Piccolo Concerto!~

It's OVER!  I feel such a sense of relief that the concerts are over. 

I had fun, I really did and it was a good experience.  I got to give the world premiere of a strange and wonderful piece.  I felt honored by my fellow orchestra members and that was amazing and surprising.  They were all very supportive and through it all I felt more like one of them then I ever have.  I met and worked with the composer who has led a fascinating life.  He was trying to talk A into playing his trumpet concerto next year!  Lol. 

The first performance was tense.  I was so nervous and the crowd was so full and CLOSE to me.  I don't like it when people are so close!  Megan, Pat, and my Dad all came to see me and it really meant so much to me that they were there.  Afterwards I was invited to a reception and so many people came up to me with smiling faces to say that they enjoyed the performance.  I admit I was really insecure about the audience liking it.  And me for that matter.  So unless they were lying (if they were thank goodness they are good liars) they didn't hate it. 

The second performance was last night in an adjacent town.  It was HOT the air was stuffy and I couldn't swallow my mouth was so dry.  Strangely, though I was so much more relaxed and I felt it was a good performance. 

On the way home I had several random Highway thoughts:

Driving one of those Semi(?) trucks seems like it could be kind of cool.  What a life, driving along all alone for days on end.  Every day would be a road trip day!

I wonder why Europe is always more environmentally conscious than we are?  I mean my city used to have a trolly that ran down town but other than that the public transport is a fleet of stinky polluting buses.  Why have we never considered electric buses? 

I have to drive down there again soon for a quintet performance, so I though here is an opportunity for me to car pool and start living more green.  Then I thought about how much I enjoy my alone time, which is almost exclusively in the car.  Or sometimes in the bathroom but that is no guarantee.

Then I thought about how my friend Brandon used to live near there and how he is gone now.  Then I thought about my old quintet and I missed late night goof ball rehearsals before competitions. 

There were a couple University people who played on this concert.  I exchanged numbers with the Flute player.  She was nice and she had a very pretty sound.  I think about her like she lives in another world.  A world I used to live in but now it seems so strange and far away.  I am a Mommy now and I can't relate to people who can devote 7 hours to playing flute anymore.  I felt a twinge of regret and longing when that thought hit me.  I wish that I could be the player that used to practice that much.  I felt so much more confident and brave back then.  That's not to say that my playing hasn't grown since I have been out of school.  I think my teaching has helped me to grow and develop in different ways.  But there is no substitute for regular practice.  Regrets, sure but really I would not change anything about my Mommy status.

 

Ara is a diarrhea factory since yesterday.  There is a Mommy perk you all could have gone without hearing about I bet!

Blog or Pensive?

I am sick.

This week has been stressful.

Renee lent me her piccolo, so I won't have to play on the rented student model I currently have.

Ara has been sick for going on 5 days now, she even threw up again on Tuesday at the park.

Joey had spring break this week so I watched him on Tue and Thurs.  He was really good but this week has just felt so crazy.

The crazy week isn't over until next Monday night.

I have completely fallen off the healthy eating wagon and it's no wonder I have no energy.

Rehearsal tomorrow (A's Mom is coming over to watch Ara)

Pic Lesson on Saturday.

Rehearsal on Saturday.

Performance on Saturday.

Easter.

Performance on Monday.

I need to remember to cancel my Saturday students ack, totally spaced that.  I think I might cancel my lesson too.  I really wanted to run that by Kashy but the rehearsal is later than I thought and it's all too much I think.  At this point it will either go well or it won't I think.  There isn't much point to cramming.  Except on the cadenza which I have been ignoring! 

 

I read this poll in my Parents Magazine asking if people thought it was ok to put videos of their children on You Tube.  67% (ish) said no and the quotes from parents were alarming.  They basically were saying that putting your child's images online was inviting weirdo's to target them.  My first reaction was fear, I immediately thought about taking down all personal information and images I have of Ara on my blog.  Then I started thinking, why is it that we fear the internet so much?  If Ara's picture came out in the Newspaper I think my Mother in Law would be thrilled and proud.  But the very idea that I would put her son or granddaughter's images on the internet terrifies her.  Is it because the internet is worldwide?  Is the fear based on sheer numbers of possible views?  If so why should that be something to fear?  I'm not even saying I don't feel the same on some level, because I really really do.  I am just trying to understand it.   Somehow, someone far away seems more menacing than a neighbor.  If I took Ara to a mall, hundreds of people could see her but that isn't scary is it?  If it was... I think I would be blogging about a different topic, right? lol.  The truth is, and when I say this I sound paranoid but the truth is that the people living close to us shouldn't be considered more or less of a threat than people we  can't see and don't know on the internet.  I like blogging because I can speak my mind and be personal but to the general reader I am basically anonymous.  I don't know, I certainly don't want Ara's beautiful pictures to fall into the hands of a freak but on the other hand I love that this is a place to express myself.  All of myself , including my love for my daughter. 

Transformer Phones!~

So I recently replaced my wireless phone and I chose a phone that has video and photo capabilities (and it plays Mp3's but whatever right?).  I am excited to have a phone that can take pictures but at the same time I keep thinking that we expect too much from our phones.  Why does everything have to be multipurpose?  I have an Mp3 player and a digital camera so I felt that having those functions on my phone were more of a novelty than anything else.  Especially since the phone is only the best at being a phone.  My iPod and camera put it to shame in the categories of photos and happy musical playlists.  Soon we will want our TV's to be refrigerators and wouldn't it be nice if my kitchen sink could cook dinner and wash the dishes!  Yeah!  Anyway, sarcasm aside I have really been seeing the convenience in the camera phone.  Being the geek mother that I am I usually do carry my camera but there have already been several times when something photo worthy was happening and the phone was much closer at hand than the camera.  So I am convinced.  All tiny electronic devices should have many purposes! 

 

P.S. If someone could tell me an easier way to get the pictures from the phone to my computer that would be great, thanks!

Fairy Princess

I put on my solo dress today and asked Ara if she thought I looked pretty. She nodded and said that I looked like a princess! My eyes welled up and I gave her sniffy kisses all over her face!

Then I performed my concerto for her.

Half way through the piece she yelled, "Momma stop playing picc-low NOW... pweeze".

Lol.

My new practice technique is to run out of the room playing whenever a high note passage is coming so that I only ruin my own hearing. I will be going to the UA to practice again tonight and I have earplugs this time so I feel sorry for all of the people who will be within earshot of me. I hope I find a practice room door open again!

My Stress-Out List

• Concerto!!!
• memorization
• accompaniment
• dress
• child care during the MANY rehearsals
• I need a place to practice where I can blast the high notes!
• Car registration (it is still smoking so I doubt it is going to pass)
• Car accident today
• Quintet rehearsal and music right smack in stress week
• Jury Duty

Solo

I had to make a list of all the things stressing me out right now because I feel like if I write them down maybe they will be easier to handle.  I used to carry around this stress about performances when I was in school, I thought I had outgrown it but here it is and here I am.  I think it is due in large part to the fact that this is a piccolo concerto and I have never soloed on pic, let alone on my sad little Artley that has been in need of repair for years.  I have found that I am very reluctant to have any of my instruments repaired.  I know that is strange, and don't tell my students because I regularly lecture them on this very subject.  I guess I am superstitious and/or lazy.  I don't want anyone messing up my instruments.  How is that possible since there is actually tape holding together my foot joint?  Don't look for logic here, there is none.  Now that I have typed that out I see how stupid I am being and I will make an attempt to track down someone who can do the work.  I already know I am going to be half hearted about it lol.  I am secretly hoping someone will save me and lend me their awesome piccolo for the performance and that I will magically be comfortable on it.  Let's leave that topic alone, I stress myself out!

 

I talked to my old professor today and he is going to see me in a week or so when he gets back into town.    I think having his blessing will help my confidence.  Although if he is horrified with my playing, that will not help lol!

I bought a dress last week at Ross!  I recently discovered I love that store lol.  So, I found this dress that I loved and it was $25 which is a fraction of the other dresses I have been looking at and I loved it for a week.  Now, I'm not sure.  I need to find some sort of little shawl thing to wear with it and that seems hard.  Also it isn't floor length it's mid calf which makes me feel less fancy than most of the soloist I can remember.  I don't know.  We will see how I feel next week.

 

Car Accident

Ara and I were rear ended today as we made our way home from a long list of errands.  We were approaching the railroad crossing when the lights suddenly started flashing.  The road approaches the crossing from under an highway overpass so I had no warning visually that a train was even coming.  I had to stop suddenly and BAM the car behind me slams into us and pushes the car ominously close to the tracks.  I try to reverse but I have no room and I am gesturing wildly to the car that hit us to back up as the mechanical arm slowly descends onto the roof of our car.  I don't even have to turn my head to know that  a train is racing towards us, the nose of the car is still too close to the tracks.  At this point I am in reverse and I am prepared to move the car behind me with force if she doesn't wise up!  She inches backwards and Ara and get to watch a train wizzing by close up.  The force of the wind rocks the car, the sound is deafening, I am shaking and asking Ara over and over if she is ok.  She on the other hand is thrilled to be so close to a train. 

I have always held people who get hit by trains in contept.  I would always say, "how can you NOT see a train is coming?"  Now I know and I am truly sorry. 

My back, neck, and abdomen hurt but Ara seems completely unaffected.  I am having trouble letting go of all the "what ifs" though and I am back to cringing every time I watch a car approach in the rear view mirror. 

 

Jury Duty

I can't believe they are sticking me with jury duty AGAIN!  I have never known someone who gets called as often as I do.  I think there is some lazy government clerk out there who keeps choosing me because my last name starts with an A!  He is too lazy to turn to the next page when he "randomly" picks people (notice in my scenario the incompetent is male).  I am going to actually try to get out of it this time, I never have in the past but I have Ara and I cannot be on some jury for a week.  Besides, I have small faith in our 'system' anyway.  Sorry punks that is how I roll.  I freely criticize and do nothing towards correcting.  Bite me.

 

I can't find a comfortable way to sit or lay, my back is crack-y.

Pictures with very few Words!

Ara and her reflection as she gazes at the lion enclosure at the zoo.


...

A day at the park! Ara has no fear and can go down even the tallest slides without any help!

Ara Mp3

purplecar.mp3

I have been recording Ara talking while she sits at the table doing art.

I left the door open because it was such a lovely evening and all three of us were in the kitchen. Ara looked out the door where she could see our car sitting there and she said, "the purple car is sad". I think maybe because the car was outside and we were all inside, either way I just thought it was adorable.

What mothers are really worth?

Every weekend A and I have the same problem, he feels like his days off should be more relaxing and I feel like I never get days off.  Yesterday we had a short argument.  I was mad because he is always conveniently missing when diapers need to be changed, nap time is approaching, meals need to be prepared, or Ara needs a bath.  In fact I would say he has given her a bath on his own probably twice in the past year.  That is not to say that he hasn't sometimes helped wash her hair or watched her while I ran to get something.  This is the norm though, I am in charge of all of Ara's basic needs all the time.  I basically run every single aspect of our lives.  I can't say I don't empathize with him when he has had a hard week, like he had last week and he wants some R&R time.  Of course I understand I want some down time too!  I have on several occasions noticed he looked tired and short tempered and offered to take Ara on outings to give him time to himself.  The weekend before last I took her to my Dad's while I taught and then spent the day there.  Alex had more than 8 hours of alone time.  I can't even explain what I would give to have eight whole hours to myself. 

I love that I am raising my daughter.  I love that Ara smiles when I say she is in Mommy school.  I know that everyday I spend with her I am making a difference. 

These are important things to know.  I have in the past struggled with our decision to keep her out of daycare.  I have struggled with my own feelings of self worth.  This is probably something that every person goes through.

Being a first time Mom I still feel like I am in the Novice levels and there are a lot of aspects of stay at home Mom-ing that surprise me.  Not the least of which is a significant number of people I interact with (including my Mother-in-law) give me the impression that they think I do nothing all day.  Perhaps raising children is a mystery to parents who have not done it 24/7.  How could the booming childcare industry get away with charging parents over $100 a day if this were an easy job?  That's right, $110 for 6-8 hours of childcare.  I am on call 24 hours a day.  I am only physically apart from Ara for 4 hours on Saturday while I work.  I don't get sick days, vacation days, or overtime pay.  

I don't mean to sound like this isn't my choice and that I don't feel lucky to have this opportunity.  I also don't care if those people give me condescending looks when they ask what I did all day.  What I want is some effort and appreciation on A's part for the role I play in our family.  During our argument yesterday day he pointed out that we ate dinner out a lot last week and that he felt that was giving me a break.  I pointed out that he left work at 5 pm and asked him when he felt my job ended?  It's nice to eat out and not have to worry about cooking and cleaning but why is that my sole responsibility?  Didn't I put in my 8 hours of work the same as him?  Didn't I already prepare and clean up after 2 meals during the day?  The world needs to get wise.  Mother's work damn hard and we are the toughest most passionate people around.  I should have the final say in all things including but not limited to physical pain (hello drug free birth), emotional pain, love, sleep derivation, frustration, and joy. 

I looked up Stay-at-Home parent on salary.com to see what my current market value is the following is a quote:

"Based on a 90-hour work week, Salary.com has estimated that a fair wage for the typical stay-at-home mom would be well over $90,000 for executing all of her daily tasks. Factor in overtime, and the appropriate salary takes a leap of around $25,000."

I have vented and I feel a bit better.  After our argument I felt frustrated and impotent.  I stay at home and in the eyes of society at large and A that is something small and insignificant.  But, in the eyes of my daughter that is everything.

A Sunday Afternoon~

Library

Story time:  Every Thursday Ara and I head to the library for Toddler Storytime.  The conference room is usually packed full with 2-3 year olds and their grown-ups.  The grown-ups are mostly Mom's but there is always a smattering of Dads and Grandparents.  We all sit on the floor and enjoy a half hour of singing, dancing, and yes even a few stories.  Ara still has a very hard time sitting still.  You can see she is bursting with excitement and anticipation of her favorite songs and sitting still is almost more than she can take.  As adorable as I think this is I worry that I am not teaching her how to behave in certain situations.  When I say that I feel like such a prude.  Why shouldn't a 2 year old be boisterous and bouncy when in a room of her tiny peers?  It seems natural.  I hate that I always have to be the advocate for conforming!  I am like the borg (nerdy trekie reference sorry).  I feel self conscious about it because I look around at a the majority of kids sitting on the grown-ups laps looking quite content.  What is expected of me?  Should I force Ara to sit with me while she squirms and screams?  Is the fact that she squirms and screams a sign that I have already failed to show her how to act?  One of the teachers at the parent class told me that I need to tell Ara that "we" sit still at storytime and if "we " can't then we should go.  I tried that, the problem is that she is half way across the room before I have finished the sentence.  So I tried prepping her ahead of time.  The day before, the morning of, in the car on the way.  It boils down to the one unavoidable truth: it's my fault!  For every undesirable behavior your little angel exhibits you share the blame.  What could I have done to prevent this?  What should I do in the future?  How can I help her to understand?  My problem is that I also struggle with the "why" I have to stop her from being her.  I love that she is creative, spontaneous, enthusiastic, and out going.  I don't want to take that out of her.  I also don't want her to miss out on an important lesson that would help her in the future.  Maybe I missed an important lesson when I was growing up.. I seem to lack the ability to make up my mind!  I want what is best for Ara and overall I feel good about taking her to these things and I feel good about the progress she is making.  She talks about her friends at the library with a huge smile and that makes me feel like a good mom!

Making-ed a snow man!

Ara has been on a mission to prove to us that our baby proofing efforts no long apply to her! 

In her room she has a dresser for her clothes and a second plastic dresser for pajamas and diaper changing supplies.  Last week I put her down for a nap and after about a half hour of silence I hear her adorable little voice singing songs.  She does that sometimes to fall back asleep so I wasn't concerned I let her sing thinking she would be a sleeping angel again in no time.  I was wrong so very wrong.  She did quiet down, but instead of sleeping like I assumed, she was exploring her room in the dark. 

She called out to me about an hour later and as I opened the door I was surprised to find her standing there.  I reached out to her before turning on the light and when I touched her hair I recoiled!  I flipped the light switch and saw a strange sight.  I said, "Ara, what is this all over you?".  Then I looked into the room... the first thing I noticed was the pile of cotton balls on her bed.  Then the pile of wipes next to her bed.  Then the diaper drawer standing open with a smattering of diapers around it.  Finally I noticed the diaper cream tube at the center of a very gooey white mess.  I looked back down at Ara and she smiled. 

She looked proudly at her work and told me, "Making-ed a snow man!". 

She was absolutely covered in diaper cream, her hair was stiff and sticking straight up, her arms were white, even the inside of her nostrils!  I guided her to the kitchen sink where I started to undress her, all the while trying (unsuccessfully) to not become covered in white myself.  When I pulled down her diaper I discovered that it was full of poop and that the containment barrier had broken!  So there I am, my shirt covered in diaper cream, my hands smeared with poop.  My daughter is in an even worse state and I just had to laugh a little.  What amazing havoc a small person can cause. 

I washed her hair 5 times, it still felt all stiff and weird and smelled very strange.  She complained loudly while I cleaned it out of her ears and nose.  The cream itself refuses to come out of her clothes and the smell is probably permanent in her bedroom carpet. 

My only regret is that I didn't take a picture.

And, yes we did remove all diaper related items from her room!

She also recently discovered that toy boxes can be emptied, turned over, and used as ladders to reach things up high. 

She can climb anything but she especially likes to climb all of the ladders (otherwise know as bookshelves) around the house.

She can open doors now.

She can reach all of the old places we use to put things she shouldn't have!  So now those things are so high even I can't reach them half the time!

The list goes on and on.  Sometimes I long for the pre-crawling days where she would stay right where you put her!  Mostly, though I am in awe at her development and although I try not to show it, I am amused by her catastrophes.

Don't Hate my French Fries!

Grocery List (boring huh?)

Dairy milk eggs x2 cheddar cheese (shredded) heavy cream swiss cheese cream cheese mozzarella	Deli lunch meat provolone ham	Bread croissant
Meat frozen chicken ground beef wafer thin beef steaks (philly gormet) breakfast sausage bacon	Drink/Snack sugar free jello salsa gatoraid	Sauce/Spice tartar sauce oldbay seasoning onion powder dry onions taco seasoning soup packet lowcarb italian dressing can green chillies
Vegetables onion mushrooms (sliced) baby spinach grape tomatoes avacado celery green onion red and green bell peppers roma tomatoes iceburg lettuce	Frozen chopped broccoli	Misc Chips for lunches

Bed Head

Ara's bed broke! The wooden part that holds the mattress cracked. So for the past two days we have been prowling websites looking at reviews, prices, and availability of toddler beds. We considered a twin bed but it's a big change and a big investment. The toddler bed makes sense because she can use it for a few years still and we can continue to use the mattress from her crib.

We ended up deciding on a bed available at Walmart.. so we went there tonight to find that our Walmart has only a fraction of the beds we saw online. We got one of two models they had in stock. Not our first choice but acceptable. Ara chose a new blanket and sheet set (Dora the Explorer) and she seems excited about the idea of a "big girl bed".

I just hope she sleeps in it!

(I think it's going to be soo cute)


On an unrelated note I think I'm dying.

I have been having massive headaches and the back of my head is actually sore to the touch. As if I hit it on something.. but I didn't! Also my left eyebrow has been twitching for probably 5 days and it is really starting to freak me out. What could that be?!

Funny

This and That

Ara has been into grouping things together. She lines up all her trains or animals in a neat little line with such concentration. She likes to talk about things that go together like; cars and trucks, Joejoe and Auntie Em, Hugs and kisses.

So the other day she is sitting with us and she says, "Momma and Daddy".

We exclaim happily at her observation.

The she says, "Like peepee and poopoo".

Nice comparison lol.

Love my Nano!

I am enjoying my new Nano so much! I have been mostly watching Digg nation podcasts but since my old one was missing for so long it's even great just to HAVE my music with me. A bought me one of those iPOD docks with speakers and it's so easy just to pop it in there. Music makes every task seem more fun and it just puts me in a good mood. Ara and I have enjoyed many crazy dance parties in the kitchen since the pod and the dock came to our house!

Cute Video Blog

I searched "harry potter" on You Tube and this video blog came up. I thought she was funny and cute so I spent part of the morning with the laptop on the counter playing her stuff while I cleaned up and made lunch. Her name is Natalie (I think) and she is from Australia :D I've always wanted to do something like that.. it looks like fun!

Return Karma

I have a new super cute blue/green Nano! My Dad, Brother, Sister, and Grandma all pitched in and bought me an 8 gig adorable iPod. I was so happy about finding my old one and so you wouldn't think I would be THIS excited about the new one, but I am! Woo hoo. It's so pretty and shiny and small.... and it plays video. Plus the screen is a lot bigger than I thought it would be. It's much larger than the old Nano.

My Sister just had her shuffle stolen along with her jacket at work.. so I gave her my old (but still loved) Nano. Everyone was happy.

The end.

Just kidding! My Grandma took us all out to dinner and it was a lovely Birthday!~

A is taking me tonight to get new clothes and a new iPod case.

I felt loved and special. It was a good Birthday.

Christmas Pictures