@church notice they hide all the toys!

She looks so grown up

Joy?

I couldn't sleep last night, stressed about church.

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25 Random Things About Me

Once you've been tagged, you are supposed to write a note with 25 random things, facts, habits, or goals about you. At the end, choose 25 people to be tagged. You have to tag the person who tagged you. If I tagged you, it's because I want to know more about you.

(To do this, go to "notes" under tabs on your profile page, paste these instructions in the body of the note, type your 25 random things, tag 25 people (in the right hand corner of the app) then click publish.)

1.  I refuse to watch scary movies, movies about animals, sad movies, or movies set in Scotland or Ireland.  When I was pregnant I had to stop watching shows like CSI and even the news.  They effect me too much and make me have bad dreams.  I do know I’m a wimp.

2.  I think of playing flute as an emotional faucet.  All of the emotions, frustrations, passions, and even forgotten things come bubbling up to the surface when I play.  Sometimes I have to keep a list near me to write down all the things I realize I’ve forgotten.

3.  From 7th grade up I have always been in a relationship except for a small window in my Senior year in high school when I moved to Arizona.  All of my relationships ended amicable.

4.  I learned that I loved to read books in 3rd grade.  I would put books on my lap under the desk in school to read through the day.  Charlotte's Web was my first love.

5.  My first flute teacher didn’t play flute but she would spend hours a day playing piano for me.  Her passion, love, and devotion have been a guiding light to me throughout my life. 

6.  My dreams influence me and sometimes teach me about myself.  They are also crazy and highly entertaining.

7.  I envy people who say they are bored.  Who has time to be bored?

8.  Since I realized I was pregnant I have been a different person.  It may be cliché but in a very real and profound way I am changed.  I love Ara with a love so fierce it can still shock me. 

9.  I have always been in awe of Alex’s musical talent. 

10.  The greatest musical moment in my life was in Lucerne Switzerland playing Maslanka’s Sax Concert.  My tears flowed through the entire last movement and it seemed so natural.

11.  I am extremely proud that Ara had a drug free birth with midwives in a birth center.  I felt empowered and in control.  Hospitals are for sick people.  I had Ara in a place that celebrates life.

12.  When I decided to go sky diving my Dad objected saying, “no daughter of an airplane mechanic jumps out of a perfectly good airplane”.  When I left the house to do the jump I backed over the garbage cans. 

13.  I am terrible with money and if not for online bill pay and emailed reminders I would never pay anything on time.  In fact I still really don’t.

14.  I am afraid Ara will be like me with money. 

15.  I have been blogging since 2003.  Before I knew it was called blogging. 

16.  fluteloop.com has been paid for all these years by someone I met online who called herself DragonGirl.  I haven’t updated it in over a year because I lost the password.

17.  I hardly ever drink. 

18.  I like to quote Seinfeld but when I do my students look at me blankly.

19.  I miss teaching and playing and at the same time I wish that I could keep Ara home with me forever.

20.  I don’t keep in touch with anyone.  I wish that I wasn’t like that I miss friends who have moved away.

21.  Touring Europe was a dream come true for me.  I hope I can go back with Ara someday.

22.  I want to go back to school.

23.  In college I shared a 3 bedroom house with 4-5 girls.  They were all Mormon and for the most part I loved living with them.  It reminded me of Anne of Green Gables.  I didn’t keep in touch with any of them.

24.  I am uncomfortable with the subject or religion but I am trying to reconcile myself to it so that I can be some sort of guidance for Ara.  I think I’m agnostic.

25.  I would like to be a writer someday.

Found This Saved as a Draft from a While Ago

Once upon a time there was a scientist who was also a princess and her name was Ara. Ara was a very curious girl and she was determined to find out everything about everything. If she saw an animal she didn't know, she would remember everything about it from it's name, to where it lived in the world, and even what sound it made.

One day Ara's Mother gave her a bag full of cereal to snack on. Ara looked closely at the little balls and thought that she should do some experiments. She threw them in the air, and noticed that they always fell to the floor. When she walked on them, they made a crunchy sound. She noticed her share bear nearby and threw the bear into the air over the balls. It fell onto them and made another crunchy sound. She rolled her keyboard over them and it spread the crumbs out. Ara noticed that the cereal balls didn't bounce like her other balls. She tasted one and found that they were more delicious than her other balls as well. She tasted some crumbs from the floor and thought that the cereal was just as good on the floor and crushed. It was harder to pick up though, so she got down on her tummy and tried licking them up. This worked but when her Mom saw her doing this, she seemed upset. Ara's Mom also seemed upset about the cereal all over the floor. What an interesting experiment.

Penguin Dream

I had the most amazing dream this morning!
I was at some sort of camp or retreat, it reminded me a little of church camp from my youth except that it was right on the vast, dark, turbulent ocean. It was also snowing but being a dream I wasn't feeling the cold I just knew that it was cold. It was a stormy night with snow so I decided I would like to take a swim in the ocean (of course right?). I know it sounds kind of nightmare-ish but my ocean dreams are like flying dreams for other people. When I am swimming in an ocean with no boundaries I feel utterly alone and free and somehow brave. So, I am back stroking through the strong waves really enjoying myself when I realize I am close to a sheer black rock cliff. I try to steer away from it but I keep coming back to it. Then suddenly some animal attaches itself to my neck and I feel it's face on my cheek. Again, it sounds like a nightmare and even in my dream I thought, "I should be afraid, but I'm not". I knew that it was a baby penguin somehow and I let it continue to cling to me. I started to dive repeatedly, thinking that it would want to let go and that I could shake it loose. It clung tight so I continued to swim until I was back at the camp. I took the penguin with me to a mess hall where I saw some of the ladies that have been making me feel so unwelcome at church.

These ladies are bothering me more than I would like to admit. They aren't bad people but the looks on their faces (and their words) tell me that I am not one of them. I am not accepted and that hurts me. I'm ashamed to admit it but I start to imagine what they must see when they look at me and my self esteem takes a hit.

Anyway, in the dream these ladies see me with my fuzzy little penguin friend and they start to whisper and hiss to each other. I overhear that my penguin is an endangered species and it's illegal to remove one from the wild.

This is a little nod to the Desert Tortoise adoption program I want to be a part of. And that someone just a few weeks ago offered me a baby (bred in captivity) and I turned it down because I want to go through the correct avenues.

So I decide to take my illegal penguin to my room and then the dream gets a little hazy. There is some confusion with which room is mine and I can't seem to find keys or something or my Mom has them... I briefly see my brother which has no bearing on the plot of the dream just that it is pretty random. I guess I found my room and went to sleep because the dream continues the next day. It's still dark though, like the sun never shines. It's still snowing but there is no snow on the ground. I walk with my penguin to a dark water avenue that winds through narrow channels in the cliffs and camp (anyone read The Host?). So.. now apparently I am in a Venice camp or underground cave system? As I am rowing I see my Dad and his fiancé, Ann and they get into the boat. I am feeling anxious about my penguin, I don't want them to squish him. For some reason, I feel like they can't see him. Suddenly the passage opens on one side and I see a glacier lake and 3 adult penguins. Feelings of relief and sadness roll over me as I decide to take my little penguin to them.

And then I woke up.

Daddy day

Small A

Ara wants to take ballet lessons!

I told her that all the kids in ballet class use the toilet that flushes so now she is determined to make it happen.

We've been working with Ara on her letters and numbers.
She is like a learning sponge..
an enthusiastic absorbent learning sponge..
an adorable enthusiastic adorable absorbent learning sponge that I love!

The only small issue has been convincing her that small "a" looks so different from a big "A". I know it was my mistake calling it small and big instead of upper and lower case.

My camera is still broken. I feel so crippled without it!

Bird house attempt

It's a work in progress! I thought this would be a fun project for Ara and I and then we could paint it and attatch it to a fense post. The problem is that it isn't as easy as it looks! We are waiting for the glue to dry to attempt a roof and some front door. I doubt any bird will decide this house looks structually sound enough to live in though. It's probably for the best because my cat might eat the birds when their house collapsed and that would be sad. Ara added the sample paint color on the side tonight. She was painting pictures next to me while I puzzled over the third wall. I left the room once and she called out to me "mama I spilled but I'm cleaning it". I cringed.. the image of Ara smearing paint all over something with her hand came to me as I hurried into the kitchen. I was wrong though. I found Ara, paper towel in hand expertly wiping the paint off the floor. She did indeed "clean it". I tried to kiss her for being so mature and thoughtful, she complained and went back to her painting! Darn grown up kids who don't want mama kisses!

Coloring in the kitchen during church

I'm sorry mama.. Sorry you yelled at me.

Short

I have been passively avoiding organized religion for most of my adult life. A few months ago I started taking Ara to the church I grew up in. I left today in tears. Isn't it ironic how the "holiest" of the older church ladies can wear such an expression of disapproval and make you feel so unwelcome in their sad childless little sanctuary. I plan to write more later but right now I need to get out some power tools and fix the gate (aka vent some anger).

Also Alex left this morning on a work trip and irrational as it is I feel so alone!

Under a Mountain of Toys

For my birthday I got a lovely bouquet of flowers that I promptly stuck in a coffee cup with water (I don't even own a vase!) and expected to watch them die. I put a packet of that flower food that came with the flowers and it was amazing! My flowers lasted 20 days and I got used to having this pretty bright spot in the kitchen. So I have added a resolution for 2009! I need flowers every week! I told Alex, he was less enthusiastic about it, don't ask me why. This week Ara and I picked out a bunch of white mums and my Mom gave me a pretty vase. I can't explain it but I look at them and I see happy :D Maybe it's just because it's winter, who knows? Yay flowers!

Today is raining so I have pulled all of Ara's toys out into the living room to begin a mass organization project. This has been on my "to-do" list forever and it's quite the undertaking! Why does my 3 year old have so many books and toys? Well I can guarantee that the donation and trash bags will be full today.

I am also trying to think of projects and games we can play next week. I want to keep busy and on schedule so that Ara won't have as much time to act up about Alex being out of town. I am also trying to comfort myself, he has a business trip next week and I am nervous about things here. I'm sure everything will be fine but I'll miss him!

Megan took me out to lunch and ice cream for my birthday. It was so nice to eat Chinese food and laugh and worry only about my own table manners!

I have been missing the YMCA a lot lately. We stopped going when the purple car died but I think it's time to go back! Y-M-C-A ( I was singing that).

That's it for my small update. I will write more often next week so Alex can read all about it! I'm off to organize!

Lunch after spending christmas money!

Child Flute Player and You Tube Auditions

Amazing 8 year old flute player! She apparently started lessons at the age of 3, which makes me think... Ara is 3... but unless I can find a "My Little Pony" flute I doubt she would interested lol.



This is an interesting concept. Auditions for an orchestra via You Tube. Check out the LSO master classes linked from this video!

My Lola

I'm sick today so I'm doing a lot of laying around trying to think of things to occupy Ara with. My Dad is in California today for my lola's (Filipino Great Grandmother) funeral. I want to post some pictures of her from our visit last May but I can't remember where I put the little key drive thing. My brain is useless today! My great uncle emailed the obituary that he wrote for her and I want to share it here because her life story is so amazing.

Felisa was the third of four children from her mother’s second marriage; she had two half-sisters, and three half-brothers and sisters. As a child, she loved reading but had to leave school in the third grade to help an older sister take care of her children. Despite leaving school so early, she was an able writer in three languages, Kapangpangan, Tagalog, and English. She loved sports, playing softball in her youth, often at first base because she could leap high for balls thrown wide and wild. In 1935, at age 19, she married Aniceto, a young soldier in the Philippine Scouts.

Evident early on in her life, her strength and resourcefulness often kept her family from harm. On December 7, 1941, the Japanese armed forces attacked and eventually occupied the Phillippines. With her husband away defending the Philippines, and pregnant with her fourth child, alone she protected her three young children, evacuating them from her home at Ft. McKinley to a village about 30 miles north of Masantol. This village was not immune from the Japanese planes, which dropped bombs which she described as larger than her forearm. To safeguard her children from bombardment, she dug foxholes, where she lived with the children until the bombings ceased. To keep them fed, she bartered and bargained on the black market for any food she could find. Along with other woman, she slaughtered chickens and pigs. Assisted by midwives, she had her fourth child in July 1942. During the Japanese occupation, she rarely saw her husband. He, along with thousands of Philippines and US soldiers, was captured, and forced on the infamous Bataan Death March. After arriving in the prison camps, he attempted to escape but only to be shot and returned to a Japanese prison camp. He made good on a second attempt to escape, and surprised Felisa, making an unannounced visit to her door in July 1943.

In 1950, with the outbreak of the Korean War, Felisa and her children, now numbering six, saw her solider husband off to another war. Her husband, now a member of the United States Army, saw close combat for which he received the Silver Star for his heroism. Felisa wrote to Aniceto’s commanding general, eloquently describing the hardship of raising six children on her own if he was killed in combat, and requested that he be sent home to his family. Disappointed, Aniceto was home within the month.

In 1955, Felisa packed her family and left her homeland to join her husband now stationed in Japan. After two years, the family moved to Ft. Lewis, Washington. In 1959, her husband retired from the military, and all eight piled into one 1957 Buick to make the 18-hour drive to Sacramento, where they put down roots. Here in Sacramento, Felisa had her last two children.

As her children grew up and had their own, Felisa became “Lola” to her growing grandchildren, followed by great grandchildren. For almost fifty years, she often had at least one grandchild in her care. Her last grandchild, Emilio, spent much of his first year in his Lola’s arms and care. Besides the special foods she would cook for the grandchildren, she was fond of making up unique and playful nicknames for them.

Her final days and months of life were spent in the generous and loving care of her fourth daughter, Dellie and her husband, Dr. Achelle Punla. This Christmas was spent with her children, grand children and great grand children. Her family has lost a very strong, but loving mother and grandmother, aunt and friend. She held the loving respect and admiration of all who knew her. Though she was our family’s heart and soul, we each will carry her love forward.

I don't want to sound insensitive but I was surprised how sad I felt when I learned of her passing. As she grew older she spoke English less and less. My memories of my lola are mostly of her in the kitchen cooking for our family gatherings. I remember the smells of fried rice and lumpia. She always had a smile for me. She would place her soft worn hands on my face and smile and speak in tagalog to me (which I didn't understand). My childhood is filled with memories of my great grandparents wonderful house in Sacramento. I only realize now how much I miss those gatherings. How much I wish that Ara could have those same memories. But now she is gone, and it will never be the same. That makes me sad. Ara did get to meet her last May and the image I have of them locked in each others eyes smiling is a very comforting one. Great great grandmother! Today I am sad that I am not in Sacramento playing Ave Maria for her. She wanted me to do that and I am not there. I feel guilt and sadness. I remember nodding every time she would tell me that this was her wish and thinking that I would be too sad to play. My thoughts are with my family there. They have had a rough couple of years, seeing my lola through her failing health. I wish I could be there, I can imagine there are tears but also laughter and food.. lots of food. That is the Filipino way! I keep getting the crazy urge to call my Grandma in California to beg her to move here. I want so badly for Ara to know and love her like I do. Visits don't feel like enough. Since Ara was born I have noticed how very few Filipino customs I have kept. Ara is only 1/4 Filipino (1/4 white (sorry if that was not pc) and 1/2 Hispanic) she has so many pieces of herself, so many places to belong. I want her to love and embrace that about herself. Suddenly I feel out of energy to write and to feel this way so I am going to stop.

A quick list of things I want to blog about:

• Pictures from Christmas
• CA pictures
• The Yard
• Current Books
• Ara's chores and cooking
  

Giant flute

Contra Flute @ TFC rehearsal

In my head though, it is called paper clip flute!

I have a ton of things I want to write about but I don't have time at this moment. I want to write all about Ara's Christmas, my birthday, New Years, the exciting new play yard for Ara... the list goes on and on. I did go to the library last night before rehearsal and I checked out far too many books and audiobooks.

• Joy of Cooking
• How to Practice The Way to a Meaningful Life
• Practical Wisdom for Parents
  
• Confetti Cakes
• Eclipe (audio)
• New Moon (audio)
• Letter to my Daughter (audio)
• Harry, A History
• Fantastic Beasts and Where to Find Them
• Eragon

(there are a few more but I will stop there, I realize I left out author's names but I'm pretty sure a google search would reveal all!)

I actually haven't even finished the Host yet so I am behind in my reading! I feel so rich in life when I have so many books waiting for me!

Quick Ara update:

She loves her new bed.

Lately, she greets other children so enthusiastically she is actually frightening some of them. I've told her she should at least ask before hugging and kissing them. She calls every kid she sees "friend".

We have been having her help with cooking and baking and I even let her help me rinse the dishes. She glows when we include her in such grown up activities.

Today we are painiting her fence and I am late already!

New Years Resolutions

This list is a work in progress. The New Year/My Birthday is looming and there is so much I want to improve about myself.

• Diet and Exercise for optimum health
• Be more consistent with Ara's education
• See the world through Ara's eyes
• Patience
  
• Get more sleep
• Make more time to laugh and cuddle with Alex
• Take a writing class
• Practice
  
• Give a recital
  

Happy Slip

This music is old, neat.