Orchestra

Rehearsals started tonight with a guest conductor.  We were about a half hour late so I am sure he was impressed by that! 

I took Ara swimming at my Mom's house today and she had so much fun.  She reminds me of myself, I just love to be in the water.  Last summer I bought her a life vest to help her float but I always held her to keep her face out of the water.  Now she is so confident in the water she complains if I try to hang on to her.  She really understands how to move in the water to propel herself and to keep her face out of the water.  I keep thinking she will be a little fish by the end of the summer! 

This is going to be an exhausting 5 days with rehearsals and/or concerts every day.  It's hard on all of us.  We have to drive to my Dad's to drop Ara off, then back track 30 minutes to get to the rehearsal.  Immediately afterwards we zip back up to get her and by they time we can finally relax and get Ara in bed it is past 11pm.  Ara's regular bedtime is 7:30 pm.  Every concert cycle A and I wonder if it is worth it.  I hate having to impose on my family to baby sit 5 days in a row until 10:30 at night.  I hate keeping Ara awake that late and dealing with grumpy-girl all the next day.  On the other hand, I miss playing and this is my little sparkle of time to do something for myself.  As tiring as it is, it somehow feeds my soul and makes me feel important for something other than cleaning and driving and answering the constant "momma!" call of duty.  I need that for myself and so every time I ask "is this worth it?" the answer is the same.  That doesn't mean I won't complain though!  I just need a live in nanny. 

Seriously though whenever I day dream of what I would do if I were to win a lottery or casino jack pot I think I would like one of those adorable houses in the old neighborhoods.  With a charming courtyard and a shady spot to put a swing in a garden.  I don't think I would actually have a nanny because raising my daughter is my job!  I would however, like to have a maid, driver, and cook!  Can you imagine having all the time you usually devote to chores and grocery shopping and errands to do with as you please?  Ara and I could have a room devoted to painting and someone to clean up after we get a little wild.  And now I feel guilty!  The life we have now is a dream come true in itself so I will pull my head out of the clouds and look around and be thankful! 

I need to get to sleep, it's 2 am and the madness starts again in 6 hours.

Giant Update

I've been unable to post to my blog for so long I don't know where to begin. 

First off, we moved into the other side of the duplex we were living in.  It's so much nicer than our old place but there is still a little part of me that aches about leaving the house that was Ara's first home.  I finally have cupboards with doors and cooling/HEATING that comes through actual vents.  We have 2 bedrooms now and tile throughout.  I will post some pictures another day when I am not so tired.  I wasn't able to leave any sort of message about moving my blog on fluteloop.com so I doubt anyone will be reading this.  I imagine Ara reading this someday and I enjoy writing so I will continue. 

Ara has grown so much these past few months.  She can hold real conversations now and her curiosity knows no bounds.  She can spin like a real dancer and her new passion is My Little Pony. 

I went to California with Ara and my family at the beginning of May.   We drove and I tried to prepare myself for the most horrific road trip of my life and I was pleasantly surprised.  The kids were really good and they entertained each other.  I do really hate long car rides though and I hope to avoid them for a long time.  The visit was very nice.  We visited with my Dad's family and they all met Ara for the first time.  She declared that she did not like most of them.  I want to stop her from telling people that but at the same time I think she is entitled to her opinion.  I just encouraged her to say it in a nicer way! 

<unknown relative> ARA!  Aren't you a pretty girl!?

<Ara> I don't like you (furtive glance at mother) No thank you please!

That's how it went down the line of loud and adoring Filipino aunties until we went to visit my great grandmother (93 years old).  Ara's great great Grandmother looked into her stubborn little face and giggled!  Ara smiled and started to laugh.  It was a wonderful moment.  I took about 1000 pictures on my Sister's camera but I haven't brought them back to my computers yet.  We were able to spend a lot of time with my Grandmother Regina, and that made my heart ache a little.  I miss her so much and I wish that she could be a regular part of my Ara's life.  I wish that I could watch over her and make sure that she had eatable food and her house was in better repair.  I am glad that we went, I didn't really want to go but this was probably the last chance for Ara to meet her great great Grandma.

Well as far as big updates that is all I can think of for now, I have a lot of time to make up for!

Movable Words

I can't post to my fluteloop.com website because it seems my FTP information is wrong. So... I've decided to move my blog back over to Blogger's site until I can figure that situation out. I may just keep my blog here and use fluteloop.com for design and pictures. Anyway look here for more updates!

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This is a test... I can't seem to update via my Window's Live Writer.

My domain expired on the 10th of this month and I hadn't talked to Jaime about renewing it so I kept expecting it to be gone... but it's not! Thank you once again Jaime you always have my back!

S.T.R.E.S.S (help me!)

Moving is such a hassle!  Even when you are only moving next door to yourself.  Our deadline is this Saturday and it is sandwiched in between concerts and rehearsals and general life-ness.  I pulled something in my right elbow yesterday, I keep lifting things that are too heavy but if I don't this effort will never be finished.  We still have SOOOO much to do.  The biggest problem is that the new house has less places to stash things.  More bedrooms but less storage and wall space.  So we have the new house set up all pretty and non-cluttered and the old place is sitting there full of clutter.  We have purged a good amount but more will have to go. 

Today has been crazy.  I had a morning rehearsal at the Fox Theatre so my Mom helped me out by taking Ara to the Children's Museum so I could be at rehearsal for at least the Debussy and Tan Dun Pieces.  I left early, picked them up, did A's bank errand, picked up lunch, dropped off my Mom, and came home.  Ara was in need of a bath but I cannot get the pilot lit on our water heater.  I know nothing about water heaters and until today I have never even really looked at one.  Ours is in an outside shed that is full of spider webs and other scary things.  I read the instructions and turned the knob things and pushed the pilot lighter and sort of jabbed the lighter at the thing I thought looked like the ignition spot.  It's amazing that such expertise did not produce results right?  I WANT HOT WATER.  So I put Ara's little bathtub out on the porch and she went "swimming" in it.  Then I put her to bed and I was really looking forward to a little down time but it was not to be.  Ara filled her diaper with poop then got out of bed and took off her diaper.  After everything in her room had a nice coating of poop she called me in.  So I spent the last hour re-bathing her, hand washing all her bedding, and scrubbing her rug and tile floor.  I also got to call A's Mom to ask her if she would come to our house earlier.  He called me from work twice to tell me to call her, his excuse was that he didn't have time to call her.  So I got to be the bad guy and listen to her silence and sighs.  Yes, she was THAT dramatic.  You know I feel buried in life right now and I feel guilty that my brother, dad, and sister have taken the brunt of watching Ara until late 3 days this week.  I just don't know who else to ask for help.  But I DO need it.  I had a dream that I was in labor and I had forgotten the phone number of the birth center and A wouldn't help me.  He just sat at the computer.  Actually in the dream he was talking to some girl on the computer but he doesn't do that in real life so I don't know why I would dream that.   Anyway between moving and all the rehearsals I feel stressed and just in desperate need of someone to vent to and to lean on and to lift heavy things for me!  

Saturday is tomorrow and the impossible task is looming.

Ara Update

I haven't really posted about Ara's development lately so I thought I would just put up a list of sorts.

• She has been able to count to 1 1 in English and 10 in Spanish for a while now.
• She has mastered all the basic colors.
• When she draws she has amazing control.  She drew two small circles and told me they were glasses. 
• She can build impressive structures with legos and blocks.
• She is very communicative with her feelings.  When strangers talk to her she usually tells them that she is a little scared and that she is shy!
• She can tell you her name and age.
• She knows the words to several songs and sings constantly.

Today Ara said the most hilarious thing!  She said she had "diaper crash"!  We are working on potty training and she is wearing the pull up diapers.  The pull ups are significantly more expensive than the regular kind and Ara likes to take them off for no reason and throw them away.  Last week she took off her pants and diapers, put on her dress shoes and a santa hat and came walking into the living room as proud as she could be!

 

We are in the process of moving and Ara is very excited about her new room.  I just hope she will sleep in it!

Hot Water

  Ara and I had a play date today at a wonderful park.  We met my friend Renee and her daughter who just turned one.  Renee suggested the park and I had never been so when we got there I was in awe.  It was beautiful. 

"A unique 101-acre park with a perennial warm spring flowing into three large ponds, The water source has attracted a wide variety of waterfowl and other wildlife species. Human habitation has been found to date back about 5,500 years. The site makes for a perfect place for a picnic or day hike."

The water is as clear as glass and the fish are surprisingly colorful and exotic looking. 

Ara fed the ducks and the fish and was one happy little toddler. 

I enjoyed getting out to try something new, it was so much nicer to go to this nature preserve than to our main park with it's artificial blue water and creepy guys walking around.  It was also nice to have some adult conversation whenever Ara would let me!

Lights Out

Piccolo Concerto!~

It's OVER!  I feel such a sense of relief that the concerts are over. 

I had fun, I really did and it was a good experience.  I got to give the world premiere of a strange and wonderful piece.  I felt honored by my fellow orchestra members and that was amazing and surprising.  They were all very supportive and through it all I felt more like one of them then I ever have.  I met and worked with the composer who has led a fascinating life.  He was trying to talk A into playing his trumpet concerto next year!  Lol. 

The first performance was tense.  I was so nervous and the crowd was so full and CLOSE to me.  I don't like it when people are so close!  Megan, Pat, and my Dad all came to see me and it really meant so much to me that they were there.  Afterwards I was invited to a reception and so many people came up to me with smiling faces to say that they enjoyed the performance.  I admit I was really insecure about the audience liking it.  And me for that matter.  So unless they were lying (if they were thank goodness they are good liars) they didn't hate it. 

The second performance was last night in an adjacent town.  It was HOT the air was stuffy and I couldn't swallow my mouth was so dry.  Strangely, though I was so much more relaxed and I felt it was a good performance. 

On the way home I had several random Highway thoughts:

Driving one of those Semi(?) trucks seems like it could be kind of cool.  What a life, driving along all alone for days on end.  Every day would be a road trip day!

I wonder why Europe is always more environmentally conscious than we are?  I mean my city used to have a trolly that ran down town but other than that the public transport is a fleet of stinky polluting buses.  Why have we never considered electric buses? 

I have to drive down there again soon for a quintet performance, so I though here is an opportunity for me to car pool and start living more green.  Then I thought about how much I enjoy my alone time, which is almost exclusively in the car.  Or sometimes in the bathroom but that is no guarantee.

Then I thought about how my friend Brandon used to live near there and how he is gone now.  Then I thought about my old quintet and I missed late night goof ball rehearsals before competitions. 

There were a couple University people who played on this concert.  I exchanged numbers with the Flute player.  She was nice and she had a very pretty sound.  I think about her like she lives in another world.  A world I used to live in but now it seems so strange and far away.  I am a Mommy now and I can't relate to people who can devote 7 hours to playing flute anymore.  I felt a twinge of regret and longing when that thought hit me.  I wish that I could be the player that used to practice that much.  I felt so much more confident and brave back then.  That's not to say that my playing hasn't grown since I have been out of school.  I think my teaching has helped me to grow and develop in different ways.  But there is no substitute for regular practice.  Regrets, sure but really I would not change anything about my Mommy status.

 

Ara is a diarrhea factory since yesterday.  There is a Mommy perk you all could have gone without hearing about I bet!

Blog or Pensive?

I am sick.

This week has been stressful.

Renee lent me her piccolo, so I won't have to play on the rented student model I currently have.

Ara has been sick for going on 5 days now, she even threw up again on Tuesday at the park.

Joey had spring break this week so I watched him on Tue and Thurs.  He was really good but this week has just felt so crazy.

The crazy week isn't over until next Monday night.

I have completely fallen off the healthy eating wagon and it's no wonder I have no energy.

Rehearsal tomorrow (A's Mom is coming over to watch Ara)

Pic Lesson on Saturday.

Rehearsal on Saturday.

Performance on Saturday.

Easter.

Performance on Monday.

I need to remember to cancel my Saturday students ack, totally spaced that.  I think I might cancel my lesson too.  I really wanted to run that by Kashy but the rehearsal is later than I thought and it's all too much I think.  At this point it will either go well or it won't I think.  There isn't much point to cramming.  Except on the cadenza which I have been ignoring! 

 

I read this poll in my Parents Magazine asking if people thought it was ok to put videos of their children on You Tube.  67% (ish) said no and the quotes from parents were alarming.  They basically were saying that putting your child's images online was inviting weirdo's to target them.  My first reaction was fear, I immediately thought about taking down all personal information and images I have of Ara on my blog.  Then I started thinking, why is it that we fear the internet so much?  If Ara's picture came out in the Newspaper I think my Mother in Law would be thrilled and proud.  But the very idea that I would put her son or granddaughter's images on the internet terrifies her.  Is it because the internet is worldwide?  Is the fear based on sheer numbers of possible views?  If so why should that be something to fear?  I'm not even saying I don't feel the same on some level, because I really really do.  I am just trying to understand it.   Somehow, someone far away seems more menacing than a neighbor.  If I took Ara to a mall, hundreds of people could see her but that isn't scary is it?  If it was... I think I would be blogging about a different topic, right? lol.  The truth is, and when I say this I sound paranoid but the truth is that the people living close to us shouldn't be considered more or less of a threat than people we  can't see and don't know on the internet.  I like blogging because I can speak my mind and be personal but to the general reader I am basically anonymous.  I don't know, I certainly don't want Ara's beautiful pictures to fall into the hands of a freak but on the other hand I love that this is a place to express myself.  All of myself , including my love for my daughter. 

Transformer Phones!~

So I recently replaced my wireless phone and I chose a phone that has video and photo capabilities (and it plays Mp3's but whatever right?).  I am excited to have a phone that can take pictures but at the same time I keep thinking that we expect too much from our phones.  Why does everything have to be multipurpose?  I have an Mp3 player and a digital camera so I felt that having those functions on my phone were more of a novelty than anything else.  Especially since the phone is only the best at being a phone.  My iPod and camera put it to shame in the categories of photos and happy musical playlists.  Soon we will want our TV's to be refrigerators and wouldn't it be nice if my kitchen sink could cook dinner and wash the dishes!  Yeah!  Anyway, sarcasm aside I have really been seeing the convenience in the camera phone.  Being the geek mother that I am I usually do carry my camera but there have already been several times when something photo worthy was happening and the phone was much closer at hand than the camera.  So I am convinced.  All tiny electronic devices should have many purposes! 

 

P.S. If someone could tell me an easier way to get the pictures from the phone to my computer that would be great, thanks!

Fairy Princess

I put on my solo dress today and asked Ara if she thought I looked pretty. She nodded and said that I looked like a princess! My eyes welled up and I gave her sniffy kisses all over her face!

Then I performed my concerto for her.

Half way through the piece she yelled, "Momma stop playing picc-low NOW... pweeze".

Lol.

My new practice technique is to run out of the room playing whenever a high note passage is coming so that I only ruin my own hearing. I will be going to the UA to practice again tonight and I have earplugs this time so I feel sorry for all of the people who will be within earshot of me. I hope I find a practice room door open again!

My Stress-Out List

• Concerto!!!
• memorization
• accompaniment
• dress
• child care during the MANY rehearsals
• I need a place to practice where I can blast the high notes!
• Car registration (it is still smoking so I doubt it is going to pass)
• Car accident today
• Quintet rehearsal and music right smack in stress week
• Jury Duty

Solo

I had to make a list of all the things stressing me out right now because I feel like if I write them down maybe they will be easier to handle.  I used to carry around this stress about performances when I was in school, I thought I had outgrown it but here it is and here I am.  I think it is due in large part to the fact that this is a piccolo concerto and I have never soloed on pic, let alone on my sad little Artley that has been in need of repair for years.  I have found that I am very reluctant to have any of my instruments repaired.  I know that is strange, and don't tell my students because I regularly lecture them on this very subject.  I guess I am superstitious and/or lazy.  I don't want anyone messing up my instruments.  How is that possible since there is actually tape holding together my foot joint?  Don't look for logic here, there is none.  Now that I have typed that out I see how stupid I am being and I will make an attempt to track down someone who can do the work.  I already know I am going to be half hearted about it lol.  I am secretly hoping someone will save me and lend me their awesome piccolo for the performance and that I will magically be comfortable on it.  Let's leave that topic alone, I stress myself out!

 

I talked to my old professor today and he is going to see me in a week or so when he gets back into town.    I think having his blessing will help my confidence.  Although if he is horrified with my playing, that will not help lol!

I bought a dress last week at Ross!  I recently discovered I love that store lol.  So, I found this dress that I loved and it was $25 which is a fraction of the other dresses I have been looking at and I loved it for a week.  Now, I'm not sure.  I need to find some sort of little shawl thing to wear with it and that seems hard.  Also it isn't floor length it's mid calf which makes me feel less fancy than most of the soloist I can remember.  I don't know.  We will see how I feel next week.

 

Car Accident

Ara and I were rear ended today as we made our way home from a long list of errands.  We were approaching the railroad crossing when the lights suddenly started flashing.  The road approaches the crossing from under an highway overpass so I had no warning visually that a train was even coming.  I had to stop suddenly and BAM the car behind me slams into us and pushes the car ominously close to the tracks.  I try to reverse but I have no room and I am gesturing wildly to the car that hit us to back up as the mechanical arm slowly descends onto the roof of our car.  I don't even have to turn my head to know that  a train is racing towards us, the nose of the car is still too close to the tracks.  At this point I am in reverse and I am prepared to move the car behind me with force if she doesn't wise up!  She inches backwards and Ara and get to watch a train wizzing by close up.  The force of the wind rocks the car, the sound is deafening, I am shaking and asking Ara over and over if she is ok.  She on the other hand is thrilled to be so close to a train. 

I have always held people who get hit by trains in contept.  I would always say, "how can you NOT see a train is coming?"  Now I know and I am truly sorry. 

My back, neck, and abdomen hurt but Ara seems completely unaffected.  I am having trouble letting go of all the "what ifs" though and I am back to cringing every time I watch a car approach in the rear view mirror. 

 

Jury Duty

I can't believe they are sticking me with jury duty AGAIN!  I have never known someone who gets called as often as I do.  I think there is some lazy government clerk out there who keeps choosing me because my last name starts with an A!  He is too lazy to turn to the next page when he "randomly" picks people (notice in my scenario the incompetent is male).  I am going to actually try to get out of it this time, I never have in the past but I have Ara and I cannot be on some jury for a week.  Besides, I have small faith in our 'system' anyway.  Sorry punks that is how I roll.  I freely criticize and do nothing towards correcting.  Bite me.

 

I can't find a comfortable way to sit or lay, my back is crack-y.

Pictures with very few Words!

Ara and her reflection as she gazes at the lion enclosure at the zoo.


...

A day at the park! Ara has no fear and can go down even the tallest slides without any help!

Ara Mp3

purplecar.mp3

I have been recording Ara talking while she sits at the table doing art.

I left the door open because it was such a lovely evening and all three of us were in the kitchen. Ara looked out the door where she could see our car sitting there and she said, "the purple car is sad". I think maybe because the car was outside and we were all inside, either way I just thought it was adorable.

What mothers are really worth?

Every weekend A and I have the same problem, he feels like his days off should be more relaxing and I feel like I never get days off.  Yesterday we had a short argument.  I was mad because he is always conveniently missing when diapers need to be changed, nap time is approaching, meals need to be prepared, or Ara needs a bath.  In fact I would say he has given her a bath on his own probably twice in the past year.  That is not to say that he hasn't sometimes helped wash her hair or watched her while I ran to get something.  This is the norm though, I am in charge of all of Ara's basic needs all the time.  I basically run every single aspect of our lives.  I can't say I don't empathize with him when he has had a hard week, like he had last week and he wants some R&R time.  Of course I understand I want some down time too!  I have on several occasions noticed he looked tired and short tempered and offered to take Ara on outings to give him time to himself.  The weekend before last I took her to my Dad's while I taught and then spent the day there.  Alex had more than 8 hours of alone time.  I can't even explain what I would give to have eight whole hours to myself. 

I love that I am raising my daughter.  I love that Ara smiles when I say she is in Mommy school.  I know that everyday I spend with her I am making a difference. 

These are important things to know.  I have in the past struggled with our decision to keep her out of daycare.  I have struggled with my own feelings of self worth.  This is probably something that every person goes through.

Being a first time Mom I still feel like I am in the Novice levels and there are a lot of aspects of stay at home Mom-ing that surprise me.  Not the least of which is a significant number of people I interact with (including my Mother-in-law) give me the impression that they think I do nothing all day.  Perhaps raising children is a mystery to parents who have not done it 24/7.  How could the booming childcare industry get away with charging parents over $100 a day if this were an easy job?  That's right, $110 for 6-8 hours of childcare.  I am on call 24 hours a day.  I am only physically apart from Ara for 4 hours on Saturday while I work.  I don't get sick days, vacation days, or overtime pay.  

I don't mean to sound like this isn't my choice and that I don't feel lucky to have this opportunity.  I also don't care if those people give me condescending looks when they ask what I did all day.  What I want is some effort and appreciation on A's part for the role I play in our family.  During our argument yesterday day he pointed out that we ate dinner out a lot last week and that he felt that was giving me a break.  I pointed out that he left work at 5 pm and asked him when he felt my job ended?  It's nice to eat out and not have to worry about cooking and cleaning but why is that my sole responsibility?  Didn't I put in my 8 hours of work the same as him?  Didn't I already prepare and clean up after 2 meals during the day?  The world needs to get wise.  Mother's work damn hard and we are the toughest most passionate people around.  I should have the final say in all things including but not limited to physical pain (hello drug free birth), emotional pain, love, sleep derivation, frustration, and joy. 

I looked up Stay-at-Home parent on salary.com to see what my current market value is the following is a quote:

"Based on a 90-hour work week, Salary.com has estimated that a fair wage for the typical stay-at-home mom would be well over $90,000 for executing all of her daily tasks. Factor in overtime, and the appropriate salary takes a leap of around $25,000."

I have vented and I feel a bit better.  After our argument I felt frustrated and impotent.  I stay at home and in the eyes of society at large and A that is something small and insignificant.  But, in the eyes of my daughter that is everything.

A Sunday Afternoon~

Library

Story time:  Every Thursday Ara and I head to the library for Toddler Storytime.  The conference room is usually packed full with 2-3 year olds and their grown-ups.  The grown-ups are mostly Mom's but there is always a smattering of Dads and Grandparents.  We all sit on the floor and enjoy a half hour of singing, dancing, and yes even a few stories.  Ara still has a very hard time sitting still.  You can see she is bursting with excitement and anticipation of her favorite songs and sitting still is almost more than she can take.  As adorable as I think this is I worry that I am not teaching her how to behave in certain situations.  When I say that I feel like such a prude.  Why shouldn't a 2 year old be boisterous and bouncy when in a room of her tiny peers?  It seems natural.  I hate that I always have to be the advocate for conforming!  I am like the borg (nerdy trekie reference sorry).  I feel self conscious about it because I look around at a the majority of kids sitting on the grown-ups laps looking quite content.  What is expected of me?  Should I force Ara to sit with me while she squirms and screams?  Is the fact that she squirms and screams a sign that I have already failed to show her how to act?  One of the teachers at the parent class told me that I need to tell Ara that "we" sit still at storytime and if "we " can't then we should go.  I tried that, the problem is that she is half way across the room before I have finished the sentence.  So I tried prepping her ahead of time.  The day before, the morning of, in the car on the way.  It boils down to the one unavoidable truth: it's my fault!  For every undesirable behavior your little angel exhibits you share the blame.  What could I have done to prevent this?  What should I do in the future?  How can I help her to understand?  My problem is that I also struggle with the "why" I have to stop her from being her.  I love that she is creative, spontaneous, enthusiastic, and out going.  I don't want to take that out of her.  I also don't want her to miss out on an important lesson that would help her in the future.  Maybe I missed an important lesson when I was growing up.. I seem to lack the ability to make up my mind!  I want what is best for Ara and overall I feel good about taking her to these things and I feel good about the progress she is making.  She talks about her friends at the library with a huge smile and that makes me feel like a good mom!

Making-ed a snow man!

Ara has been on a mission to prove to us that our baby proofing efforts no long apply to her! 

In her room she has a dresser for her clothes and a second plastic dresser for pajamas and diaper changing supplies.  Last week I put her down for a nap and after about a half hour of silence I hear her adorable little voice singing songs.  She does that sometimes to fall back asleep so I wasn't concerned I let her sing thinking she would be a sleeping angel again in no time.  I was wrong so very wrong.  She did quiet down, but instead of sleeping like I assumed, she was exploring her room in the dark. 

She called out to me about an hour later and as I opened the door I was surprised to find her standing there.  I reached out to her before turning on the light and when I touched her hair I recoiled!  I flipped the light switch and saw a strange sight.  I said, "Ara, what is this all over you?".  Then I looked into the room... the first thing I noticed was the pile of cotton balls on her bed.  Then the pile of wipes next to her bed.  Then the diaper drawer standing open with a smattering of diapers around it.  Finally I noticed the diaper cream tube at the center of a very gooey white mess.  I looked back down at Ara and she smiled. 

She looked proudly at her work and told me, "Making-ed a snow man!". 

She was absolutely covered in diaper cream, her hair was stiff and sticking straight up, her arms were white, even the inside of her nostrils!  I guided her to the kitchen sink where I started to undress her, all the while trying (unsuccessfully) to not become covered in white myself.  When I pulled down her diaper I discovered that it was full of poop and that the containment barrier had broken!  So there I am, my shirt covered in diaper cream, my hands smeared with poop.  My daughter is in an even worse state and I just had to laugh a little.  What amazing havoc a small person can cause. 

I washed her hair 5 times, it still felt all stiff and weird and smelled very strange.  She complained loudly while I cleaned it out of her ears and nose.  The cream itself refuses to come out of her clothes and the smell is probably permanent in her bedroom carpet. 

My only regret is that I didn't take a picture.

And, yes we did remove all diaper related items from her room!

She also recently discovered that toy boxes can be emptied, turned over, and used as ladders to reach things up high. 

She can climb anything but she especially likes to climb all of the ladders (otherwise know as bookshelves) around the house.

She can open doors now.

She can reach all of the old places we use to put things she shouldn't have!  So now those things are so high even I can't reach them half the time!

The list goes on and on.  Sometimes I long for the pre-crawling days where she would stay right where you put her!  Mostly, though I am in awe at her development and although I try not to show it, I am amused by her catastrophes.

Don't Hate my French Fries!

Grocery List (boring huh?)

Dairy milk eggs x2 cheddar cheese (shredded) heavy cream swiss cheese cream cheese mozzarella	Deli lunch meat provolone ham	Bread croissant
Meat frozen chicken ground beef wafer thin beef steaks (philly gormet) breakfast sausage bacon	Drink/Snack sugar free jello salsa gatoraid	Sauce/Spice tartar sauce oldbay seasoning onion powder dry onions taco seasoning soup packet lowcarb italian dressing can green chillies
Vegetables onion mushrooms (sliced) baby spinach grape tomatoes avacado celery green onion red and green bell peppers roma tomatoes iceburg lettuce	Frozen chopped broccoli	Misc Chips for lunches

Bed Head

Ara's bed broke! The wooden part that holds the mattress cracked. So for the past two days we have been prowling websites looking at reviews, prices, and availability of toddler beds. We considered a twin bed but it's a big change and a big investment. The toddler bed makes sense because she can use it for a few years still and we can continue to use the mattress from her crib.

We ended up deciding on a bed available at Walmart.. so we went there tonight to find that our Walmart has only a fraction of the beds we saw online. We got one of two models they had in stock. Not our first choice but acceptable. Ara chose a new blanket and sheet set (Dora the Explorer) and she seems excited about the idea of a "big girl bed".

I just hope she sleeps in it!

(I think it's going to be soo cute)


On an unrelated note I think I'm dying.

I have been having massive headaches and the back of my head is actually sore to the touch. As if I hit it on something.. but I didn't! Also my left eyebrow has been twitching for probably 5 days and it is really starting to freak me out. What could that be?!

Funny

This and That

Ara has been into grouping things together. She lines up all her trains or animals in a neat little line with such concentration. She likes to talk about things that go together like; cars and trucks, Joejoe and Auntie Em, Hugs and kisses.

So the other day she is sitting with us and she says, "Momma and Daddy".

We exclaim happily at her observation.

The she says, "Like peepee and poopoo".

Nice comparison lol.

Love my Nano!

I am enjoying my new Nano so much! I have been mostly watching Digg nation podcasts but since my old one was missing for so long it's even great just to HAVE my music with me. A bought me one of those iPOD docks with speakers and it's so easy just to pop it in there. Music makes every task seem more fun and it just puts me in a good mood. Ara and I have enjoyed many crazy dance parties in the kitchen since the pod and the dock came to our house!

Cute Video Blog

I searched "harry potter" on You Tube and this video blog came up. I thought she was funny and cute so I spent part of the morning with the laptop on the counter playing her stuff while I cleaned up and made lunch. Her name is Natalie (I think) and she is from Australia :D I've always wanted to do something like that.. it looks like fun!

Return Karma

I have a new super cute blue/green Nano! My Dad, Brother, Sister, and Grandma all pitched in and bought me an 8 gig adorable iPod. I was so happy about finding my old one and so you wouldn't think I would be THIS excited about the new one, but I am! Woo hoo. It's so pretty and shiny and small.... and it plays video. Plus the screen is a lot bigger than I thought it would be. It's much larger than the old Nano.

My Sister just had her shuffle stolen along with her jacket at work.. so I gave her my old (but still loved) Nano. Everyone was happy.

The end.

Just kidding! My Grandma took us all out to dinner and it was a lovely Birthday!~

A is taking me tonight to get new clothes and a new iPod case.

I felt loved and special. It was a good Birthday.

Christmas Pictures

birthday eve

So today is the eve of my birthday and.. coincidentally the eve of a new calendar year. Double whammy for me with the whole starting over/resolution thing. I usually don't like making resolutions, because I hate to start a year with unrealistic expectations and then have the beginning marred with disappointment. Hi, I'm pessimistic and why is my glass always half empty? This year, however I feel resolution-ie! I've been compiling a pretty impressive list in my notebook. Really though how can a list of resolutions compete with the other list of... what I want for my birthday! Hehe.

Wish List:
I want world peace.
I want a new phase for Ara so we can stop with the "no-want-um" attitude!
I want the world to promise to be kind to my baby girl.
I want one of those pedometer watches that shows how fast and far you are going and how many calories you have burned!
I want carbs to be good for you.

Oh oh oh.. yesterday my good return karma kicked in. I had just started to accept that I really had lost my iPod forever since it had been gone since before Christmas. Then I was packing up my flute bag after practicing and I noticed there was something inside the zipper pocket. BAM it's my pretty pod! A looked a little disappointed when I came bouncing into the room with it, he says he had planned to buy me a new iPod for my birthday which is super sweet!

Through a Haze of Cold and Tiredness.

I'm starting to really freak out about how little I am practicing for my pic concerto. Freak out gogogo!

Ara and I were down in the dumps yesterday all sick and grumpy and tired and did I mention grumpy?

So yesterday morning, probably around 10 am I notice my phone is saying I have a voice mail. It's A's Brother in law saying that we are all having dinner tomorrow night at 5:30pm at blahblah restaurant. I knew the 27th was her birthday but I just assumed they picked Friday to do dinner. Wrong. 5:15pm rolls around and we are all in the car headed home and we get a call from A's Mom... who is at the restaurant. We have a fight because A is annoyed that I misunderstood the message and I am annoyed that he has the audacity to be annoyed with me for that (plus I'm sick and generally annoyed at anything in my path). I was dressed particularly bummy and my hair was a mess, and I was like... "no way am I going into a nice place looking like this!" The whole time this is happening Ara is like having a melt down fit in the back seat, which makes for a really nice calming ambiance lol. In my head I'm thinking about how A chose to go to his Mom's for Christmas instead of coming with Ara and me to my Dad's like we had planned (this was after his sister's morning thing with all of his family). I was pretty pissed about that and dropping him off at a restaurant with grumpy screaming Ara is feeling like a pretty good plan to me. As I watched him trying to clean her face with a wipey I started to melt a little. Sure, I felt like he bailed on Christmas but they might need me since baby girl was so cranky. Plus, his Mom would probably hold it against me for the rest of my life. So, I brushed my hair and threw on a headband put on my jacket and went inside. While we were sitting at the table I wished I could sink into the floor. I had visions of pulling my jacket over my head and slumping down in my chair. The restaurant was called Zona, and it reeked of something stinky and fishy. All the waitresses had their hair in the "don't I look cute with my super messy pony-tail" and kind of made me thing of like.. I don't know some sort of softball team or something. Ara was quiet and clingy and sweet. She didn't eat a thing. The food was good and brother-in-law's parents found a root in their salad so they got their meals for free. I'm really tired.. I planned on going to bed an hour ago and I've already forgotten where I was going with this story.

A Pile of Presents

Christmas was exhausting!

Ara got a bazillion presents including a new wardrobe and trains of every size.

We did our usual family musical chairs, it is so tiring having parents that are not together. I saw my Mom, we took showers at A's Mom's, then we saw A's dad at his sisters house.. then we hauled ass to my Dad's to cook dinner (since our water was still off, a whole separate issue) and this was just Christmas eve! Our water pipes have broken on the roof 3 times this week alone. We have gone a total of 6 days without water.. which is annoying to say the least. I don't pretend to know anything about pipes or plumbing.. but I think I know enough to say.. our land lord sucks. Well we have water now, and we are catching up on all the lost sleep!

The end.

A Fishy Night.

Update:
My Grandma is in town from California. This makes me happy.
Christmas shopping is done.
Tomorrow is clean/laundry for the holiday. This makes me tired.
I'm a sicky. Achy, low fever, grumpy, and tired.
I had dinner with Megan on Monday.
I've been watching the Christmas episodes of Friends from my DVD's.


Ara Update:
Ara jumped in her first jumping castle with the big kids!
She says it was a "little scary".
She might be getting sick too.


So last week we had Ara spend a night over at my Dad's so that A and I could have a night alone to relax before he went back to work. We had dinner at Chilli's and then watched the latest Borne movie with all our favorite movie time snacks. It was really nice but it felt like time flew by and before we knew it we were picking Ara up the next morning. She had caused some havoc and everyone looked exhausted. Apparently in the middle of the night she slipped out of bed and found the "Mommy backpack (or packpack as Ara calls it). She rummaged around until she found a packet of instant oatmeal I had packed for her breakfast. She then crawled into Papa's bed and covered him in oatmeal while he slept. He woke up feeling something wasn't right and then was surprised to find his face covered in dry oatmeal. He coaxed her back to bed and promptly fell asleep. Ara wasn't sleepy yet though.. and I'm guessing she felt that she needed some moisturizing because her next exploration trip took her to the bathroom, where you guessed it.. she found the scented lotion. Once again she climbed in bed with Papa where she coated herself in lotion. Her hair, face, pajamas, and of course her hands. My Dad awoke again and reach out in the darkness when he touched Ara he pulled his hand back. He says when he touched something cold and slimy he thought he had touched a fish or something. I chuckle a little about that lol. At least it was lotion she had in his bed and not a slimy fish from the refrigerator I guess. With a 2 year old it is always best to consider how much worse a situation could be and then try to be thankful instead of irritated!

Sweet.

A friend suggested these to me.. the first made me cry and the second made me smile.

Birdie can Fly

Ara's birdie helped her to fly to the top of a play place and he even helped her down the long tunnel slide. It was adorable and I felt so proud. She also saw some kids eating ice cream and she looked confused. She asked me, "yukky?" because we always try to look un-happy whenever she sees us eating it lol.

The next time we let her loose in a play place, she played the "I'm in here you can't get me" card. I gave her the 5 minute warning as usual, then went I asked her to come out she gave me a little grin and climbed higher. Oh the power struggle that in sued. I tried using "authoritative Mom voice" but she knew she had the upper hand. So.. I had to climb inside the plastic tunnels, all the while feeling so self conscience about the view of my butt I was giving the restaurant. I will think twice about the next time I let her loose in one of those!

Ara knows the entire first verse of Jingle Bells now and she sings it whenever we pass Christmas lights. She is so festive! We are going to get our tree tonight hopefully... it sucks that it has been raining the past few days. It's cold, wet, and muddy. I usually LOVE rain in the desert but after a few days without sunshine I start to jones for some sun.

A taught Ara about names and she says my name so cute.. I squeal every time she says it. I know this will probably back fire on me and she will stop calling me Momma lol.

I feel lazy today.. it's raining and the house is cold. I don't want to stay here and clean for my student. I want to go somewhere.. like a craft store and buy things.

Blue

I had a really hard day yesterday with Ara. She is really testing her limits, I feel like every time I turn around she is doing something she knows she shouldn't. The part that is really getting to me though is the hitting. We are kind of at our wits end with her hitting and kicking. Time out seems completely ineffective, she can escape from the play pin, putting her in a chair results in more hitting, and sending her to her room full of toys is well.. that's obvious. We talk about how in our family we use words to express ourselves not hitting. I ask her "Do we hit in our family?" and she says, "nooooo" but the words mean nothing to her. My best/only tactic at the moment is walking away and letting her flail alone (in a safe place obviously). You wouldn't think that a little 2 year old could even hurt me but she can! She kicks me in the boobs when I change her diaper, and 2 days ago she hit me in the jaw with her head so hard I tasted blood. So she hits.. and if she hurts me and gets a reaction she will laugh. I know.. that she is in a stage where distinguishing between people and inanimate objects is hard, but it is still disheartening. I don't understand.. we don't hit her, we don't spank, we don't even yell. She has no siblings or preschool kids to set a bad example so where did she learn the hitting? She acts on impulse which is completely age appropriate so the question is; how do we teach her consequences?

Today wasn't so bad, I took her to a play group at the library and she had a great time and has even made progress with participating in (frustrating) circle time. I feel tired though.. and a little bummed.

On a different note: A was telling me he wants to get new Christmas lights. I love any sentence with "new" and "Christmas" in it. He was reading that these new LCD lights are safer and more energy efficient. I think it is SOOOO cute that he is doing Christmas safety research. I also have to get a new fake tree because putting lights on an aluminum tree is dangerous. It makes perfect sense but it never occurred to me! Plus Ara destroyed the tree anyway. She likes cause and effect. "

What will happen if I knock over the tree.
Oh, it falls over.

What will happen if I turn over this bowl of cereal?
Oh, everything falls out and Momma looks exasperated. (cool)

What will happen if I fill my mouth with water and spit it?
It shoots everywhere! (awesome)

She is a little scientist.

Jingle Bells!

Yesterday I got out the box of awesomeness (Christmas decorations). It's my tradition to put up this little silver tree right after Thanksgiving since I was in school and couldn't afford a real one. We will get a real tree in December sometime but I just LOVE to put on music and dig through this box and this year I got to involve Ara in my happy time. She is a little Christmas fairy full of enthusiasm and joy! She mimics me and cheers for Christmas every time we see a display in the stores and after the little tree went up she stood there touching the decorations and calling it beautiful. The tree itself used to be my Grandmother's when she was a girl because she had allergies to real trees (so sad) and I guess this is what artificial trees looked like back in the stone ages. I love this tree though. It is supposed to be taller but it's missing most of the base, it just looks like a little firework explosion to me and I love it ( I mentioned that already didn't I?).

It's funny how being a parent makes you feel older and places a whole different set of worries and cares on your shoulders... but at the same time you feel more like a kid than you have since you were a kid. I spent the day chasing birds, playing in the sand, skipping in the grass, and for lunch I had half a Lunchable. Ara and I had a great day at this little secret park we found. Well.. by secret I mean it had no freaky lurkers and no unleashed dogs. It did have a BUNCH of moms' and kids' around Ara's age. I think it must be a play group, I get e-mails from this group sometimes but it costs $80 to join and I never stick to social things so I don't pay. The cool thing is that it doesn't cost a thing to show up at the park and have Ara play with their kids!

Scooter

Scooter and Fuzzy... adorable and sweet!

Blah blah

Doing laundry at my Dad's house today and when the load in the dryer is done we will head home to clean. The house is an utter disaster after having all of us home since Wednesday. Ara and I just came in from playing the backyard. I played fetch with the old old family dog; Scooter. He is completely deaf now but he still has it when it comes to playing fetch! He is a mix of cocker spaniel and poodle and he has always been such a good dog. I hope there will be another dog in the world as sweet as Scooter when we are ready to get Ara a dog. Ara had me pick 3 grapefruits and a lemon and she is happily playing with her Momma, Daddy, Papa, and baby fruits lol. So cute.


Hmmm I was going to post some pictures but my free Flickr account has run out of space until I pay them a yearly fee for more. So sad. I think I will pay, I mean I like the convenience of uploading for prints and it's so compatible with my blogger engine.

I need to get back on track with my diet and exercise. I have to play a solo with my orchestra in a few months and I don't want to feel self conscience about my weight when I'm up there. The Piccolo Concerto is scary enough considering piccolo is not my main instrument and my actual piccolo is past it's prime. It's funny I don't even want to practice.. the piece really utilizes the upper register and anyone who has ever been in the same room as a pic in the high register knows.. it's just wrong! I used to hand out ear plugs and apologies when I played pic in orchestra. There is nothing like working so hard.. and pouring your heart into playing something.. that makes people cringe.

...

Bug or Windshield... why not both?

*Warning: this blog started off as a light hearted entry about Christmas shopping and went down hill from there. Be warned that with each new paragraph I get more and more emo.*

My Christmas presents have come early this year and I have been spoiled! I inherited A's old monitor when he got a new one for Father's Day and I've been complaining ever since! I like to do graphics and the old monitor was very dim and had a little shake to it. So... for an early Christmas present I got to go to Comp USA and pick out my new and beautiful flat/wide screen Samsung (I don't know all the "terms" to describe it). It's very pretty! I also got a season of my secret-favorite-show-that-everyone-makes-fun-of-me for; Gilmore Girls (on sale at Target on black Friday for $14 originally $44). I got a Christmas movie, the Polar Express (I love Christmas movies!). Then last night I got the (newish) Tomb Raider game. I used to love Tomb Raider, although I could never play the scary levels alone because I would jump at every noise. The new game plus the new monitor made me very happy until I realized that the way the game views swing around was making me nauseous! I mean seriously like amagod I need a pregnancy test kind of nauseous. Have to say, relieved it was the game lol! The game is fun though, it's sort of a mystery, puzzle, shoot some stuff kind of game, a far cry from the online games we usually play. Ara will be making out like a little bandit this year too.. actually who am I kidding.. "this year" pshhh as if she won't have a whole new wardrobe and toy box filled by the end of the holiday! We got her an electronic keyboard last night and she loooooves it, she played with it in the cart and then after we got home. I am hoping once I wrap it she will suddenly forget that she has already seen it! We also got her favorite train in the special wooden model (James), and Thomas the Train bath toys that squirt (I will pay for this once I'm sure). While we were in the Walmart toy section discussing her "big present" she looked up at those giant battery cars that kids can drive in and squealed with delight. She may be small.. but she knows what is expensive and ridiculous! I'm sorry but I don't want her to be one of "those" kids with $300 toys sitting in he backyard forgotten and ill used. I simply must draw the line at $200, wait... that makes me better than the other parents right? No? Well just let me think so! Anyway... I was thinking of a basket ball hoop for the patio or maybe one of those play kitchens.. Yeah I just heard myself and I DO realize I am not better. She still isn't getting the car! I got presents for my brother and sister but I still have a lot of shopping to do, I meant to have everything ordered while the post-Thanksgiving sales were still happening.. but I had the "I wants" apparently. *hangs head in shame*. I am so excited it is Christmas time.. I have been feeling a little blue and the idea of lights and trees and presents makes me feel optimistic. A and I have been fighting a lot but I actually prefer that to the strained silence. He has been really trying to express what he is thinking and feeling which is a big help to me. I have been feeling like he expects me to read his mind and let's face it.. I am not the best at "noticing stuff"! I think we both feel like we have something worth working on and it's nice to know we are on the same page.

Today I am watching my nephew and that means I had to wake up at 6 am /whine. I meant to do laundry while I was here but I forgot to bring the clothes! I blame lack of sleep. In an hour I think I will go get the clothes and take them and my lucky nephew to the land of coin operated washing machines. I cannot wait to move into a place with laundry machines... and more space.. with a closet... and a yard... and NO MORE FREAKY NEIGHBORS.

Thanks

Thanksgiving this year was a special event because it was the first time we have ever had it at our house. We have so much family in town that usually holidays' are spent on the road to and from A's family and my family. So this year we decided to start our own traditions and that grand tradition was... ordering our dinner from the deli at our local grocery store! In my head I was picturing them handing me a steaming juicy turkey meal but when we went to pick it up today it was a cold turkey in a bag and a cold box filled with side dishes. I looked at the lady in surprise and asked if I had to like cook it, trying to keep the alarm in my voice at a minimum. Raw gross turkey.. not me! Well it was fully cooked but we had to dust off the old oven and re-heat it for 2 hours, along with the many side dishes. All in all it was about 2.5 hours of prep and the food was pretty good. The only weird part were the mashed potatoes which seem to have been made from rubber potatoes. We had a nice day, Ara had her first Thanksgiving at home and I am happy.

Dreams

I had a stress dream again last night and the night before. They are always the same theme, I am trying to get somewhere but I can't or I'm driving and the brakes don't work. Last night was that I had an unorganized list of students I needed to teach and I couldn't focus on it to figure out when I had to be where. In my dream the night before I was looking at this awesome house we were going to move into. I mean it was crazy, it had a ballroom and the master bedroom had a wall of glass that looked onto the dance floor. I always have awesome architecture in my dreams lol. Well for some reason they wanted me to leave Ara there while I went somewhere and I started to leave and then I realized that I didn't want to leave her there so I tried to go back. No matter how fast I tried to get back to her people kept delaying me and my brakes didn't work. I kept looking at the clock and thinking it was her dinner time. Anyway, I guess the moral of the story is that I am stressed.

Funny diet part of the dream though was when I spilled my candy and when I looked at the table I couldn't tell which was candy and which were cherry tomato's'!

We have a work dinner tonight and I don't have anything to wear. It doesn't matter though, because we are taking Ara and no one looks at the person holding the adorable girl just the cutey!

Toddler Rampage

So this week Ara has changed her nap time ritual from making a cute little blanket nest by the door and sleeping to completely ransacking her room and not sleeping at all. I think it was Wednesday when I heard a weird sound and opened her door. She was dancing on top of a dresser drawer with her curtain rod. Yes, she pulled out her drawers and pulled down the curtains. I realized she was climbing onto her little table to reach the curtains.. once she had light it was free play time. The room was amazing, I mean I have no idea how one little girl could destroy a room so quickly and quietly. She emptied a box of wipes, every dresser drawer and all the clothes inside, all of her toys were out of their boxes, the dirty clothes were everywhere. It looked like some sort of natural disaster. Being the noob Mom that I am this happened twice before I had to take drastic action. On Friday I put her down like usual. I read her two books, put her down, kissed her and said "goodnight sweetie". She looked angelic and sleepy. I closed the door but stayed in the room silent. She hopped up immediately to get out of bed and was so surprised to find me there. It was actually really cute the way she said, "Mama?" like she was happy to see me there for play time. I stood like a silent statue in her room for an hour and a half gently putting her back down every time she got up. She sang, cried, played pretend with her dolls (in the bed), cried some more, tried to get me to laugh.. Eventually though she tired of the game and started to drift off. I slipped out of the room and she was quiet for about 15 minutes and then I heard her again.. out of bed! I only had to go back in once though and she slept in her bed! I was so proud (and tired) of myself! The battle continues everyday but it is getting easier.

Catch-up

It's been a while since I updated...

How many blogs open with that sentence I wonder?

M&M Day has come and gone and I think it's catching on. By now when I say "M&M day" my students, family, and friends all know what I'm talking about. I'll go to explain and get interrupted with "oh yeah M&M day". Megan and I went to Sauce which was, as Ara would say "nummy" and yet another thing I can miss on my low carb lifestyle. Megan is the only person I still have in my life from high school career, both here and in California. Well, besides my cousin who I never see. We talked about relationships, family, jobs... pretty much everything. It was nice to sit outside at a restaurant and have adult conversation. Actually I don't care that it was adult as long as it was conversation!

I took Ara to a pumpkin patch where we actually rode a carriage pulled by horses into a field and picked our own misshapen pumpkins! We also did a corn field maze and ate cold hot dogs that cost too much. It was really nice and I hope to make it a tradition every October.

Halloween was last night and it was a wonderful night. I made Ara's costume (Minnie Mouse) by ironing on circles cut from a tee-shirt onto a little pink skirt. It was cute but she didn't look all that mousie lol. We stopped off at my Dad's to take pictures and then we went to a children's museum. I saw their event advertised as a non-scary Halloween event for preschoolers. Ara has been declaring a lot of things "scary" and I didn't want to take her to a place where there were crowds dressed in scary costumes. The museum was actually really fun. There was an interactive jungle room that had things to climb and build, a room for crafts (ara painted a pumpkin that was a challenge to carry the rest of the night), a plastic food grocery store, a train room (!), shadow room, music room, puppet room.... the list goes on and on. We had a lovely time and I felt so good about taking her there instead of trick or treating.

As as side note, I misspelled every single instance of pumpkin on this page (thank you spell check).

I want to get out my Christmas decorations today... I asked Ara and she seemed to imply that she was pro-anything that makes Mommy smile lol!

One last thing, I've been trying to remember to write this down because I thought it was so cute;

We went out to eat and Ara leaned back in her high chair as this girl was walking by and said, "Hi, sweetie!". I think she is under the impression that is what you say to girls since everyone says it to her!

Oh and every time A and I touch each other, like when I touch his hair in the car or we hug, Ara gets so mad. Yesterday she yelled, "no! bubies!" (which is what her daddy calls her). Is she afraid if we love each other that we don't love her or maybe just that we should be giving her our attention? Or maybe her Daddy is only allowed to love one girl? Not a serious issue, but perplexing all the same.

Bed, Optional

Ara discovered yesterday at nap time that she doesn't have to stay in bed once I put her down. The second I walk out of the room and close the door I can hear her get out of bed. Yesterday she was crying and I went in there a few times. It was more of a tired grumpy cry so I wasn't concerned she was hurt I just didn't think she would sleep if I didn't go back in and put her back in bed. She would look at me through sleepy puffy eyes and say, "no sleep". But then we would hug and I would put her back in bed, gently tuck her in, and walk out of the room hoping she wasn't going to spring right up. After the third of fourth round of this I began to rethink my strategy. Maybe I was giving her the impression that if she got out of bed she would be rewarded with attention and the postponing of the nap time! So I sat listening to her get out of bed and come to the door (which was closed). She complained and called for me. I stayed silent. Eventually I heard the unmistakable sounds of her laying down against the door. The silence after that told me that Ara had decided to take her nap on the floor in front of her door. Interesting. When she woke up I lightly tapped on the door and opened it a crack. She poked her hand through with one of her special blankets (there are 3 now). She proceeded to hand me the blankets, her birdy, and her blanky before she would come out.

Today when I put her down for nap time she got right out of bed again after I left. This time, though she didn't cry or call for me. Seconds later I heard her settling down for her nap on the floor by the door. I guess this is what we are doing now? Hmm. I consulted my books, nothing about your kid sleeping on the floor. For the time being I've decided I will accept the compromise. She isn't in danger of hurting herself and she is sleeping (although the naps are much shorter). My only concern is that it is hard to open the door if I needed to because of her blankets, stuffed animals, and well her. It's actually kind of adorable. She makes a little bed for herself and settles down. A thinks she wants to be able to hear me in case I do something fun while she is sleeping lol.

I've started doing a color, letter and shape of the week so we can focus on familiarity. She is counting up to 10 now, although she leaves out 5 a lot. She can name every animal at the zoo and associate a sound, well for the animals who make good sounds. What sound does a giraffe make anyway? She is adding so many words daily to her vocabulary it is astounding. Today she had gas which she thinks is hilarious so we worked on, "excuse me". "thooos me". We have been doing a lot of art with painting and markers. She is so cute she will ask me to watch her draw an "A" and then draw a perfect little circle. She feels a sense of pride in her art and is always excited to show her Daddy when he gets home from work. She points to it and says, "pretty". Markers suck though. Washable my ass. They wash right out of clothes but the marks on the skin look like serious injuries and stick around for a few baths. I actually banned markers for a long time because of this. I gave them another shot yesterday and I think they are banned again. Finger paint and water colors come out so they are my friends. Ok I'm tired and it's late. I shall stop writing now!

Mommy Chronicles

I went to a blog written by a mom we knew from our childbirth class. I read it from time to time and we tend to run into her and her son fairly often. Well... she is super Mom. I read her blog and I feel small. When it comes to Mom skills I try to keep up to date on my reading materials but really who are the "experts" to tell me how to raise my kid? I get a parent magazine, I download parenting podcasts, I read what to expect, fathering a toddler (it's a good book), and other assorted parenting books. My problem is that I never find the answers to the questions I have, the really stupid no-brainer questions that apparently only I wonder about. After reading the mommy blog I began to wonder if I should be taking to Ara to classes everyday. She takes her son to gymboree, art classes, story time, they walk, they jog, and they play with "friends". Ara and I are just a 2 person team. I am COMPLETELY shy around other mothers at parks, playgroups, and libraries. I don't know why exactly but I have it in my head that they are all more organized, experienced, and all around more "together" than me. An inferiority complex I guess. I brought up the subject of more play dates to A yesterday and he seemed to think that more "kid time" might be good for Ara. So next week I am going to make an effort to go to bed on time, make lunches the night before, and keep up on the laundry (yikes) so that I can take Ara to an activity everyday. At the very least a walk to our local park and hopefully a couple visits to play group, library, and maybe the zoo if we buy a pass.

I'm not sure this entry was entirely cohesive because I wrote it in bits while doing things in between.

~Cheers

Queen for a day!

Have you ever had one of those days where you feel like everything is going your way?

As Ara and I walked up to the booth to pay for our zoo tickets today the lady says, "we had a water pipe break so admission is free, you just can't use the water fountains or bathrooms". Ok, no problem we brought water and Ara has a diaper on!

The zoo was fun and the weather was really mild until we got to the back where the polar bears are, ironically I guess. Thats the point where you curve back around and head towards the entrance again. We were feeling hot, our water was almost gone. Then as we are passing the kid area again the water miraculously comes on! Water pipe is fixed! Ara got soaking wet and mostly watched the bigger kids play but she had a great time. When it was time I loaded her back into the stroller "her car" and striped her clothes and shoes off since they were dripping wet. I entered the gift shop with the idea of buying her a book of zoo memories that would also serve as a distraction for her doctor visit scheduled later that day. I spend $30 on a tiger toy, a zoo shirt (to cover Ara), and a cute book.

Later that day we arrive at the doctor office and the receptionist says that they called me way back in August to reschedule and that Ara can't see the doctor today. I am annoyed, I insist that I never received a call and that this appointment was important so if I had I most certainly would have rescheduled. The lady I'm talking to reminds me of a brick wall for all her compassion for my situation, but the lady that is next to her says she will go talk to someone. I wait, without holding much hope. A is annoyed because he got off work early to come to this appointment and we know it will be at least a month if we have to reschedule. I continue to stand in front of receptionist lady who continues to ignore my existence. Finally, other lady returns and she has good news! We can have a seat the doctor will see us! First time EVER that I have had one of these situations go my way with the medical profession!

The doctor we get is actually the one I have the most confidence in (this practice has several pediatricians). She confirms that Ara is healthy and wonderful and brilliant. She has the blood results and they are normal. She confirms what we have been suspecting that the hair loss looks like a behavior rather than a medical issue. She assures us that the referral for the dermatologist will become a reality in the near future. Then.... she suggests that cutting Ara's hair very short might stop her from pulling at night. I will have a hard time cutting her sweet little ringlets but hey, I will take this problem over a tumor any day.

So there it is.. this was like my day!

Frusterated

The wheels of the health industry turn so freaking SLOWLY! I called Ara's doctor's office this morning, a full week after her visit to find out why they haven't called to tell me the insurance had approved a specialist. They say they haven't heard from the insurance. How long does it take to call the insurance and get a yes or no? They also have no idea where the results from the blood work stands. It's only been a week, only 6 work days since we took her. Is it me or is this infuriating? I feel like there has got to be a faster way to get this done. In the mean time Ara is waking up everyday with more hair on her pajamas and I can't sleep at all. I'm going to call again in an hour. If being a nice Mommy doesn't get it done we will try annoying-calls-every-hour Mommy. Oh yes, I can be that lady. I think I will call the insurance directly as well and maybe I will find my own damn specialist and make her an appointment. My kid deserves better than this.

Edit: I posted this and then got back on the phone. I called the insurance directly and it turns out the specialist was approved on the 20th, 4 days ago? Punks.

"It's k"

We took Ara to the doctor today for her hair loss. I've been noticing hair in her crib and on her pajamas for a while now and it was sort of in my head that it might be too much hair. It wasn't until 3 days ago I noticed she has an almost bald spot on her head. It's not quite bald but the hair is much much thinner there and a it's a pretty big section, the doctor said about 3 inches. On a small head that seems like a lot. On some level I think I tried to ignore my instinct about the hair because I was afraid it might be something. If that is true, what kind of mother am I? We saw Dr. Dan, the doctor we usually see for well-baby visits and he said it could be such a variety of things that we needed to see a specialist. So after the insurance clears it, we will go see a dermatologist. We also have to go have her blood drawn to test for thyroid gland problems. He mentioned the thyroid problem specifically and said that sometimes a tumor on that gland can cause it to produce lower levels of the hormone. As he was examining Ara's head I was holding her to comfort her. Ara looked up into my face, stroked me softly and said, "it's k". Here I was trying to be strong and clear-headed, trying to stay focused and to ask the right questions and she sees right through me.

She sees that her Mommy is scared.

I didn't realize how scared until this moment. After all she has been through at the hands of doctors... it hasn't even been a year since we stopped battling the un-diagnosable, the biased-blind-arrogant-unstoppable...

I can't go on. I feel scared and helpless and I feel mad.


I want to make sure I talk about Ara's positive moments today. The topic I thought I was going to blog about. Ara is sleeping tonight in a big girl bed. We converted her crib at nap time but she only slept an hour and then I think she fell out (we have couch cushions all around her bed). The crib we bought was supposed to transform into a transition bed with safety rails to help her stay in. The rails looked great in the pictures but actually don't come more than a few inches above the mattress. Not exactly sufficient for our squirmy sleeper. We went to Baby's R Us after the doctor and got another bed rail. After A installed it I stood back and felt like all we did was make it a less safe crib instead of a bed with guide rails. Her feelings seemed mixed. She isn't sure she likes it but all day she couldn't stay away from it. We had to close the door to her room to stop her from jumping on her bed.

Anniversary

A and I have been together 12 years now. I remember the first time we talked; I sat down next to him and interrupted his reading. He looked intimidating to me because he wore glasses and had this "smart-guy" look to him. I only knew him as that really good trumpet player from my youth orchestra. He made me feel special. The way he looked at me when I talked. The details he remembered about me. My face used to hurt from smiling all the time. We spent our first year together spending every moment we could together. From morning to 11 pm at night (after rehearsal) and then we would go home and talk on the phone all night.

We celebrated on Sunday, my Sister watched Ara for the afternoon and we went to a restaurant and tried not to talk only about Ara! Then instead of seeing a movie liked we had planned we just went home. Finally non-Ara conversations flowed and we lay in each others arms talking, laughing, remembering, planning.

We squished them at the park!

Ara and I just got back from Triangle Park. The weather has cooled off a lot and it was overcast today. She has been grumpy in the mornings after we drop off A and I just can't seem to do anything right. She wants me to pay attention and to play but then she gets mad and throws a fit. She insists I wear her Nemo's Daddy Puppet on my hand no matter what I am doing. She even follows me into the bathroom with it (thanks Megan!) So my theory was that she needed to see some sunshine and get a little dirty. We tend to do "inside" activities when it is so hot outside but I think kids do need that outside time no matter how hot. The only problem is that I am a big baby when it comes to heat! She enjoyed the park but she had a few tiny tantrums there too. The first problem was 'English lady with the dogs she thinks don't need leashes'. If you get too near to this lady she will talk your ear off about her dogs. She has 2 of them; nice little friendly dog (Lucky) and mean 'ol scaredy-pants dog. Lucky was cute and friendly but of course Ara only wanted to pet the growling scared dog. People like this bug me. Put your dogs on leashes, especially if they cannot be trusted around children. A park is a place where parents should be able to bring their kids and relax. Instead I see the park as a series of danger obstacles. (As a side note this ladies dogs got into a fight with another man's dog who was on a leash) Well, anyway I had to constantly steer Ara away from the mean dog. I finally got her to go 'near' the playground when she spotted a bird across the street. So then I made her cry by telling her that she couldn't go into the street to chase birds. I finally got her to the playground where she discovered the joys of throwing sand. Once again.. mean old Mom had to say 'no'. I was getting a tiny but frustrated. I couldn't understand. Why can't she have fun like the other kids? Why does she always have to do the things I have to tell her she can't do? Then I thought, she is a toddler this is her job! This is a Mom test! I changed my attitude. I hitched a smile on my face and suggested we pretend we were trains and run to the other end of the park while making choo choo noises. It worked! We stopped at the swings where Ara 'flew' like a bird. Then we went over to a sandy area and she played there while I got to sit down and relax a little! Victory! I am full of WIN!

Ah the little successess of Motherhood that mean so much.

In honor of the occasion I made up a rap song that went:

We squished Ara's grumpies.
We squished them at the park!
The grumpies cannot get us..
they are squished at the park!

I think that's how it went anyway.

It's late and I'm telling random stories.

2 am and I'm still awake, but doing nothing. This reminds me of my old insomnia days, except now I have to be awake at 8 am (O.o). No sleeping in for me... oh how I miss the idea of sleeping in. Sleeping until you are done sleeping, what a fabulous concept. I might have to drink caffeine tomorrow so that Ara doesn't pwn me. Who am I kidding? She will pwn me no matter what I drink. A's Mom came over tonight and Ara showed her the new tap shoes. She did a fiery little routine on the tile by the front door while the three adults held their hands out in an effort to prevent any crashes. She enjoys spinning until walls bump into her. Reminds me so much of me! I also used to spend hours doing head stands in the hallway, I wonder if she will do that too. When my parents would make me mad I would turn away and stick my tongue out, imagining that it would bounce off the walls and somehow point at them.

I was thinking the other day about one of my old roomates, let's call her Kookoo. Kookoo and I shared a room in a 3 bedroom house. We usually had 5-6 girls living in the 3 bedroom house. I was in the habit of staying at A's house until very late and then tiptoeing into the house and into bed as quietly as I could so as not to wake Kookoo. On one such occasion I quietly closed the door and walked stealthily to my bed in the darkness. I reached out to pull my comforter down and realized someone had made my bed (lets face it I knew it wasn't me). Then I realized my comforter wouldn't come easily. It had been stitched to the sheets. Score one for Kookoo. I don't remember retaliating, Kookoo and I had a good laugh over the prank the next day. Then one night not long after I had come in late again and was preparing to brush my teeth. I squeezed my toothpaste and something black and squishy appeared. I squeezed it out and examined it in disgust. It was wrinkly and at first I thought it was a juicy dead bug marinated in toothpaste. Then, through years of prank training from my Mom I realized it was the classic raisin in the the tube gag. Immediately I began to form a plan. I had to prank back and it had to be good.

The next day I got home from school before Kookoo got off of work. I gathered my supplies, humming happily as I went into my room. I used sewing thread and scissors (borrowed from another house mate), thumb tacks, black construction paper, twist ties, paper clips, tape, and a black sharpie. I colored the twist ties black with the marker and then taped them to the black paper which I had crumpled into a ball, making a crude spider. Then I attached my spider to the thread. The thread I strung around the top of the room, running from just over Kookoo's bed to the door (thumb tacking the paper clips and running the string through the clips). I tied one end to the door knob, the other end had the spider. Kookoo came home and I was giddy with anticipation. She came into the room, grabbed something and left, all the while carrying on a conversation with one of our house mates in the kitchen. She hadn't even noticed. All was not lost though and I resorted to my sophisticated plan B. I called to her to come in the room! She swung the door open, the spider was pulled up the wall.. and she almost had a heart attack. We both struggled to breath. Her because she had been shocked and mortified. Me because I was so amused at my prank. She did eventually find it funny, but we called a truce on pranks after that.

Potty Time!

Ara sat on her potty today! She has had that potty chair for probably a year and up until now she mostly used it as toy storage. We had just come inside from doing yard work, well I was doing yard work she was jumping in puddles. She was wet so I stripped her down to her diaper and she turns to me.. points to her diaper and says, "off". I hesitated. Then I helped her take off her diaper. She held out her arm to take my hand and walked me to the potty! She sat her cute little butt right down on the potty chair, kinda sideways but ON THE POTTY!

This post brings me to this thought.

Someday Ara may read what I blogged about during her childhood.

She will read that I declared to the world that she sat naked on a toilet. Can you imagine reading YOUR Mother's blog, or diary, you know blog hard copy. I would be interested in something like that. To really know your parents when they were younger and to see how your accomplishments and milestones meant so much to them. I never really thought about how long my blog would live. I think I would feel sad if one day I didn't have the archives. I should print them and put them in Ara's memory box. I may not always be here and I would like to leave her a piece of me.

Super Serious Tortilla Association!

Tortilla Industry Association

Yup, there really is a tortilla industry association. Maybe that doesn't surprise you but it did me! I was googling tortilla recipes because I thought I might try to make some and I found it. It even has a missions statement!

To assist member
companies, and the industry as a whole, in efficient growth and
development, and
to promote the
consumption of
tortillas and related food products.

We need an association to encourage the consumption of tortillas?
What's next?
Where can i sign up for the association that promotes the consumption of Atomic Fireballs.. or ice cream!

Longest Day (before noon) Ever

So this morning we woke up late and my stomach was feeling queasy. We got A to work a half hour late and as he was getting out of the car I said, "I think the car needs gas, it's making that wierd grindy sound"...

You see we have an American made car (Dodge) and the electrical has been faulty ever since my Sister first owned it. Well now it's our car and sometimes the headlights and dashboard get temperamental and go out. You have to sort of jiggle and tap the switch to get them just right. The brakes squeek. A few weeks ago we had to get a new radiator. Every time you turn right there is a squeal sound. And it seems like it either drips or burns oil because we have to add a quart to it about twice a month. Oh and did I mention the speedometer, gas, and temperature meters usually don't work? That is the particular issue that caused my day to be so long ( I can never see how much gas there is).

...Just as we pulled out of A's work parking lot the car lost power. Why? Well "apparently" it needs gas to have power. I coasted through the intersection and barley made it into a bank parking lot. I parked all crooked because the steering wheel locked up when the car finally died for good. I called my aunt who lives about 15 minutes away. She came but had no gas can so she called my Sister. Until the calvary arrived Ara and I walked around. The part of town we were in is to swanky to be any fun. The closest shops were Pottery Barn, Giorgio Armani, the Apple Store, Starbucks, and a CVC pharmacy. All great to take a hungry toddler to at 9:30 am (insert sarcasm). We explored the exciting world of desert foliage growing on the side of the road until I started to freak out that there might be snakes. Then we just walked up and down the road, I didn't want to leave the car too far behind for when my Aunt got there. After she arrived we terrorized CVC pharmacy for another 30 minutes until my Sister got there. Emily came with gas and a smile that really helped cheer up my grumpy impatient Araness. Makes me feel bad for all those times I dressed Emily up like a doll and made her sit still. Or the time I thought it would be fun if I wrapped her up in a sheet and dragged her around the house. Or the "I'm going to tie you up to see if you can escape" game I made up. Well you get the picture. Anyway about an hour and a half later we were out of the 95 degree heat but starving and sweaty. We went straight to a gas station and filled up and then Ara got a Happy Meal with juice and fries! I always get her apples and milk so she was content with her bribe/reward. Then we finally were able to run all the boring errands I had planned; bank, grocery store, pay bills. I skipped the music store, I need to buy a bunch of books for my students but a store full of "no" didn't seem like a good idea. At the grocery store I entertained Ara with some plastic $1 cups that she could stack. She liked to stack them, count them, arrange them by color, and pretend there was something in there that she could feed to me. When we got to the register I bought them even though we don't need cups. The sight of home was a wonderful thing. I want one of those hybrid cars.. or even better a car that can run on hot air... or dirt... or dead grass.