor today for her hair loss. I've been noticing hair in her crib and on her pajamas for a while now and it was sort of in my head that it might be too much hair. It wasn't until 3 days ago I noticed she has an almost bald spot on her head. It's not quite bald but the hair is much much thinner there and a it's a pretty big section, the doctor said about 3 inches. On a small head that seems like a lot. On some level I think I tried to ignore my instinct about the hair because I was afraid it might be something. If that is true, what kind of mother am I? We saw Dr. Dan, the doctor we usually see for well-baby visits and he said it could be such a variety of things that we needed to see a specialist. So after the insurance clears it, we will go see a dermatologist. We also have to go have her blood drawn to test for thyroid gland problems. He mentioned the thyroid problem specifically and said that sometimes a tumor on that gland can cause it to produce lower levels of the hormone. As he was examining Ara's head I was holding her to comfort her. Ara looked up into my face, stroked me softly and said, "it's k". Here I was trying to be strong and clear-headed, trying to stay focused and to ask the right questions and she sees right through me.

She sees that her Mommy is scared.

I didn't realize how scared until this moment. After all she has been through at the hands of doctors... it hasn't even been a year since we stopped battling the un-diagnosable, the biased-blind-arrogant-unstoppable...

I can't go on. I feel scared and helpless and I feel mad.


I want to make sure I talk about Ara's positive moments today. The topic I thought I was going to blog about. Ara is sleeping tonight in a big girl bed. We converted her crib at nap time but she only slept an hour and then I think she fell out (we have couch cushions all around her bed). The crib we bought was supposed to transform into a transition bed with safety rails to help her stay in. The rails looked great in the pictures but actually don't come more than a few inches above the mattress. Not exactly sufficient for our squirmy sleeper. We went to Baby's R Us after the doctor and got another bed rail. After A installed it I stood back and felt like all we did was make it a less safe crib instead of a bed with guide rails. Her feelings seemed mixed. She isn't sure she likes it but all day she couldn't stay away from it. We had to close the door to her room to stop her from jumping on her bed.

Anniversary

A and I have been together 12 years now. I remember the first time we talked; I sat down next to him and interrupted his reading. He looked intimidating to me because he wore glasses and had this "smart-guy" look to him. I only knew him as that really good trumpet player from my youth orchestra. He made me feel special. The way he looked at me when I talked. The details he remembered about me. My face used to hurt from smiling all the time. We spent our first year together spending every moment we could together. From morning to 11 pm at night (after rehearsal) and then we would go home and talk on the phone all night.

We celebrated on Sunday, my Sister watched Ara for the afternoon and we went to a restaurant and tried not to talk only about Ara! Then instead of seeing a movie liked we had planned we just went home. Finally non-Ara conversations flowed and we lay in each others arms talking, laughing, remembering, planning.