"Curiosity"

July07
Originally uploaded by fluteloop

I've sent out the invitations to her party, I already have the decorations (Elmo), Ara's aunt is taking care of the cake (last year mine was a tiny bit of a disaster), and I feel cautiously prepared! Ara's new favorite character is Nemo, the fish. She has a Nemo and a Dory bath toy that she has started carrying around with her. It's so cute, in the car she sits there pretending they are talking to each other and swimming. I have to remind myself to drive and not watch Ara in her beautiful pretend world. A and I have been talking over how we are going to work his new work schedule into my Fall teaching. We would both be gone until after 6 pm which is later than most Daycares will keep kids. Plus the idea of my Ara sitting in a school until that time breaks my heart. So, it is with much regret that I have decided to pass my East side studio on to another lucky teacher. I feel sad about this, but I feel good about being there for Ara. I will be teaching 1.5, maybe 2 days a week now. I don't know why that scares me. Letting go, making change. Giving up something I worked so hard to build. Trusting the students I have grown to love to another teacher.

I miss the days when emotions were simple.
One emotion please.
It seems I feel "torn" about everything.
I feel sad about giving up my studio.
I feel good about the decision.
I want to be home with my daughter.
I want to maintain my sense of self and do the things that fulfill me. Blah blah blah.

My train of thought just ran out of track.

Hopefully I will be seeing some of my old quintet this weekend before Brandon "Horn dog" (a reference to his instrument not what you were thinking!) moves out of state. Also, if Megan's life slows down a little I might get to hash out some Harry Potterisms over lunch! /happy

Oh a side note... I think Safeway has started offering delivery of groceries in my area! A didn't seem to excited about this.. but I am! You click, click, click and if you spend over $50 you get them delivered FREE! Also, if you order before 9:30 am they will deliver them the same day. This is pure genius at work. Don't call me lazy until you shop with a 2 year old. Now.. if I could con someone else into going to the laundromat I would be content.

Picture 083

Picture 083
Originally uploaded by fluteloop

We gave Ara one of her Birthday presents early (because we are like kids on Christmas morning when it comes to making her smile). It was an Imaginarium train set and she absolutely LOVED it. We sat there with tears in our eyes watching her make train noises and "fix" the tracks. Yeah, this won't be her only Birthday gift you can be sure of that!

Ara at my Mom's

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Originally uploaded by fluteloop

We went over to my Mom's for her Birthday. I just love that she looks so relaxed and happy in this picture.

First Impressions of the Hallows

Spoiler Warning: DO NOT read if you have not finished the book!


Pre-order you Harry Potter... pft.

I didn't get my book until 5 pm on the 21st, a huge disappointment to me. I could have walzed down to Safeway when I woke up and had a copy faster.

Anyway, I read all Saturday and Sunday night when I could (after Ara was in bed) and I finished on Monday. Since I have finished I felt strangely reluctant to talk about the book. Right at the beginning of the book I was devastated by Hedwig's death. When it seemed like Hagrid would die as well... I almost put the book down. If J.K. had killed Hagrid right then I was prepared to walk away.

Too much!
Too soon!
I cried about Hedwig. I cried (a lot) about Dobby. By the time Fred died I felt numb about it. I was so afraid that the twins would be ripped apart and they were! I really wish that she had included George in the epilogue... how did he cope? Did he go on with the business? Did he have a family and name his son Fred? I feel like I need to read it again. A lot of my questions went unanswered and I have to admit I felt a little cheated with some of the cheap plot tricks J.K. used. The ever so convenient chat Deam and the Goblin had right outside the tent. The "chat" with Dumbledore in King's Cross. The fact that the fire was, gasp one of the substances that can destroy a horcrux. Ron imitating parsletongue. Lalala. It may sound like I didn't like the book. I did like the book though. It's just that we waited with such anticipation to know answers and we cared so much about the characters that it was a let down to be left with so many questions. I am, however so happy that Harry, Ron, and Hermione lived and that they went on to have full lives. It was nice that in the end it wasn't just some stroke of luck that saved Harry. Or, for that matter that he didn't seem to all-of-the-sudden be some super wizard. I still miss Hedwig though.

HP Movie

Movie Spoiler warning:

We saw the movie last night and I was (as always) so excited and I probably had unrealistic expectations. None the less I felt disappointed. I really felt they missed the mark with a lot of important plot points. The end I felt, really blew by the grief we see Harry going through after Sirius dies which is an important moment for Harry and for the plot of the book. Also, Dumbledore is like "Sup, yo. Did I mention you have to kill or be killed and that is your fate?" "P.s. this info is why your mom and dad died". Could that conversation have been more casual and unimportant? The other part that really bothered me was the dual (that spelling looks wrong). I will have to re-read the chapter but I have a much more confident and in-control Dumbledore in my memory. I also thought that they left out some very important dual "smack talk" moments. Like when Dumbledore calls Voldy "Tom" which seems to un-nerve him. And when D tells V that there are things worse than death. This sends the message to V that D KNOWs about the things that I can't spell that start with an H! I DID like Umbridge's character and especially her little "hem hem". I liked the DA scenes! Centaurs were nice and scary. Did not like the modifications in the story when the DA is ratted out. I missed the music most of all I think though. John Williams themes seem crucial to me and the movie felt strange without them. Also, no Hedwig at all!? Oh and I really wanted to see more of the pranks the twins pulled when they left school. Particularly the swamp! My favorite scene.. when Ron and Harmione are setting up to stun each other and Neville gives him that male solidarity look! I am super tired for some reason. I will look up the spelling tomorrow when I can see clearly again.

Mostly Harry

The picture is just a weird bug I saw on the side of our house.

I can't believe I let the opening of Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix sneak up on me! I don't have tickets to see it on the day it opens and I am officially bummed. I probably won't get to see it until the weekend and that is only if I can find someone to watch my little tornado or a toddler. Truth be told I am more excited about the book on the 21st. I have had that ordered forever now and I can't wait. As soon as Ara goes to bed I will be curled up in bed with my book, my ipod, and a big glass of ice to chew on. Ice is my new best friend and yes I KNOW it's bad for my teeth. I am on day 8 of eating 0 carbs and I need the crunchy. Ice keeps my mind off of other yummy things. Something new to read will be lovely though. There is nothing like having a book you like to climb inside. I am just sad that this is the last one. It was nice to look forward to the newest HP all these years. The last one came out the summer I was super pregnant and I cried and cried through the last 2 chapters. I don't know if it was that I was overly emotional or if I am just a shmuck. I guess we will find out with this book. I've read some of the predictions about Harry surviving. A couple forum threads and an article on MSN. My own personal hope is that Harry does survive but I am afraid someone else good will die. I think maybe the Weasly twins will have an important role, they are brilliant, daring, and visible with their shop in Diagon Alley. I will be happy as long as the whole Weasly family, Harry, Hermione, and Hagrid (and Fang) live. I think we will find out that Snape really was acting on Dumbledore's orders when he killed him and that Dumbledore had some plan for such an event. He does seem to be tied to the Phoenix and the bird does have extraordinary powers where death is concerned. I am curious to see how Draco's part plays out because I think that he is mostly show and possible not as bad as he comes off. A lot of the predictions foresaw Harry's demise and I think I would just feel cheated if that happened. All this time we have been watching him grow and develop I hope it was not so that we could also see him die. I plan to read this series to Ara when she is 11 I hope I don't have to send a howler to J.K. after this book is released!

So I was emptying the trash from the car then I came inside and thought I need to take this trash out too. Then I thought.. I'm tired of trash. Everyday there is trash. Why do we have so much trash? What is in the trash? How can I reduce the amount of trash we have to throw into the garbage can and then into the landfills? I think this would be a good goal for me. Trashless in 2007! No, thats not catchy...

Tired Thoughts

I woke up at 8 am this morning and I was sweating it is that hot. So after we dropped A off at work Ara and I stopped off at Walmart to get her one of those floaties that have a little seat in them and some spray on sunblock. Then we were off to my Dad's house to swim. As soon as we entered the neighborhood Ara says, "Jojo Pweeez". So cute. We had a nice mid morning in the pool. The new foatie worked pretty well. It gave Ara a little freedom and it let her practice blowing bubbles and kicking her legs. She still get so frustrated that she can't move around the pool like Jojo. It won't be long though. For now she settles for constantly counting to three and watching me dunk myself in the water.

I am tired and already forgot why I was talking about the swimming. I think I had a cute story in mind...

On an unrelated topic we are being invaded by super-poison-resistant ants. The are EVERYWHERE. In the bed, clean clothes, living room, bedrooms, kitchen, cat food container... We have sprayed the outside and dropped those ant killer traps around but they march on and on and on. I will be so happy to NOT spend another summer in this house. Nononono!

This is my 4th day back on super duper torture diet. I am completely cutting out grains, fruits, sugar, and caffeine. It's hard and I am getting pretty sick of salad with no dressing. Yuk! It's the strangest thing I have been craving cake above all other carbolicious things. You never get to eat cake unless there is a party. I want cake! Cake would make me feel happy. Oh with a strawberry milkshake. And something chocolate.

Ara's Birthday is coming up and I'm so excited! I can't believe 2 years old already. I need to look around for a place to have the party. Last year was Peter Piper's land of super-loud-kids. I can't take that level of noise again. I think I'll order a cake this time, last years cake fiasco still burns in my memory!

I'm tired. I'm going to set my ipod to sleep in 30 minutes and fall asleep to some Harry I think.

Dinner out

 

"Ara, what does a frog say?"
"Bibbit"

"What does a kitty say?"
"Me-wow"

"What does a dog say?"
"Wuff wuff shlooop shloop (licking sound)"

"What does a cow say?"
"Moooooooooooooooo"

"What does an owl say?"
"Who whooo"

"What does Daddy say?"
"..."

Dream house

My Brother has offered to help me make a playhouse/sandbox for Ara. He made one for Joey a while back and Ara loved playing in it. His original design was a super simple box made of plywood. Since I want to make one for Ara now I've sort of made it a tad more complicated. For starters I want the floor to slide out so that there can be a sandbox underneath (protected from cats who like to pee in sand). Also I made the roof a slope instead of flat and it is made of UV blocking fabric to allow for more airflow. One side I will leave open so that it can also be a stage for singing and dancing. I plan to have a curtain on the open side as well for dramatic effect. And, yes we will be painting murals on it!

Ara is my laundry helper!

"What?! I am your laundry helper today?"

"Working hard pushing the laundry card around and making car noises"

"Pink milk break while we wait for the clothes to dry!"

Computer dumb.

KCAL did an undercover camera investigation to which computer repair places were incompetent/scammers. They took perfectly working computers and just disconnected the cable from the hard drive to the motherboard, then took the computers to different repair shops to see what they said.

The results were varied and shocking:

Best Buy: Said needed a new power supply
Circuit City: $59.99 "The jumper was set wrong"
COMPUsa: Charged $119.99, their minimum charge, but correctly diagnosed and fixed the problem
Fry's: $69.99, fixed all good
Torrence Computer Repair (local): Fixed, at no charge b/c it was so easy
BM (local)I: $275 due to "power short," as the "main board" and "hard drive" were "bad"

Link to the video

catch that toddler!

Ara has been testing her boundaries lately. In the library we were sitting down building block towers and she walks slowly around the corner and then when she is just out of sight of me she breaks into an all out run. I get up and realize she is running towards the doors and sprint towards her. She very nearly made it to the automatic doors. Mere feet from the parking lot. It freaks me out that she has such little fear and I am not all together sure how to deal with this behavior. I want her to stay near me not the other way around. She is so confident that I will follow and keep her safe. She runs from me giggling when I follow like we are playing chase. What do I do? After the library I did some thinking about how to handle it. Later that day we all went to Barnes and Nobles because I wanted to look up potty training books. Ara had her Daddy's hand and leading him around looking at the children's section. Then she drops his hand and runs like a mad woman again. He looked surprised which I was a little glad to see. At least it isn't just me! We both chased after her and after we caught her I took her straight outside the store. Once outside I put her down and bent down to talk to her face to face. I explained that when she ran away I felt worried. I offered her a choice to return to the store and stay by me or go home. It was text book parent class technique. She didn't get it at all. The look on her face plainly said she didn't understand the choice I was giving her. Since she didn't choose to stay near me we did go home. Great. Fail. The logic is there I suppose, every time she runs I will immediately leave the store we are in. In this instance, and I suspect in future instances this consequence will be more punishment for me than for Ara. We talked about other possible solutions. The only other we could come up with is the "kid leash". I WOULD feel more at peace using a leash somewhere where I felt it would be dangerous for her to be separated from me. Like the Mall or places where she could get to the street easily. My worry is that the leash teaches her nothing. I want her to understand the why.

On another topic it is time to start potty training. I have been dreading this stage because I really don't know where to start. We got her a toilet a while ago but she mostly uses it to play. She thinks it is entertaining to put toys into it and then close the lid. I looked at some books at the store (before I was forced to leave) and the advice seemed sound. I am not sure she is really really ready. We haven't been taking about the difference between wet and dry and she really doesn't seem to know when she is going. One of the books suggested making a routine and putting her on a toilet every 2 hours. I will try that.. I guess.

Great Expectations

I need to find a way to stop being mad about petty things. I get so disappointed when people don't live up to my expectations. When "A" does things that seem insensitive or thoughtless in my opinion it hurts my feelings and that is my problem. So what if he thinks of only himself when we have ants in the bed. Am I going to let that make me feel mad and wrinkle my eyebrows for days? Why? It's not like it will change the fact. So I think to myself that the problem is how I see the situation and how I deal with it. I have this expectation that "A" should think of my needs like I do his. He has a different expectations. We never really talked about how we saw a man and a woman's "role" when there were kids. All of the time that I worked and he didn't there was never any effort on his part to "take care" of me. To be honest I didn't really expect it myself. I never expected anyone to pack a lunch, cook a dinner, do my laundry, or clean the house for me. I thought we should do it all together. Now that the tables have turned and he is working and I am staying home with Ara I see that there is a double standard. Big time. There is just more expected of a woman. Everyone does it. Even me. So I see the expectations are there for me to be home with Ara and do ALL of the other household chores while juggling my teaching responsibilities and chaffering "A" to and from work. Is this a lot to ask? Sure. Can I do it? Damn right. But I can't go on feeling cheated. I constantly look at how unfair it is that the family responsibilities are split 80/20%. "A's" Mom actually told me once when I was mad that I should feel lucky that I have a man who is around. At the time it pissed me off more. I should just thank my lucky stars that a man stuck around and just be grateful I am not all alone. Ok so I suppose I should be thankful for that. The truth is that things could be so much worse. The truth is that I DO have it good. It seems all relative. We have been through hard times and still found a way to be happy with what we have. Then it seems, for me I have a hard time finding happiness when life is handing me flowers. Our relationship isn't perfect but I can't think of anyone who has a perfect relationship. So what do I want? What do I expect? When I know these things I think it will be easier to find acceptance within myself.

Ants and the jerk-face.

VENTING: Ants have invaded our house. They are coming up the shower drain, they are in the kitchen, they are in the living room, and they are in my bed. "A" discovered that sometime in the wee hours of the morning. So you know what he did? He took the blanket and slept on the couch, the only ant free zone and left me with no blanket in the ant bed. So I tried to go back to sleep after that but:
1. I was pissed off.
2. I was cold.
3. There were ants biting me.

I am sitting here still tired, still feeling like there are ants all over me (which is partially true), and still feeling pissed. I did get up sometime around 6 am and pull the covers off of happily sleeping jerkface. He was like, "the covers weren't even on you when I got up". I wonder why that is... COVER STEALER! Then he pulled the blanket back up to his chin and promptly started snoring. I am feeling really fed up.

Late night thoughts.

Ara's hair is long enough to put into a little ponytail! Her hair constantly surprises me. I would have never thought that I would have a little girl with ringlets. Curazzzzy. I told A that if other woman had know he had adorable, smart, curly headed kids in his genes he would have been hunted. Does that seem weird?

So all day today I felt nauseous but I don't feel "sick". I've been feeling not right for a week-ish now. I might actually consider a doctor visit if it doesn't improve, and I HATE doctors.

I am taking care of Alison and Charles's birds again, I think the birds have started regarding me as "the help". They won't even whistle with me now! Feathery snobs.

I want to start working out and eating healthier. I considered joining a gym and I made an appointment for a tour/workout but when I mentioned it to A it started a big 2 day fight. When would I go? How much is it? The only time I could go would be when A got off work and then he would have to put Ara down to bed alone. I guess it just won't work but I am sad. I know that I am doing what I want to be doing this summer. Staying home with Ara and teaching a minimal amount of students. But (you knew that was coming right?) I also feel the need to steal a little time to myself. For myself. I actually enjoy going to feed the birds because I get to be alone just for a bit. It is hard because A wants down time when he gets off of work and I totally get that. At the same time I want down time as well. Just 30 minutes to myself. Maybe I will just take a walk after Ara goes down, I don't like walking in the dark but if she goes to bed right at 8 I might have a little light left. I am also going to buy a workout DVD at Target or something. I have always thought those work-out balls looked cool and Ara might think it's fun to have exercise time during the day. It's something that is important to me. I want Ara to see me feeling good about myself and I want to model a health lifestyle.

If it wasn't for...

Not-So-Near-Death:

So today when it was time to pick up A from work I sent Ara in the living room to get the toys she wanted to take in the car and I decided to open the back door. Right there on the door step is the next door neighbors cat with her latest brood of kittens. Kuku (aka Chester) flies out the door through my legs and looks like he going to attack the closest kitten. Momma cat lunges at him, scary cat fight sounds ensue. I am yelling, although I don't realize it at the time. I grab a broom, separate them and push Kuku back into the house while blocking the mom cat from entering. I make sure that Kuku stays away from Ara since he is upset and unpredictable and I am thinking how glad I am that Ara wasn't right with me when I opened the door like she usually is. So we get on the road and right as we turn onto the main road it is immediately obvious that a big accident had just happened. From a distance I can see one car is on it's roof, and there are regular people trying to direct traffic away from all the cars and people in the middle of the road. I know it sounds selfish but my first thought was if those cats hadn't been there we would have been right here when this accident happened. We sat and waited for traffic while the distant sirens came closer and closer and I started to wonder about the random things that happen that maybe aren't so random.


On a lighter note:

Ara walks into the kitchen straight over to the cabinet that usually has a the "impossible-for-anyone-to-open" child lock on it. She reaches in, grabs the open bag of tortilla chips like thats what she came for and promptly dumps it on the floor. Then she bends down and daintily picks one chip off the pile and takes a tiny bite out of it as she walks past me back to the living room. I felt like I was in a Calvin and Hobbes comic strip. To top it all off Kuku was waiting under the table and before I could get it cleaned up he snagged a chip too. All I can do is throw up my hands and eat a chip.

Oh is that what those are called?

Ara can do a somersault! I was like elated when I saw her do a couple last night and then A says "Oh is that what those are called? She has been able to do that for a while". On the one hand I never knew anyone who didn't know what a somersault was and it's cute that he didn't. On the other, I think that's huge and I wish he had told me! Anyway, we had this conversation and I ask Ara in an annoyingly happy Mommy voice to come do more and she shakes her pretty head of curls and says "no". So, no one is as excited as me but I thought I would share it anyway! I have been getting to spend lots of mommy-baby time this week since I am teaching only Tuesday and Wednesday for the rest of May. It has been great. We have been tending our flowers outside, swimming in the kiddy pool, tomorrow we are going to go to target and probably story-time at the library. Ara, Kuku (the cat), and I all nap at the same time! It's a special time.

Reflections

I just watched the series finale of Gilmore Girls. Rory graduates and then leaves her Mom to start her career as a journalist. I cried like a baby the whole time. I've been really trigger happy with the crying lately. I'll cry at cute commercials, I cried during a re-run of CSI Miami, I cry over the news channel (don't even know what it's called) when I am channel surfing. After my show was over I had this light bulb moment; I'm really emotional lately. lol. I've been sort of thinking about how differently I used to process things emotionally when I was younger. I examined the details less I think. I would just be working towards something without thinking "wow I am really working hard towards this goal that I have clearly in my mind". Now, it's like I can't really stick to things and be consistent. I have been really stressed lately and I have some big decisions to make and summer is coming with a whole different schedule. Maybe I am just feeling overwhelmed. Or maybe that is all part of life and I am not keeping up as well as I should. I don't know. It's not like everything is falling apart or I am unhappy. It's just when I have a moment of silence to think I feel troubled or perturbed is a better word maybe. I wake up early in the morning and then I can't go back to sleep. My mind sort of races about nothing in particular. Scenes from movies and shows I wish I could forget float back to me. Just in general not significant thoughts just thoughts I don't really want to think. At night I have to listen to my ipod to fall asleep. It helps me not to think. I put on a podcast or my trusty audio Harry Potter and then drift off. Well I thought it might help me to identify the problem if I wrote about it.

Ara and I went to Walmart and bought a kiddie pool today and I "tried" to set it up in our patio. We have a pretty small little walled in patio with no lawn so it doesn't quite work. We had fun anyway sitting in the partially falling down pool. We splashed and laughed. Ara loves to lay on her tummy and blow bubbles. I like to live the life of a kid again. Sitting in the early afternoon sun, watching the water sparkle as we throw it in the air. Noticing how rocks change color when you get them wet. It makes me feel... content and happy and simple. It's nice.

Caution content includes pictures of an adorable nature.

Ara and I spent the morning at the park. I borrowed my sister's camera to try to get a good shot of Ara to turn into a Mother's Day card for her Grandmas'. I got some cute looks but nothing that had the correct part in focus lol so I will have to try again.